Fraternal Schwinns
Aired February 25th, 2003 · Written by Sam Johnson · Directed by Sheldon Epps
Frasier
Gosh, it's been such fun talking about psycho-pharmacological solutions to maladaptive personality traits that I can't believe the three hours is almost gone. Up next is the news followed by...0:08
Frasier
Oh, but Roz is reminding me that next Saturday is the first annual KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon. It's bound to be an afternoon of family, fun, and lots of surprises, so dust off your velocipedes and I'll see you there.0:21
Kenny
Great pitch, Doc. So, uh, what are the surprises?0:40
Frasier
Well, first and foremost: I am not going.0:43
Roz
But you just told them you'd see them there.0:46
Frasier
Yes, Roz, I'm merely getting the rubes into the tent. I will gladly give my money, but spending the afternoon riding bicycles with a bunch of hooligans is not my idea of fun.0:48
Kenny
It's just kids and families.0:56
Frasier
Yes, well so was the KACL family picnic at the zoo, until those urchins jostled me into the orangutan grove. Let me tell you: orangutans are not the playful gentlemen of the trees the nature shows claim.0:56
Julia
Hello.1:13
Kenny
Hey, Julia.1:15
Frasier
Julia.1:15
Kenny
You're goin' to the Bike-A-Thon, right?1:16
Roz
Oh, don't embarrass her, Kenny. I mean, it's gotta be tough, finding a comfortable bike seat when you're such a tight-ass.1:18
Julia
This from a woman who "peddles" her ass all over town.1:25
Roz
Okay, lady...1:29
Frasier
All right, stalemate. Well done, well done. Keep moving, come on.1:29
Kenny
So, Bike-A-Thon, you're in, right?1:34
Julia
Nah, I can't be bothered, I'll just send a check.1:36
Kenny
Oh, cheese and rice, what's wrong with you people?1:39
Julia
Relax, Kenny, I'm just pulling your leg. How can I not go? This is funding AIDS research, for God's sake. I know you think I'm heartless and self centered, but at least give me credit for being human.1:42
Kenny
Well, Frasier's not goin'.1:53
Frasier
What? Kenny, come on! I was pulling your leg too! I tell you what, we should have a fund raiser for your sense of humor. All right, I'll see you there.1:56
Roz
You're pathetic.2:13
Frasier
I know.2:13
Martin
Hold it!2:20
Martin
Cora. Hi.2:27
Cora
Marty.2:27
Martin
Visiting your son?2:36
Cora
Yes.2:37
Martin
Cora, I'm sorry, but I gotta ask you. What happened? I thought we had a pretty nice thing, but then you stopped returning my calls.2:42
Cora
Why don't you ask your other girlfriend?2:50
Martin
What other girlfriend?2:53
Cora
That bizarre English lady who told me to leave you alone. Because she was in the British Secret Service and had a license to kill.2:55
Cora
Here's your stop.3:06
Martin
Oh, geez, that was Daphne's mother. She had a thing for me, but it was never mutual.3:08
Martin
Did she show you a badge? Always ask to see a badge.3:14
Cora
I knew she wasn't a secret agent. But she was pretty convincing about the two of you.3:18
Martin
Oh, Cora, I'm so sorry. It's not true.3:23
Cora
I'm sorry too. I should have asked about her.3:31
Martin
Well, hey, it's cleared up now. Maybe we could pick up where we left off. Or skip ahead, your choice.3:35
Cora
That would've been nice, but I've been seeing someone lately.3:45
Martin
Oh, sure, of course you have. Stupid of me.3:48
Cora
But I'm very glad to see you again. Please give Eddie my love.3:51
Martin
Oh, yeah. He'll be sorry he missed you. He liked your ankles.3:54
Frasier
Oh, sorry for the hold up, guys. Ah, listen, I think it's best if we take separate cars to the flower show. See, later I have to go buy a bicycle.4:14
Niles
For whom?4:22
Frasier
Well, for me. I've been dragooned into riding for the KACL AIDS Bike-A-Thon.4:22
Niles
Poor devil, spending the day on a bike. I don't envy you.4:29
Daphne
Niles, why don't we enter the Bike-A-Thon?4:35
Frasier
You had to see that coming.4:41
Daphne
We can all go to the shop together, after the flower show.4:44
Niles
Sure, why not.4:47
Gertrude
Oh, you two would look so cute on matching bicycles.4:48
Niles
I guess it would be a kick, eh Frasier?4:52
Gertrude
Not you two, ya nit! You and Daphne.4:54
Martin
You!5:01
Gertrude
Hello.5:01
Martin
I just had a very interesting discussion with Cora Winston. Seems someone claiming to be my girlfriend scared her off.5:03
Gertrude
Oh dear. Is she the woman from the bookstore?5:10
Martin
No. The bookstore?!5:13
Daphne
Mum, is this true?5:17
Gertrude
Well, I'm sure I don't know what Marty's talking about, but it was probably back when we were an item.5:19
Martin
We were NEVER an item! Now I would like for you to leave.5:24
Frasier
Now Dad, calm down. I'm sure you can talk this over with Cora and have a good laugh afterwards.5:28
Martin
Ha ha! Very funny. Now that she's practically married to this guy.5:31
Gertrude
[rising] Oh, Martin, I'm sorry. I guess didn't realize...5:37
Martin
Apology not accepted. You went too far, we are no longer speaking.5:39
Gertrude
Marty...5:44
Niles
No, no, Mrs. Moon. Mrs. Moon...shut up.5:44
Frasier
Uh, Dad, we're leaving now. We're going over to the flower show and after that we're going to a sporting goods store to buy a couple of bikes.5:50
Martin
Nice try, Fras, but I'm too mad to laugh.5:58
Niles
This one has good lines. You have any without this bar here?6:06
Salesman
You mean girl's bikes. Sure.6:13
Niles
Good. 'Cause my wife's a girl and she'll need one of those.6:15
Salesman
Nice. Maybe I'll go see how she's doing.6:19
Frasier
Niles, we can't stall much longer. I mean, one seems as good as the next, is there anything else we need?6:25
Niles
Hmm, let me see. Oh, yes, I know. We need to know HOW TO RIDE THEM!6:30
Frasier
Shh! We will learn.6:32
Niles
Oh, as easy as that? Look at these machines, Frasier. These are BICYCLES! There is nothing between you and the ground but the ground itself.6:36
Frasier
Yes! And if a child of FOUR can ride one, then so can we.6:45
Niles
That's what we said when we were six! If Daphne finds out, she'll probably...6:48
Frasier
Metal spokes. I like that.6:55
Niles
I should buy the horn separately.6:58
Frasier
Uh-huh.6:58
Niles
That was close.7:05
Frasier
Niles, I am not going to look like an idiot at that Bike-A-Thon. Tonight, I am going to a parking lot and come hell or high water, I am going to master cycling. You're welcome to join me.7:06
Niles
I guess I could sneak out. Perhaps it's time to slay the dragon.7:20
Frasier
That's the stuff, brother.7:24
Niles
Call me crazy, but I like a bouncy tire.7:26
Frasier
Two bouncy tires and a...taut chain. That's good ridin'.7:31
Niles
Where did you learn all that? That was really good.7:39
Frasier
Just a matter of confidence, Niles.7:43
Niles
All a matter of confidence, he says.7:51
Frasier
Yes, well perhaps two people who don't know how to ride bikes shouldn't try to teach each other.7:54
Niles
A good teacher doesn't yell at his student.8:00
Frasier
Nor does a good teacher throw a stick at his student!8:02
Niles
I thought it would make you try harder.8:06
Frasier
Oh, you're going to make a hell of a dad!8:08
Niles
Oh, what are we going to do?8:11
Frasier
Let's not panic. We still have two days before the Bike-A-Thon. Surely the library has shelves devoted to this topic.8:11
Niles
I don't have time for that! Daphne wants to go biking tomorrow afternoon.8:20
Frasier
Well, then you're just going to have to tell her that you don't know how to ride.8:24
Niles
I can't! It's too late! If I was going to do that, I should have done it at the bike store. But NOOO! You, YOU said we could teach ourselves! You said no one would be the wiser!8:27
Frasier
Niles...8:38
Niles
"Two bouncy tires and a taut chain" you said!8:38
Frasier
Niles...8:40
Niles
And now look! My spokes are bent, my pants are stuck, and there's blood on the headlight, and blood everywhere...8:40
Frasier
Niles, that wasn't your fault. That jogger should have been wearing a reflective vest. Come on. Come and sit down. I'm going to get you a nice sherry.8:46
Roz
Hi, Frasier.9:12
Frasier
Oh, hi Roz. You're welcome to join me and Niles.9:12
Roz
Oh, I can't. I'm on my way to meet Alice and her sitter. Alice wants to practice riding her bicycle for Saturday.9:16
Frasier
Really?9:23
Roz
Mm-hm, she loves it. I mean, she had that bike one day before she made me take her training wheels off.9:23
Frasier
Tell me, does she ever find that she feels as though her feet are frozen to the pedals? Stuck in a confused, arrhythmic battle between forward and reverse, until finally, with no locomotive momentum whatsoever, she keels over like a felled tree?9:31
Roz
I don't think so.9:49
Frasier
Well good, good. Because... that's a real thing that happens to some kids.9:51
Daphne
Hey, Frasier.9:58
Frasier
Oh, hello Daphne, Mrs. Moon.9:58
Daphne
I'm afraid I have some bad news.10:03
Niles
What is it?10:03
Daphne
Someone stole our new bikes.10:05
Niles
My God, are you sure? [to waiter] Can I get a refill? That's terrible.10:10
Frasier
You know, that's curious. Niles, didn't that salesman say nothing could break those titanium locks?10:15
Niles
You're right. I must not have locked them properly. Foolish Niles.10:21
Gertrude
You know, I spotted a couple of bikes in the storage room, behind the furnace. Perhaps you could borrow those.10:28
Niles
No, I don't think so. The theft has soured me on the whole bike experience and what were you doing behind the furnace anyway?10:35
Gertrude
Drinking.10:42
Martin
Hello Daphne, Niles, Frasier.10:44
Gertrude
Hello, Martin.10:47
Martin
How are the three of you doin'? Mind if I join you?10:48
Niles
Sure.10:50
Gertrude
Oh, you're not still angry at me, are you?10:53
Martin
Coffee please.10:57
Roz
Hi.10:59
Niles
Hey, Roz.10:59
Roz
Wow, everybody's here today.11:01
Martin
Yeah, grab a seat, I'd love to have a lady sit next to me.11:01
Roz
Thanks, I can't. I'm on my way to the park. I just got a call from the babysitter. Alice did a wheelie!11:07
Roz
Well, I'll see you guys later.11:15
Frasier
That's great, Roz. Bye-bye.11:15
Frasier
Well, someone's raising a real little showoff.11:19
Martin
Now, now, not everyone was meant to ride a bike.11:22
Daphne
What does that mean?11:25
Martin
Well, I'm just saying my boys are good at other things. Indoor things.11:26
Daphne
Oh, no. You don't mean...11:35
Niles
Yes, Daphne. Frasier doesn't know how to ride a bike.11:36
Frasier
Well, neither do you!11:42
Niles
Frasier!11:43
Frasier
Well, she was bound to find out! [to Daphne] We never learned.11:43
Martin
I tried teachin' 'em, but I had to take them to the hospital so many times, social services started sniffin' around.11:48
Niles
All these years, it's been our secret shame.11:56
Frasier
Yes, and it hasn't been easy concealing it, either. People are always saying in conversation "It's just like riding a bike." I can smile, and nod. But I only understand it in theory.11:58
Niles
We tried to teach ourselves last night.12:14
Frasier
Oh, can you imagine a sadder tableaux: two grown men trying to gain mastery over a child's toy and failing miserably.12:16
Niles
Even more pathetic: a grown man faking the theft of his and his wife's bicycles. I disgust myself. I'm so sorry, Daphne.12:23
Daphne
Niles, you've no need to apologize. Lots of people don't know how to ride.12:33
Niles
Really?12:38
Gertrude
No.12:39
Daphne
It doesn't matter. I can take you to the park and teach you. I'll teach you both.12:41
Frasier
Really, Daphne?12:45
Daphne
Yes.12:47
Niles
Daphne, I adore you.12:47
Gertrude
No, seriously. Who?12:49
Frasier
Thank you, Daphne.12:53
Niles
You know, I'm afraid my bike may be too damaged to ride.12:55
Daphne
So we'll borrow one from someone in the building. I promise you, you two are going to learn how to ride bikes.12:58
Martin
You're a good wife, Daphne. And I'll bet you were a good daughter when your mother was alive.13:04
Frasier
Helmet.13:22
Niles
Check.13:22
Frasier
Pads.13:25
Niles
Check.13:25
Frasier
Cup.13:28
Niles
Check.13:28
Daphne
All right. Now remember: keep your eyes open and pedal quickly. I just want to get an idea of your individual skill levels. All right, everyone ready? And...go!13:32
Daphne
Okay, good start. Now, let's try again, but this time further apart.13:45
Frasier
Okay. I think this is going to be all right.13:55
Niles
Yes, this isn't so bad.13:56
Daphne
All right. And...go!14:00
Daphne
Yes, very good.14:06
Frasier
It's that damned sycamore! It's got a magnetic hold on me.15:18
Daphne
That's because you keep focusing on it. Whatever you do, put it out of your mind. The more you think about it, the worse it gets.15:22
Niles
You're a cloud, scudding across a clear blue sky.15:28
Frasier
I'm a cloud.15:32
Niles
You're a cloud. A cloud...15:32
Frasier
I AM a cloud! I'm flying! Look, I'm riding a bike.15:40
Martin
I heard ya. I'm comin'.16:03
Gertrude
Hello.16:07
Martin
Oh, geez!16:11
Martin
Look. I'm sorry. I'm still ticked. I'm not proud of it, but I have to do the right thing and that means hold this grudge.16:16
Gertrude
Ah! You're talking to me. I knew you would.16:23
Gertrude
Oh, you're here to see Marty?16:29
Cora
Actually, I think not.16:32
Gertrude
Look, no. This isn't what it looks like. I'm here to apologize. But since he's not talking to me, I guess I can say me piece to you. Now, first of all, don't be scared. I'm not a secret agent and I don't have a license to kill. Back when I said all that to you, I wasn't really in me right mind, anyway. I mean, I'd just separated from me husband and...well, maybe I hoped Marty would be some kind of...knight in shining armor. But we were never a couple, though.16:33
Cora
It was a pretty rotten thing you did.17:08
Gertrude
Yes, I know, dear, just awful. In me defense, I've done much worse. And besides, between you and the girl at the bookstore, I liked you better.17:10
Martin
Sonovabitch!17:24
Martin
Cora! Hi, come on in.17:34
Cora
Hi. I ran into a friend of yours.17:36
Martin
Oh, she's no friend of mine.17:36
Cora
Well, she had some nice things to say about you. Maybe we could talk about it at dinner tomorrow.17:41
Martin
I thought you were seeing someone.17:48
Cora
I don't see him here.17:50
Martin
I guess not. Pick you up at seven?17:52
Cora
Seven it is. So...who's this girl from the bookstore?17:55
Martin
See you tomorrow.18:01
Martin
Never thought I'd see the day. This is really somethin'.18:12
Frasier
Thanks Dad.18:15
Daphne
That's right. You faced your fears and you bested them.18:16
Niles
Yeah, thanks to you.18:19
Niles
And who knows? Maybe this is just be the beginning. There are still mountains to conquer. The diving board, for instance.18:21
Frasier
Or cartwheels.18:25
Martin
Be careful out there, Son.18:28
Frasier
I will, Dad. Thanks. I guess I better go take my place, huh?18:28
Martin
Okay.18:32
Frasier
Kenny, Julia.18:36
Kenny
Hey, Doc.18:38
Julia
Hi.18:38
Frasier
So, have a good ride.18:39
Kenny
Not gonna happen. These shorts are already bunchin' me somethin' fierce. Excuse me.18:39
Frasier
Pretty exciting.18:48
Julia
Thrilling. You don't mind if we don't ride together, do you? I like to go at my own pace.18:50
Frasier
No, not at all. You don't have to feel like you have to keep up.18:53
Julia
Right. Well, what do you say we make it interesting?19:00
Frasier
What did you have in mind?19:03
Julia
Last one across the finish line doubles the other's pledges.19:05
Frasier
You're on. And I look forward to watching you write that big fat check.19:08
Niles
Frasier! Remember: keep your eye on the road and don't fixate on anything you can crash into.19:13
Frasier
Right!19:19
Niles
Good luck!19:19
Julia
Boy, I hope I can steer around that big mailbox right there. Ciao!19:25
Roz
Frasier?19:43
Alice
Are you okay?19:43
Frasier
I'll be all right. Why don't you guys go ahead. I'll catch up to you.19:46
Roz
Okay.19:50
Frasier
Oh, lord. Pardon me. Beep beep! Oh, gosh, no. Oh, dear God!19:57