The Matchmaker
Aired 4th October 1994 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by David Lee
Frasier
Oh my God! Fire!0:11
Martin
Eddie! Eddie! Where are you, boy?0:15
Frasier
Dad, wake up! Dad, are you in there?0:18
Martin
Eddie! Here, Eddie! Come on!0:20
Frasier
Dad, where are you? Where's the fire?0:20
Martin
Have you seen Eddie?0:24
Frasier
What's burning? Where's the fire?0:25
Martin
Eddie!0:28
Daphne
It's alright, it's alright! False alarm! The one above my bed went off.0:28
Frasier
Thank God!0:34
Daphne
Oh, and don't worry about Eddie - he's back in my room. God, the noise the bloody thing makes! It would be less upsetting just to wake up on fire!0:36
Martin
What the hell triggered it?0:45
Daphne
Who knows? I was dozing quite peacefully when it started screaming away for no reason at all.0:45
Frasier
I see. [takes the packet] What have we here? Eddie, you've been smoking in Daphne's bedroom, bad dog!0:55
Daphne
I know, you have a no-smoking rule. I'm sorry. But every now and again I feel a bit tense and I find a ciggy can be very soothing.1:03
Martin
Oh yeah, it's real soothing. It only should be an hour before my heart stops fibrillating. [exits]1:12
Frasier
[reading clock] Oh, it figures, 3 AM. Of course this would happen the night before I have an early morning meeting!1:19
Frasier
Daphne, aren't you going back to bed?1:26
Daphne
No. I'll just sit up for a bit, I'm feeling a bit blue.1:26
Frasier
Anything you'd like to talk about?1:33
Daphne
No, you need your sleep, it's nothing important. [he starts to exit] Just this feeling that my life's a gaping sinkhole and I'm just marking time while the flower of my youth rots on the vine.1:35
Frasier
[eager to escape] Well, so long as you're sure.1:49
Frasier
I really wish you'd tell me about it.1:56
Daphne
Well, if you must know, it's my love life.2:00
Frasier
Really? You've been seeing a man?2:04
Daphne
Only when I close my eyes and concentrate.2:05
Frasier
Ah, I see. You're going through a bit of a drought, eh?2:11
Daphne
No wonder. The rare times I do go out, it's usually with your father. People see us and assume I'm his daughter, or else his girlfriend. Either way, it's like having my own personal can of stud repellant.2:13
Frasier
Yes well, I know how bleak these times can be. But believe me, they will come to an end sooner or later. I remember a time back in Boston when I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid — sophisticated, if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love, we got engaged... [realizes] Of course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith... [thinks, as Daphne lights a cigarette] Who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button! But, I rebounded! And look how far I've come... I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father.2:29
Roz
I figured I'd find you here! You know, you missed your meeting with the new station manager.3:34
Frasier
Oh no, I completely forgot.3:38
Roz
God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.3:40
Frasier
I was up till all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which one of us had the most pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.3:45
Roz
Well, I know what your problems are. What are Daphne's?3:54
Frasier
She's just having trouble finding men.3:58
Roz
Say no more!4:01
Frasier
[trying to be tactful] No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.4:02
Roz
Oh, come on, I'd be happy to.4:08
Frasier
But still, one hates to break up a collection.4:10
Niles
[sitting down] There we go - double espresso, and my mocha latte. Do those chocolate shavings look any different to you?4:15
Frasier
No.4:20
Niles
Well, they do to me. I think they've switched to an inferior domestic brand. [takes a sip and swishes them around like wine] Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm - waxy.4:20
Roz
[finding a name] Oh, here we go! Sven Bachman, he's an aerobics instructor.4:34
Frasier
I don't think so.4:36
Roz
Oh, this one's perfect! Gunther Dietrich. He's loads of fun, and he's a runway model.4:38
Frasier
A German narcissist, now there's an appealing combination.4:43
Roz
Okay, okay, I'll keep looking.4:48
Niles
Looking for what?4:48
Roz
I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.4:51
Niles
[lightly] What?4:59
Roz
Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick.5:01
Niles
Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?5:04
Roz
Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.5:19
Niles
Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?5:21
Roz
Listen, you little titmouse-!5:26
Frasier
[coming between them] Alright! Niles: you are completely out of line here. And Roz: he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. Whilst Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more...5:29
Roz
Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say?5:42
Frasier
No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy.5:49
Roz
[getting up] Oh, I'm out of here.5:53
Frasier
Oh, Roz, please wait.5:53
Roz
Oh no, I can't stay, the fleet's in!5:54
Frasier
And this concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system. Had this been a real emergency, your radio would be melting in your hands. We'll be right back after these messages.6:12
Roz
In the future, please keep your disgusting half-eaten food off my console. In fact, just stay out of my sight!6:29
Frasier
You're still mad at me, I can tell.6:35
Roz
[nasty] And there's that keen sensitivity that keeps you in such demand with the ladies.6:38
Frasier
Look Roz, I'm sorry if I insulted you earlier. But the truth is, I feel very protective of Daphne. See, the kind of man I'm looking for has to be good-looking, smart, successful...6:45
Tom
Excuse me.6:56
Frasier
Yes?6:56
Tom
I'm Tom Duran, the new station manager.6:58
Frasier
Oh! Tom, hey, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm so sorry about missing the meeting this morning, I slept right through it.6:58
Tom
Oh yeah me too, and I was there.7:06
Tom
Say, that's a beautiful tie.7:08
Frasier
Oh, thank you. Yes, I got this one in London at one of those custom shops just of off Sloane Square.7:08
Tom
You know, I just came from London. I spent the last five years working for the BBC.7:16
Frasier
Really? I love London - the museums, the theatre...7:19
Tom
Oh yeah, I'm a big theatre buff, three shows a week. I hated leaving.7:22
Frasier
I can imagine. Why did you?7:26
Tom
Well, I just kind of went through a messy break-up. I thought I'd sleep better with a continent between us.7:29
Frasier
Yes, I know the feeling! [clicks] So, I take it then you're unattached?7:36
Tom
Yes, but I haven't given up hope.7:45
Frasier
Well, you may have come to the right place.7:47
Tom
Really?7:50
Frasier
Yes. You say you're very fond of the English?7:50
Tom
Oh yes, very much. You know, I think I've always had a weakness for people who are just a little eccentric.7:53
Frasier
[now really interested] Really?8:00
Roz
Fifteen seconds.8:00
Tom
Well, it was nice meeting you.8:01
Frasier
Likewise.8:03
Frasier
Uh, say Tom, this may sound like short notice, but if you're not busy Saturday, why don't you come round my place for dinner? Nothing fancy.8:04
Tom
Well thanks, I'd like that.8:10
Frasier
Great!8:12
Frasier
Hello Seattle, we're back. Roz, who do we have up next?8:15
Roz
We have James from Tacoma on line one.8:19
Frasier
Hello James, I'm listening...8:22
Tom
Hi, Roz.8:25
Roz
Hi, Tom. How's it going?8:27
Tom
Well, you know, it's the same with every job I take. The word flies like wild fire.8:28
Roz
What's that?8:32
Tom
Oh, you know, you tell one or two people you're gay and before you can blink it's all over the station.8:34
Roz
Well, they don't call it "broadcasting" for nothing.8:40
Tom
He seems like a nice guy.8:46
Roz
Oh, he's OK.8:46
Tom
I hope he's more than OK, he just asked me out on a date.8:49
Roz
Frasier just asked you out on a date?8:58
Tom
Well, he asked me to his place for dinner. So I wanted to ask you, is there any particular wine he likes?9:00
Roz
Listen Tom, there is something I think you need to know about Frasier...9:05
Tom
What?9:07
Roz
He's nuts about chardonnay.9:10
Tom
Thanks!9:10
Daphne
Does he ask permission first? Oh no, he just barges in and says he's set me up with God-knows-who, and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella.9:23
Frasier
Will you please relax? Look, I told you, this is not a set- up. Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.9:31
Daphne
Oh, an ambush then. Much nicer! My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time. And it was always some gangly bounder with a boarding-house reach. And he wasn't going for the Coleman's Hot Mustard, if you know what I mean!9:36
Frasier
Just keep in mind, Tom is just a co-worker who's coming by for a pleasant little dinner. If some sparks should ignite, then fine, but there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure... is that what you're wearing?9:52
Daphne
Why, what's wrong with it?10:03
Frasier
Don't you have something with a little more oomph? Oh, what About that, that strapless number you have? [motions down his hips]10:05
Daphne
Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?10:13
Frasier
Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do!10:17
Frasier
Tom! Come on in.10:25
Tom
Hi, Frasier.10:25
Frasier
Good to see you.10:27
Tom
[re: wine] Oh, I don't know, something told me you might like chardonnay.10:27
Frasier
Oh my, that's my favorite. So, what do you think of this place?10:29
Tom
[looking out the window] That's a hell of a view!10:34
Frasier
It's even better from the bedroom.10:37
Tom
Why don't we just start with the drink?10:45
Tom
[re: dining table] Oh, four places, who's joining us?10:50
Frasier
Oh, just my little household: my father and his charming physical therapist, Daphne.10:52
Tom
You live with your dad? I can't even imagine that. Well, I mean it's great that you get along so well, but doesn't, um... having him here put a crimp in your love life?10:59
Frasier
Oh, not at all. Except when I bring my dates home, he tries to steal them.11:09
Frasier
He's quite the old rascal!11:20
Frasier
Well, look who we have here. Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne. Daphne this is Tom Duran.11:25
Tom
[shaking hands] Pleasure to meet you.11:34
Daphne
Likewise. Oh, Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat!11:34
Frasier
Oh, sorry.11:38
Daphne
May I?11:38
Daphne
Oh, this is strange, I'm picking up a vibration from your coat.11:48
Tom
Excuse me?11:52
Frasier
Yes well, Daphne feels she possesses psychic powers - you know those English eccentrics.11:53
Daphne
[comes back and takes Tom's hand] Oh, you've just been through a very painful break-up, haven't you?11:58
Tom
Yes! [then, to Frasier] Oh, wait a minute, you told her that, didn't you?12:02
Frasier
No, no.12:03
Daphne
There was a bitter dispute about ownership of opera recordings.12:05
Tom
[drops onto the couch] Whoa!12:09
Daphne
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll nip into the kitchen. I have a bird to baste. [exits]12:12
Frasier
Quite something, isn't she?12:21
Tom
Yeah, she's great. I love hearing that accent again.12:21
Martin
[entering] Hey Frasier, I don't have to put a tie on for this joker, do I? [sees Tom]12:25
Frasier
Tom, this is my father, Martin Crane.12:32
Tom
Tom Duran, nice to meet you.12:35
Martin
[shaking hands] I'm sorry about that "joker" business. [Tom waves it off] I call everybody joker, jerk, pinhead, bozo...12:36
Frasier
And amazingly he's free for dinner on short notice. Why don't I just open some of this wonderful wine?12:45
Frasier
Well?12:53
Daphne
Oh, he's a looker. I'm glad you made me put on my lucky bra. He's worth every wire digging into my ribcage.12:53
Frasier
Yes, you've made quite an impression on him too. He thinks you're great!13:02
Daphne
Oh, go on! [giggles] God, listen to me getting carried away like a school girl when I've just met the man. No, I'm not raising my hopes tonight - though I'm glad I raised my bosom.13:05
Martin
Yeah, let me tell you, you're gonna love Seattle. It's a real people place. Great food, great bars...13:17
Tom
I've heard that. Any you recommend?13:21
Martin
Yeah, I usually hang out at a place called Duke's. Great crowd, lot of young cops. [Tom is pleased] So, do you like football?13:24
Tom
Yeah, yeah, I really missed it when I was living in London.13:36
Martin
Yeah, well maybe we can take you to see a Seahawks game sometime. Frasier hates it, so it'd just be us.13:38
Tom
Hey, Frasier warned me about you!13:43
Martin
Yeah, I guess I yell at the players too loud. [laughs]13:47
Frasier
[entering] Here we are, Tom. [hands him wine] Dad, I took the liberty of selecting an amusing little vintage for you too. [hands him a Ballantine] Sorry, I didn't bring the pull-tab so you could sniff it.13:51
Martin
Merci beaucoup. [pronounces it "mercy bow-coop."]14:01
Niles
Hello, Frasier. [takes Frasier's wine glass] Oh, thank you. I just stopped by to return your book. [hands it over]14:13
Frasier
Oh yes, thank you, well don't let me keep you.14:16
Niles
Am I interrupting something?14:21
Frasier
As a matter of fact, I'm introducing a man to Daphne.14:23
Niles
Ah! Guess you don't want me around then. [walks in] How do you do? I'm Dr. Niles Crane.14:26
Tom
Hi, I'm Tom Duran.14:35
Daphne
[peeks out] Bird's all done. Now all I need is a pair of big strong arms to haul it out of the oven.14:35
Niles
Well, I certainly don't need to be asked twice.14:41
Tom
So, halfway through the interview her stomach starts rumbling. And her body mike's picking it up, but I have to ignore it. Because what am I going to say; "Would her majesty care for a Tums?"14:52
Daphne
I could listen to your stories all night. They're so funny.15:05
Niles
And all involving bodily functions.15:10
Daphne
Tom, I could use a little hand in the kitchen...15:18
Niles
No, no, sit Daphne, after all that cooking you must be... [looks down her frock] absolutely strapless.15:21
Tom
Er, Niles, can I speak with you for a moment?15:36
Niles
Yes. [slaps down silverware]15:38
Tom
I was wondering, did I do anything that offended you?15:40
Niles
No. [angrily throws pots into the sink]15:43
Tom
Oh. It must be all in my head, but I sensed that you had a problem with me dating Frasier.15:45
Niles
[turns round] Well, if you must know...15:51
Niles
I'm sorry, what was the question?16:02
Tom
[crosses his arms] Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?16:06
Niles
[graciously] No.16:13
Frasier
[entering] Now Niles, I didn't ask Tom to dinner so he could talk with you all night in the kitchen. There are others who would like to have a crack at him!16:17
Martin
That Tom's a great guy, huh? You think maybe him and Daphne...16:38
Tom
You know, I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful evening.16:46
Daphne
Oh no, we should be thanking you. I can't remember when I've laughed so hard.16:50
Daphne
You've still got Mr. Crane going.17:02
Frasier
Daphne, I think a little after dinner music would be appropriate.17:05
Daphne
Good idea. [she goes to the stereo]17:08
Frasier
She's, er, quite a woman, isn't she?17:13
Tom
[flatly:] Yes, she's really something, [suggestive:] Um, Frasier, I was wondering.17:15
Frasier
Yes?17:18
Tom
Do you think before the evening's over we could get a little one-on-one time?17:21
Frasier
Oh, I think I can arrange that.17:27
Frasier
Daphne!17:35
Daphne
Yes?17:36
Frasier
He says he wants to be alone with you!17:36
Daphne
No!17:36
Frasier
Yes!17:38
Daphne
This really is my lucky bra! Keep the wine flowing, I'll go fix my lipstick.17:38
Frasier
Okay.17:41
Martin
Yeah, I guess I'd better be hitting the old sack. Don't want to stand in the way of young romance! [hides a grin]17:43
Frasier
Thanks, dad.17:52
Martin
Goodnight, Tom.17:53
Tom
Goodnight, Martin.17:53
Frasier
And Niles, isn't it time you were running along too?17:57
Niles
Yes, I must be on my way. And, Frasier, I must apologise, I was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick.18:00
Frasier
Good.18:07
Niles
Goodnight Tom, nice to meet you.18:07
Tom
Goodnight.18:09
Niles
Frasier, a word in your ear?18:09
Niles
There's something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to but I won the coin toss.18:17
Frasier
Yes, what is it?18:26
Niles
Well, I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen and he told me he's interested in pursing a romantic relationship. But, the object of his affections is not Daphne.18:27
Frasier
Damn that Roz!18:35
Niles
No, no. It's you.18:38
Frasier
Me? That's impossible, Tom's not gay!18:44
Niles
He seems to be under that impression.18:48
Frasier
Well, what on earth could have made him think I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theatre and men's fashions... [clicks] Oh my God! Niles, do you realise what this means?18:53
Niles
Yes, you're dating your boss. You of all people should know the pitfalls of an office relationship.19:07
Frasier
Yes, but he... he just never mentioned the fact he...19:21
Niles
[in elevator:] I'll call you tomorrow. But not too early, of course. [the doors close on Niles's laugh]19:25
Tom
So...19:44
Frasier
So... God, I hate this song.19:47
Tom
You know, I've broken my rule for you. I usually don't date guys I work with.19:52
Frasier
Yes, well, I've sort of relaxed my rule for you too.19:58
Tom
You're cute when you're nervous.20:11
Frasier
I must be downright adorable now then. Listen Tom, I'm sorry, but we seem to have gotten our lines crossed here. The truth is I'm entirely straight.20:18
Tom
[puts on his glasses] Hey, if you're not interested just say so.20:35
Frasier
Oh no, it's true, I really am. I just invited you to dinner because you seemed so charming and you were so fond of the British, I thought you might be the perfect man for Daphne.20:38
Tom
I can't believe this. You really had no idea that I'm gay?20:49
Frasier
Don't take this wrong, but it never even occurred to me you might be gay.21:05
Tom
Well, it never even occurred to me that you might be straight.21:09
Frasier
[uncertain] Thank you. Geez, Tom, I feel just awful. Seems I've just been leading you on all night.21:14
Tom
[getting his coat] Oh, it's OK. It's an honest mistake.21:23
Frasier
Yes, but I've been pouring you drinks, building up your hopes, making you think you might have found a man sophisticated and sensitive enough to help you...21:26
Tom
[amused] Frasier, I'll learn to love again.21:32
Frasier
[chuckles] Yes, of course.21:35
Tom
You'll apologize to Daphne?21:37
Frasier
For the rest of my days.21:39
Tom
[starts to leave, then] Does this mean your dad's not gay either?21:42
Frasier
No, no, dad's not gay.21:47
Tom
[starts to leave again, then] But Niles - come on! [laughs]21:51
Frasier
[smiles] No, I'm afraid not.21:59
Tom
Huh... so wait a minute, this Maris guy he kept mentioning is a woman?21:59
Frasier
Well, the jury's still out on that one.22:05