The Doctor Is Out
Aired Sep. 30, 2003 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Oh, hello Dad, hi Niles.0:08
Martin
Hey, Fras.0:08
Frasier
[to the counter waiter] Uh, may I get my usual, please? [notices Niles's suit] Niles, we're playing squash in twenty minutes. Where are your togs?0:10
Niles
Oh, yes, I had to hide them in my briefcase. I told Daphne I was seeing patients all day. It was the only way I could get out of driving her to this flower show. It's two hours there and back.0:15
Frasier
I see. Well, we could have rescheduled. Did you really have to lie?0:23
Niles
Did I mention we'd be joined by Daphne's mother, who's suffering from some female complaint and can't get it through her head that I'm not a gynecologist?0:26
Frasier
Ah. Well, then you had to save yourself.0:34
Niles
Thank you. So, please, don't tell anyone we're playing squash today. I can't have it getting back to Daphne.0:34
Frasier
Right.0:39
Roz
Hey, guys! [they all ad-lib hellos] I'm so glad you're here, you can meet my new boyfriend. He's the hottest guy I've dated since...0:41
Niles
Frasier...0:45
Roz
Okay, the hottest guy since... [cracking up] Frasier. [laughs]0:48
Niles
That's Alistair Burke!0:53
Frasier
I know!0:54
Martin
Who's Alistair Burke?0:54
Frasier
He is only the head of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world.0:56
Niles
His productions are brilliant. He staged a Phillip Glass opera last year, and no one left.1:00
Frasier
Alistair — uh, it's, it's Frasier Crane. Uh, we met last year at the fundraiser.1:04
Alistair
[shaking hands] Of course! You're on the radio.1:07
Frasier
Yes, yes!1:10
Alistair
[to Niles] And you're, uh — don't tell me...1:11
Alistair
All right, tell me.1:15
Niles
[deflated] Niles Crane. [also shakes hands]1:17
Frasier
Yes, we've both got tickets to your premiere, and, oh, we can't wait to see what magic you'll work with "La Boheme."1:19
Alistair
[arch] Well, I would be content if my Mimi would just lay off the cheeseburgers. I sat her down yesterday and I said, "you're dying of consumption, dear, not over-consumption."1:24
Frasier
Oh, that's hilarious!1:36
Niles
It's funny because it's bitchy.1:38
Frasier
Yes, and how well you're looking!1:38
Alistair
Oh, thank you.1:39
Niles
I like your suit!1:41
Alistair
Well, you're too kind, and it's nice to see you again. Bye- bye, take care.1:41
Roz
Wow, that was thorough. Find any polyps up there?1:49
Frasier
We were merely paying due respect to one of the giants of the opera world.1:56
Barry
Hey!2:01
Roz
Barry, hi! This is Frasier, and Niles, and Martin.2:01
Martin
Hi — whoa, strong handshake. You look like you work out a lot.2:06
Roz
He practically lives at the gym.2:11
Barry
Well, it's my church.2:13
Barry
Oh, this blouse looks amazing on you.2:15
Frasier
Yes, it's very chic, Roz.2:17
Roz
Well, Barry picked it out. He's the women's wear buyer at Bidwell's. He spent a whole day last week going through my closet and throwing out all the stuff I shouldn't wear anymore.2:19
Barry
You should have seen what she was still holding on to — culottes!2:26
Roz
Stop it!2:31
Frasier
Well... one wonders what's been in Barry's closet a little too long. [Niles sniggers]2:33
Martin
What are you talking about?2:41
Frasier
Oh, come on, he didn't seem gay to you?2:43
Martin
That guy's not gay! You know how you can tell? The muscles.2:45
Niles
[playing along] Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle.2:53
Roz
So, isn't he fabulous?2:58
Frasier
Yes, yes, uh, fabulous sums it up in a word.3:01
Martin
I think he's perfect for you, Roz — good-looking, friendly, [at Frasier] and not gay at all.3:04
Roz
Who said he was gay?3:11
Martin
Not me.3:13
Roz
He's not gay!3:13
Frasier
Yes, all right, Roz, but you can see how someone might get that impression, all right?3:15
Roz
Why, because of his job? Because he takes care of himself? That is just such lazy, stereotypical...3:18
Frasier
All right, you're right, it was a shallow, knee-jerk assumption, and unworthy of us, both as psychiatrists and men about town.3:23
Barry
We better go, we're gonna miss the movie.3:30
Roz
Right, bye.3:32
Martin
See you.3:32
Roz
[sees the tray] What, no biscotti for you?3:33
Barry
Please — I'm a house.3:33
Niles
Can't you walk any faster?3:47
Frasier
I'm moving as fast as I can in these ridiculous shorts of yours.3:49
Niles
Well, you wouldn't need them if you hadn't burst out of your own.3:52
Frasier
I did not burst out of them. My laundress simply over- bleached them until they had the tensile strength of a cobweb. If you're in such a hurry you should have brought your own car.3:55
Niles
Daphne needed it for her flower show. And remember...4:02
Frasier
Yes, yes, you were seeing patients. We did not play squash.4:05
Niles
Is that Roz's boyfriend?4:10
Niles
Oh, you don't suppose she told him what we were saying about him?4:14
Frasier
No, I can't imagine she would do that. Let's just act natural.4:17
Niles
All right.4:19
Frasier
Where did he go?4:24
Niles
Odd. He was just here.4:24
Niles
"Bad Billy's." What sort of place do you think that is?4:29
Frasier
Well, let's see. Tuesday is leather night... so it's probably some sort of shoe outlet. [then] It's a gay bar, you idiot. [Niles mouths, "I know that"] Come on, let's go.4:33
Niles
What?! No, no, no, no! I told Daphne I was seeing patients until seven. If I'm late, she might get suspicious.4:45
Frasier
Niles, Roz is my friend. I'm not going to let her get hurt by some man who's lying to her about himself. I'll be just a minute.4:49
Frasier
Excuse me, uh, I'm looking for a guy.5:04
Patron
Yeah, I kinda got that from the shorts.5:07
Frasier
It's a particular guy — he's about thirty-five years old...5:11
Eduardo
Frasier?5:13
Frasier
Eduardo! [to the patron] My furniture polisher. Don't tell me you put away paste and chamois for life as a barkeep.5:15
Eduardo
I just do this on the side.5:22
Frasier
Oh, well, bet you're surprised to see me in here.5:24
Eduardo
[going along] Okay.5:27
Frasier
All right, look, I thought I saw a friend of mine come in here. He's, uh, mid-thirties, uh, wavy hair, good build...5:30
Eduardo
Yeah, I think he's in the bathroom.5:37
Frasier
Oh, oh...5:37
Eduardo
Can I get you a drink?5:41
Frasier
[still moving to the music; "why not?"] Sherry, please.5:47
Barry
Oh, hi Niles.6:00
Niles
Hey, Barry.6:00
Niles
[over the music] Frasier, Barry's not here. I just saw him.6:17
Frasier
[not hearing him] What?6:19
Niles
Barry's not here, let's go.6:20
Frasier
He's in the bathroom.6:22
Niles
No, he's not. Can we just go, please?6:23
Frasier
What did you say?6:26
Niles
Daphne's expecting me, let's go!6:27
Frasier
Come again?6:29
Niles
[yelling] Oh, for God's sake...6:29
Niles
I'm begging you, please take me home!6:32
Frasier
You see, actually, he and I are...6:43
Frasier
You can rationalize your actions all you want to, Kevin, but the truth is, you're just not being honest, are you?7:02
Kevin
[v.o.] I guess I'm not, but it's not like you're so honest about everything in your life.7:08
Frasier
I beg your pardon?7:13
Kevin
Well, you've never told your audience you're gay.7:15
Frasier
Excuse me?7:21
Kevin
I saw you in a gay bar last night.7:22
Frasier
Oh. Oh, I see. [chuckling] Yes, in fact, I did pop into Bad Billy's yesterday. You see, I thought I had seen a gentlemen I wished to speak with go in there, and I'd certainly never been in that bar before.7:25
Kevin
Then how come you knew the bartender by name? And why were you wearing those tight little shorts?7:42
Frasier
Well, they-they were not my shorts. You see, I'd been playing squash, and I borrowed them from my... [catches himself] uh, from my friend, who is slim-hipped.7:49
Kevin
Yeah, kind of like that nervous guy you picked up.8:00
Frasier
Look, I did not pick anybody up! All right, I am going to put an end to this discussion, because there is nothing to discuss. On my way home from the gym, I popped into Bad Billy's looking for a man I was hoping was in the bathroom. I had a quick sherry with my French polisher and then I left. As for how I got into another man's shorts, that is no one's business!8:02
Roz
And we're off the air.8:31
Frasier
[throws off his headphones] Oh, dear God!8:31
Roz
That man you thought you saw going into Bad Billy's, that wouldn't be Barry, would it?8:37
Frasier
All right, Roz. I-I saw him on the street, I turned, and the next thing I knew he was gone. I thought he was...8:39
Roz
Yeah, you know what Barry was doing from 10:00 until midnight last night?8:45
Frasier
What?8:48
Roz
Me, that's what! He's not gay, whereas you, Miss Marple, you've just been outed.8:48
Frasier
Outed?!8:55
Gil
Frasier! I am so sorry, I thought that last call was appalling.8:57
Frasier
Thank you, Gil.9:04
Gil
You poor man! How long you must have dreaded this dark, yet inevitable day. I so wish you could have been allowed to come out in a time and manner of your own choosing, instead of being wrenched from your closet, your voice cracking, your cheeks crimson with shame...9:04
Frasier
Gil, I am not gay. [packs his briefcase]9:21
Gil
Oh, Frasier, you can't play coy once you've been caught traipsing about Bad Billy's in shorts that left little to the imagination.9:24
Frasier
They were not my shorts! I simply borrowed them because my own had split when I bent over...9:29
Gil
Oh, please! We don't need to know everything. I just want to say that your KACL family will be here for you as you take your first brave steps on that yellow brick road to pride and self-acceptance and...9:35
Frasier
Oh, shut up, you big queen!9:48
Gil
I see Kitty has claws.9:55
Frasier
Oh, um, another latte to go, please. [hands her some money] And you can take it out of there, thank you. [re: biscotti] I-I didn't order these.10:03
Waitress
They're from those guys over there.10:08
Frasier
Oh, Dad. You care for a coffee?10:16
Martin
Nah. I can see where you might think I would, though. A guy walks into a coffee bar, he can't blame people for thinking he likes coffee.10:18
Frasier
Yes, Dad.10:26
Martin
Course, uh, if he didn't like it, he could make that clear to people. He might say, "I am not a coffee drinker"...10:27
Martin
Or, "I have never tried coffee even once."10:34
Frasier
Yes, all right, Dad.10:38
Martin
"I am not even curious about..."10:40
Frasier
Yes, all right! [the waitress brings his latte] Thank you.10:40
Niles
Frasier.10:51
Frasier
I see you caught my show.10:53
Niles
Mmm-hmm.10:55
Frasier
Go ahead, let's hear it.10:55
Niles
I'm not going to tease you. I'm grateful. You could have ratted me out to Daphne, but instead, you protected me... just like a big sister should. [sniggers]10:57
Frasier
You know, I'm glad this tickles you.11:07
Niles
I shouldn't make fun. You people have been persecuted long enough as it is. [sniggers again]11:10
Frasier
Are you done?11:15
Niles
I'm done.11:15
Frasier
[rises] I will return those shorts to you tomorrow.11:17
Niles
No, keep them, you'll want them for the parade! [laughs, then] I'm done, now I'm done.11:18
Alistair
Frasier!11:23
Frasier
Oh, Alistair.11:23
Alistair
So sorry to hear about your ordeal today.11:26
Frasier
Oh, boy — you heard my show then?11:29
Alistair
No, I heard the replay on "Kiki and Mel's Drivetime Circus." If it's any comfort, I went through the same thing myself once.11:31
Frasier
Really?11:40
Alistair
Yes, I was a guest on a call-in show, and an angry ex-boyfriend phoned in. Everything came out: names, dates, birthmarks. Had quite a chat with the wife that night. Very frank... very expensive.11:40
Frasier
Oh, how awful for you. Of course, in my case-11:54
Alistair
I know what might rally your spirits. I'm giving a small party after the premiere of my opera next week. Are you free to come?11:58
Frasier
I'd be delighted!12:06
Alistair
Splendid! Well, I must get to rehearsals.12:06
Frasier
Oh, how are things coming?12:10
Alistair
You can tag along, see for yourself if you like. [Niles gapes]12:12
Frasier
I would love that! Let me just grab my coffee. [runs back to his table and does] Goodbye, Dad. [smugly] Niles.12:16
Niles
Did you see that? I would kill to go to that party! [sulky] I was at that gay bar too, you know.12:27
Martin
Let's see... one of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. [bites his biscotti] Yep, life is good.12:37
Frasier
Dad, please clean up that debris around your chair. Alistair is coming by.12:50
Martin
Oh, Alistair — that's all we've heard around here all week. Alistair this, Alistair that...12:55
Daphne
You can't blame him for being excited. It's fun having a famous friend. When I lived in England... do you know the actor Peter O'Toole?13:02
Martin
[interested] Sure.13:09
Daphne
I always thought it would be fun to be friends with him.13:12
Frasier
Now, that's him. Everyone just act natural.13:18
Alistair
Frasier!13:22
Frasier
Alistair!13:22
Alistair
You smell fantastic.13:27
Frasier
Oh, it must be my new conditioner. Sandalwood with just a hint of...?13:29
Alistair
...Cloves.13:33
Frasier
Oh, the man's amazing. He has the musical panache of Leonard Bernstein and the nose of a Tuscan truffle hog.13:33
Alistair
You turn my head, sir.13:42
Frasier
Oh, well, come and meet my father, Martin Crane.13:42
Alistair
Well, how lovely to meet you, Martin.13:46
Martin
[shaking hands] How are you?13:46
Alistair
Niles...13:49
Niles
Hello.13:51
Alistair
Love the tie.13:49
Niles
[preening] Charvet.13:51
Daphne
And I'm Daphne, Niles' wife.13:53
Alistair
[disbelieving] No.13:56
Niles
We're expecting.14:00
Alistair
Can't say I was. How lovely to meet you, Daphne.14:00
Daphne
Likewise.14:04
Alistair
Frasier, this apartment is stunning.14:07
Frasier
Thank you.14:07
Alistair
The view — breathtaking, the art — perfect, the chair — hilarious.14:10
Alistair
Damn. So sorry. I have to take this call. [answers phone] Hello? Placido!14:20
Frasier
Placido Domingo?!14:26
Alistair
[aside] Yes. [Niles also gapes; into phone] I'm here with Frasier. Yes, he's the one I told you about. Oh, stop!14:26
Frasier
Oh, oh, yes, uh... in the kitchen.14:37
Alistair
[heads into the kitchen; into phone] Well, you'll meet him next month at the concert in Madrid. [puts phone to shoulder] Oops! Now I've spoiled the surprise.14:39
Frasier
[ecstatic] He's taking me to Madrid!14:48
Martin
You just met him last week, what's going on? He kissed you.14:54
Frasier
Well, he's a man of the theater, he kisses everyone. Well, it's not like he's the first gay friend I've ever had.14:57
Niles
He's the first one who thinks you're gay, too.15:03
Frasier
He does not think I'm gay.15:06
Niles
He thinks I'm gay, and I'm standing next to my pregnant wife.15:08
Martin
Have you told him you're straight?15:14
Frasier
I don't have to. I mean, it's obvious — we are just friends. [crosses his arms] He is not courting me.15:14
Niles
[notices] Is that a new watch?15:22
Frasier
[drops his arms] So what if it is!15:22
Daphne
Jewelry! Ooh, he's a keeper.15:28
Frasier
Stop that! My friendship with Alistair is the best thing that's happened to me in months. I will not have you sully it by making it out to be something it's not.15:30
Alistair
Sorry, my angel. Well, we'd best get to that tailor.15:38
Frasier
Oh, yes, yes, we're having new tuxes made for Alistair's premiere party this weekend.15:45
Alistair
To which you are all invited.15:49
Niles
[gasps] Thank you!15:51
Daphne
Will Peter O'Toole be there?15:54
Alistair
No, and he knows why. [eats one] These are amazing! Where did you get them?15:54
Frasier
I made them myself.16:03
Alistair
No... is there anything this man can't do?16:03
Niles
Time will tell.16:08
Niles
Will you look at this crowd? It's like a Who's Who of the cr�me de la cr�me of the upper crust!16:24
Alistair
Frasier!16:32
Frasier
[coming over] Alistair, your production was a triumph!16:32
Alistair
Wasn't it? [then] Smile.16:37
Alistair
[to Niles and Daphne] Welcome, welcome.16:42
Niles
Thank you.16:42
Alistair
There are so many people here I'm dying for you to meet, but I have to make a little announcement first. Glinka, darling, come and meet Frasier.16:44
Glinka
Frasier, finally!16:52
Frasier
Oh, Glinka, it's such an honor to meet you. I have all your recordings. [kisses her hands]16:54
Glinka
So I hear that you and Alistair are quite an item.16:59
Frasier
Oh, no, no, no, we're just very good friends.17:02
Glinka
[playing along] Oh, yes. Yes, of course.17:04
Alistair
Everyone! Could I have your attention, please? I have to announce that our very own Nigel Frye is retiring and giving up his seat on the Opera board...17:06
Alistair
But I am thrilled to name as his successor a tireless supporter of opera in Seattle, Dr. Frasier Crane.17:18
Frasier
Oh! Oh, my! Oh, I never dreamed... [hugs Alistair] Oh, thank you, thank you!17:29
Alistair
[between kisses on Frasier's cheeks] Congratu...lations.17:33
Glinka
[aside to Niles and Daphne] Stunning couple, aren't they?17:35
Niles
I'm more stunned by them each day.17:37
Frasier
[hugs Daphne] Oh, Daph.17:42
Daphne
What an honor.17:42
Frasier
Oh my God!17:43
Niles
Isn't it thrilling? Frasier, can we talk to you for a moment?17:43
Frasier
Yes.17:45
Niles
Do you realize that every person in this room thinks that you're Alistair's boyfriend?17:47
Frasier
Listen, I can't help it if people think we're a couple. The point is, I'm enjoying myself, and if you're too jealous to be happy for me, then that's your problem.17:50
Niles
Jealous?!17:58
Frasier
Yes, that's right. All my life, I have dreamed of being half of a power couple, and I finally am! Is it perfect? No. But it's fun, and I don't want it to end.17:58
Daphne
Don't you worry at all that Alistair might be falling for you?18:14
Frasier
Oh, please, the man has not even made a move on me. And do you know why? Because we are friends. Famous, fabulous friends.18:17
Niles
Oh, uh, Alistair. Congratulations, it was a stunning production.18:26
Alistair
Well, thank you, Niles.18:30
Daphne
It must be awfully hard work putting on an opera.18:31
Alistair
It is utterly draining. In fact, when I'm in rehearsals, I devote every ounce of strength to it. No exercising, no jogging, I even abstain from sex. Well, you can ask Frasier here. [caresses Frasier's chin] My poor, dear, patient Frasier.18:33
Glinka
[comes over] Care to dance?18:55
Alistair
I would love to. [caresses Frasier's chin again] Don't go far.18:55
Niles
[smug again] Well, looks like Nigel won't be the only one "giving up his seat" tonight.19:08
Frasier
I could scratch your eyes out and not one person here would find it strange.19:17
Daphne
I'm sorry.19:23
Frasier
Damn my fatal allure.19:27
Frasier
Alistair, when you're finished with this dance...19:32
Glinka
[charmed] Oh no, be my guest.19:35
Alistair
Frasier, do you have any idea how sexy you look in that tux?19:42
Frasier
Yes, I do. Alistair, I'm afraid I may have given you the wrong impression about myself.19:48
Alistair
You seem nervous. Don't be. And I want to thank you for waiting.19:56
Frasier
Oh no, the waiting was good, I enjoyed the waiting.20:00
Alistair
Oh, me too! [twirls Frasier] How it sharpens the appetite. How it builds! [dancing more against him] The intensity, the heat, the desire! Can you feel it?!20:02
Frasier
[literally, in terror] Oh yes, there it is!20:13
Frasier
Alistair, um... listen, I-I, I'm afraid I have to tell you something. Uh... I'm not gay.20:17
Alistair
Oh, Frasier, please don't tell me you're still struggling with those issues.20:29
Frasier
Well, I-I like you so much, and I love our friendship. I'm afraid we can never really be more than friends.20:32
Alistair
Would three weeks on Capri in Bertolucci's villa change your mind?20:38
Frasier
It's worth a try. [then] No, no, no. It-it wouldn't. I'm sorry.20:51
Alistair
[sighs] Well, then...21:00
Frasier
I'm so sorry.21:03
Alistair
So am I. Could I ask a small favor of you?21:03
Frasier
Of course, anything.21:06
Alistair
Would you mind staying tonight until my other guests have gone? I'd hate my friends to think I've been jilted.21:09
Frasier
Of course.21:16
Alistair
It won't be very late. Around about 3:00 it's down to the core crowd, and we'll all relax and unwind.21:16
Servant
It's after midnight, sir. Shall I fire up the hot tub?21:22
Alistair
Absolutely.21:25
Frasier
I'm afraid I don't have a bathing suit.21:27
Alistair
Then you'll fit right in.21:27