Police Story
Aired 23rd April 1996 · Written by Sy Rosen · Directed by Phillip Charles Mackenzie
Roz
Faster, Frasier, faster! [throws her leg across and stamps the accelerator] You can make this light!0:09
Frasier
God, you're going to get us killed!0:13
Roz
I can't be late for this date!0:15
Frasier
Oh, this is ridiculous! First the drycleaner, then the ATM, now you're making me cart you off to some restaurant!0:19
Roz
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't plan for my car to be in the shop. But I really, really appreciate it, Frasier. [starts unbuttoning her shirt]0:25
Frasier
Oh, a basket of fruit would suffice!0:30
Roz
I am changing for my date! Don't look at me! Turn around! Turn all the way around!0:34
Frasier
I'm driving!0:39
Roz
Fine! [climbs into the backseat] Hand me my jeans, will you?0:39
Frasier
Here. [hands them to her, then checks the rearview] Oh, oh, great! There's a police car behind us. Please don't turn on the red light. Don't turn on the red light. Don't turn on the— 0:43
Roz
Damn it, Frasier! Don't worry, you're not going to get a ticket. You're a celebrity, use a little juice!0:55
Frasier
Oh, I refuse to do anything of the sort!1:05
Roz
OK, fine. Enjoy traffic school.1:05
Frasier
Hello, officer. I'm listening.1:13
Cop
I clocked you doing sixty-two in a forty-mile zone.1:20
Cop
Well, this is interesting. Usually both people are in the backseat.1:24
Frasier
It's not what you think. See, we were just coming back from KACL, where I do my radio show.1:27
Cop
Uh-huh.1:37
Frasier
You see, we ran a little late, because I was on with a very troubled caller, with a very complex psychological problem... on my radio show.1:39
Cop
Hey, wait a minute. You're Dr. Frasier Crane!1:50
Frasier
Drat! My cover is blown.1:53
Cop
I love your show! I listen to it all the time.1:57
Frasier
Oh well, thank you. It's always nice to—1:59
Cop
License and registration, please.2:01
Frasier
Be arrested by a fan.2:05
Frasier
Roz, if you could delay ablutions? I'm in custody here!2:10
Cop
Hey, it's your birthday today. [re: Roz] Is this a little celebration?2:15
Frasier
No, no, I'm simply taking my producer to meet her date.2:21
Roz
Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I'd have thrown you a party at the station!2:26
Frasier
Question asked, question answered. [to cop] I'm just going to be dropping her off, then have a cold plate of deli, and get to bed early. Almost makes you feel sorry for me, doesn't it?2:31
Cop
I spent my last birthday subduing a drunk-and-disorderly at a sleazy bar.2:46
Frasier
Don't you hate to work on your birthday?2:50
Cop
He was my date. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to let you off. [hands his license back] Just think of this as a little birthday gift from me.2:52
Frasier
Thank you.2:59
Cop
But slow down. I'd hate to see you get hurt.2:59
Frasier
I'm listening.3:06
Roz
OK, let's go!3:14
Frasier
Do you sense a little moment there?3:15
Roz
["Why are we not moving?!"] What are you talking about?!3:19
Frasier
Well, between me and that very attractive officer. It just felt like there was something there.3:20
Roz
Yeah, major sparks. Now, just the right pedal. The big pedal—3:26
Frasier
Now, just a minute. [adjusts the rearview] We'll see if she's watching me. If she's watching me, she's interested. Oh, yes! She's turning around, she's looking up!3:29
Cop
[over bullhorn] Move your vehicle!3:37
Frasier
Oh, yes. I've cast my spell.3:44
Daphne
Go on, Dr. Crane, make a wish.3:52
Frasier
[making evil eyes at Eddie] Oh, why bother? I made the same wish last year, it didn't come true.3:54
Martin
Come on, son, blow out the candles!4:03
Frasier
[dry, sarcastic] Oh, what a surprise. Look, they're lighting again! What sorcerer's magic is this? [cuts the cake] You know, Dad, I had a nice little birthday bonus today. On my way home, I was pulled over for speeding by a very pretty policewoman, who let me off. I got the distinct impression that she found me attractive. Now, that sort of thing happens, doesn't it?4:13
Martin
Oh, sure. I was always leaning against somebody's window thinking, "that bloody chainsaw in the backseat looks kind of iffy, but she's got a cute smile!"4:35
Frasier
Oh, ha, ha. I'm telling you, there was something there, though. Well, of course the whole conversation's academic. I don't even know her name. I suppose I could call down to the police station and try to find out who was on traffic duty. But, uh, I don't suppose they'd give that sort of information to a civilian. You'd have to have some... conduit to the police department, an insider who could break that damnable code of silence!4:45
Martin
All right, I'll make the damn call. [goes to the phone]5:12
Frasier
You, Dad? Why, I didn't even think of—5:16
Martin
Oh, shut up.5:16
Frasier
You know, I haven't felt such an instant attraction to a woman in quite some time. Well, considering the difference in our backgrounds, it's really rather puzzling.5:21
Niles
Oh, pish-tosh! It's painfully obvious what's attracting you — the gleam of her jackboots, her dangling nightstick, the glint of her handcuffs hanging on her leather belt. You're off on some lurid little disciplinary fantasy.5:29
Daphne
[notices] Oh, Dr. Crane, shame on you! You got icing up and down your sleeve!5:50
Niles
Oh. I am a naughty boy.5:54
Daphne
Well, certainly a messy one.6:00
Niles
But mainly a naughty one.6:02
Martin
[on phone] Hey, Charlie, yeah, Marty Crane, how ya doing? Hey, listen, Charlie, I'm trying to track down a woman officer who was on traffic tonight, uh, near...6:04
Frasier
Blanchett and Fourth.6:13
Martin
Blanchett and Fourth. Great, OK, thanks. [hangs up] Her name's Maureen Cutler, and she usually goes to McGinty's after work. Charlie said she's probably there now.6:16
Frasier
Thanks, Dad.6:23
Martin
Are you going to go?6:27
Frasier
Well, I don't know. A police bar? If I go in there alone, I'll stand out like a sore thumb!6:27
Niles
All right, I'll go.6:33
Martin
Sit down, Niles, I'll go with him. You know, after all these hoity-toity, caviar-sucking egghead types you've been dating, I think a lady cop would be a nice breath of fresh air.6:36
Frasier
Oh, all right, I'll go! Give me a second, I'll put some fresh collar-stays in, and-oh, oh, I've got a fabulous brand-new cashmere jacket I've been dying to premiere!6:48
Martin
Oh, yeah. This is gonna work.6:59
Martin
You see her yet?7:11
Frasier
I don't know.7:11
Martin
[pointing] What about her?7:15
Frasier
No, that's not Maureen.7:16
Martin
No, I mean, what about her?7:18
Frasier
Oh, there she is!7:23
Martin
Wow, she is a looker! Well, come on, let's go say hello.7:25
Frasier
Oh well! Oh my God, fancy seeing you here!7:31
Maureen
Hey, Frasier Crane.7:36
Frasier
Oh, you remember me?7:36
Maureen
Come on — sixty-two in a forty-mile zone with a half-naked girl in the backseat?7:39
Frasier
Roz.7:46
Martin
Oh.7:46
Frasier
Oh, uh, this is my father.7:49
Maureen
How do you do? I'm Maureen Cutler.7:51
Martin
[shaking hands] Marty Crane, nice to meet you.7:53
Maureen
Nice to meet you.7:53
Martin
Say, Maureen, how about a drink?7:56
Maureen
Yeah, why not?7:58
Frasier
Let me get them. I'm a beer drinker myself, what about you?7:58
Maureen
That's fine by me.8:01
Martin
Beer, huh? Oh, what the hell, I'll try one.8:01
Maureen
So, what brings you guys here? This is mostly a cop hangout.8:08
Martin
Well, I used to be on the force.8:11
Maureen
Really?8:13
Martin
Yeah.8:13
Maureen
Wait a minute. Marty Crane? You're Martin Crane!8:15
Martin
You're wasting your time in traffic, you're quite a detective. [laughs]8:20
Maureen
No, I mean I remember you when I was training. You gave this great lecture at the academy on how to deal with an armed suspect.8:24
Martin
Well, thanks.8:30
Maureen
How come you left the force?8:31
Martin
Well, I uh, got shot by an armed suspect. [laughs]8:33
Maureen
I'm sorry.8:39
Martin
Oh, it's all right.8:39
Maureen
So, do you miss it?8:41
Martin
Nah, how attached can you get to a hip?8:44
Maureen
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. [gets up] I have to get over to the hospital. I told them to beep me if there was any news about my sergeant.8:50
Martin
What happened to him?8:58
Maureen
She's having a baby.8:58
Martin
Oh well, hope it's a girl! Yeah, I'll tell Frasier you had to run.9:01
Maureen
Thanks... listen, um, I never do this, but I would love to have a beer or go to dinner sometime.9:04
Martin
[taken aback] With me?9:16
Maureen
I don't want to put you on the spot. [gives him her card] If you, uh, if you want to go out, just give me a call.9:16
Martin
With me?9:24
Maureen
You're the only one here.9:28
Frasier
Here we are! Three beers. Good news, there was a fly in one glass, so these are free!9:29
Maureen
I'm sorry, I just got beeped.9:35
Frasier
Oh, that's too bad.9:37
Maureen
Yeah, but it was nice to see you. Maybe I'll bump into you again here sometime.9:39
Frasier
Oh, that'd be great.9:43
Maureen
OK, bye.9:43
Frasier
Bye.9:45
Frasier
Well, I think that went very well, don't you?9:48
Niles
I'll have a grande half-caf latte, with a whisper of cinnamon. And for my father, plain coffee. I cannot emphasize the word "plain" enough. No foam, no cinnamon, no exotic flavors. If it is not plain, I take no responsibility for the consequences.9:57
Waitress
How about a biscotti?10:15
Niles
All right. But when you bring it, call it a cookie.10:18
Martin
Hi, son.10:25
Niles
Hello, Dad.10:25
Martin
Uh, I want to thank you for meeting me like this.10:27
Niles
Well, my pleasure. [they sit] So... what can I do you for?10:29
Martin
Well, I need some advice.10:37
Niles
That's why you asked me here?10:43
Martin
Yeah.10:43
Niles
You've never done this before!10:46
Martin
Yeah, well, I'm sorry. But anyway, you remember—10:46
Niles
Dad, I want you to know I'm not only deeply touched, but I consider this a watershed moment in our relationship!10:48
Martin
Great. See, the thing is—10:54
Niles
All my life, it seems you've always turned to Frasier. "Frasier, Frasier, Frasier!"10:54
Martin
Niles, can I talk?!10:58
Niles
I'm listening.11:01
Waitress
Here we are. One latte, one coffee, and one [looks at Niles] "cookie."11:04
Martin
I think they call this thing a biscotti.11:13
Niles
No need to talk down to the man. Off you go!11:17
Martin
Well, anyway, uh, you remember the other night, Frasier's policewoman?11:24
Niles
Mmm-hmm.11:28
Martin
Well, we found her at the bar, and, uh, well, she came on to me.11:29
Niles
No.11:36
Martin
Yeah.11:36
Niles
You?11:38
Martin
Yeah.11:38
Niles
Was she drunk? [Martin glares] Oh, I'm sorry, Dad, of course, you're right, I'm sorry. Uh, [barely able to contain his delight] what was Frasier's reaction?11:41
Martin
I haven't told him yet.11:50
Niles
Why not?11:50
Martin
I just can't.11:53
Niles
Can I?11:53
Martin
I know he's going to feel lousy. He finally meets a girl he likes, and she's attracted to his old man.11:57
Niles
Hmm, that is quite a conundrum. I wonder if that's what's really bothering you.12:04
Martin
What do you mean?12:09
Niles
Maybe, underneath it all, you're attracted to this woman and you want to go out with her.12:12
Martin
Oh, are you, nuts? That's sick! That's disgusting!12:15
Martin
But for the sake of argument, let's say you're right.12:21
Niles
Dad, you're allowed to be attracted to a woman.12:25
Martin
What kind of a father does a thing like that?12:27
Niles
Did you encourage her in any way?12:31
Martin
Well, I guess I was kind of charming. I mean, I didn't mean to be! It just sometimes leaks out.12:34
Niles
Well, what do you want to do?12:41
Martin
Well, most important I don't want to hurt Frasier. And secondly, I want to go out with Maureen. The order of that changes depending on the time of day.12:44
Niles
Well, one possibility is, go on a date with her. If you feel there are sparks between you and this woman, then tell Frasier.12:55
Martin
I don't want to lie to my son.13:03
Niles
You're not lying to him. You're delaying the truth to spare his feelings. If nothing happens, he need never know.13:03
Martin
Well, I guess it's worth a try. If Maureen and I hit it off, then I'll tell him immediately.13:10
Niles
Or I can. Really, I don't mind!13:17
Frasier
Hi, Dad.13:32
Martin
Oh, Frasier! You're still home.13:34
Frasier
Yeah. Where are you going?13:36
Martin
Just out.13:39
Frasier
What are you gonna do?13:43
Martin
Nothing.13:45
Frasier
When are you gonna be home?13:48
Martin
Later.13:51
Frasier
Well, you put a dent in the car, young man, it's coming out of your allowance!13:53
Charlotte
I mean, I've got my pride, you know. So, I said to her, I said, "Mrs. Crease, I'll do the cooking, I'll do the cleaning, but I draw the line at creaming your feet!"14:08
Charlotte
Dear, hurry up! "The Mambo Kings" is about to start!14:17
Daphne
Oh, I wouldn't mind mamboing with Antonio Banderas! All right, set out the goodies and I'll go get the wine.14:20
Daphne
Oh, and this time, Charlotte, be careful with that chocolate! I had a hell of a time hiding the stain from His Nibs— [runs headlong into Frasier] Oh, hello, Dr. Crane!14:27
Frasier
Daphne. Charlotte, Maggie.14:36
Charlotte/Maggie
Dr. Crane.14:39
Frasier
Please, sit down. [they do]14:39
Daphne
I thought you were filling in at the station tonight.14:41
Frasier
Oh, I am. But, uh, not for a couple of hours yet.14:43
Daphne
Oh-ho, seems a shame to hang around here. I mean, I would have thought you'd have taken an opportunity like this to, I don't know... go down to McGinty's?14:52
Charlotte
Oh, to see his new lady friend, you mean?15:04
Frasier
Ah, well, I see I've been quite the hot topic over the teapot.15:07
Daphne
You know, I may have said a thing or two in passing, but—15:12
Charlotte
I'd go for it, Dr. Crane!15:15
Frasier
Yes, well, if you must know, I was planning to go down there, but not for a couple of days yet.15:16
Charlotte
Well, I wouldn't wait too long. I mean, strike while the iron's hot, that's what I always say!15:21
Daphne
She's right.15:25
Frasier
Well, women don't really like men that are too overeager.15:27
Daphne
Oh, nonsense. I mean, you know, it's one thing if the man's some bounder git from the docks, but it's different if the man's like you.15:30
Maggie
Someone who's charming.15:38
Charlotte
And handsome.15:38
Daphne
And knows lots and lots of words.15:40
Frasier
Well, McGinty's is on my way to the station. I suppose I could just pop my head in. [picks up his briefcase and goes to the door] Thank you, ladies, for your support — even if it was nakedly self-serving and insincere.15:57
Maureen
So, they finally put my transfer through, and I'm moving out of Traffic and into Narcotics. Yeah, I'm gonna be working with, uh, Bill Henderson at the 31st.16:15
Martin
Good for you.16:23
Maureen
Yeah, I'm excited, although I hear he can be pretty tough.16:24
Martin
Oh no. I mean, he might seem a little stiff and strait-laced, but once you get to know him he's the greatest guy in the world.16:27
Maureen
Yeah, he is pretty impressive.16:34
Martin
Oh yeah, smart, great sense of humor. No, you're gonna have a great time.16:34
Frasier
Dad, I can't believe you're doing this!16:41
Maureen
Frasier!16:44
Martin
Look, I was gonna tell you—16:44
Frasier
[to Maureen] Believe me, I did not put him up to this, though I think he's overselling me a little. I'm not the greatest guy in the world. Seattle, maybe.16:46
Maureen
Am I missing something?16:56
Frasier
Oh, I'm just joking. OK, Dad, thanks for warming her up for me. I can take over here.16:56
Maureen
Martin?17:02
Martin
Frasier... Maureen and I are here on a date.17:10
Frasier
I know you might think this is one of those wildly embarrassing moments where I'm standing here with egg on my face. I assure you, I'm not as embarrassed as you might assume I would be embarrassed. I'm not uncomfortable, so please, don't you be uncomfortable either.17:32
Maureen
[getting up] Why don't I give you two a moment?17:51
Frasier
Whatever!17:51
Frasier
You asked her out?!17:57
Martin
No, that's not the way it happened.17:57
Frasier
There's no use lying to me. I am at the lowest point I could possibly be, so please just tell me the truth!18:01
Martin
Maureen asked me out.18:06
Frasier
Going down!18:07
Martin
It happened the other night when you went to the bar to get drinks. You know, it just caught me off guard, I didn't know how to handle it. So, Niles said I should—18:13
Frasier
Niles? Niles knows?18:21
Martin
Look, I'm sorry. It was supposed to be a one-time thing, just to see if there was something there, and if there wasn't, then you didn't even need to know about it.18:22
Frasier
Well, is there? "Something there?"18:32
Martin
Oh, yeah.18:35
Frasier
Well... it's not as if we were standing side-by-side when she chose you. I was at the bar! If you'd gone to get the drinks, things would have been different.18:38
Martin
I don't think so.18:47
Frasier
Dad, I'm drowning here. Please, throw me a line!18:49
Martin
Look, uh, I'm gonna go tell her this whole thing is a mistake—18:52
Frasier
No, no, no, Dad! I'll be OK, really. Well... the old dog's still got it in him, huh?18:55
Martin
Yeah. But, really, how long can it last? I mean, she's got to come to her senses eventually—19:06
Frasier
Oh no, Dad, Dad, don't sell yourself short. You've got a lot to offer. Well, I'd better head off to work. Goodnight, Dad.19:13
Martin
Goodnight, thanks.19:23
Frasier
Damn!19:30
Roz
Uh-uh, OK, thanks. [hangs up] Frasier just came in the building, so everybody hide and be quiet.19:37
Betty
Do you think he'll be surprised?19:43
Roz
Considering his birthday was yesterday? Yeah, I do, Elizabeth.19:45
Betty
Should we yell "surprise" or "happy birthday?"19:49
Roz
We've done this like five hundred times. And every time it's pretty much the same. We yell, the person pretends to be surprised, and we stuff ourselves with cake.19:52
Betty
I just wanted it to be perfect.20:00
Roz
And that is what makes you so special to us. Now get under the console!20:02
Roz
Hi, Frasier! [he grunts] How you doing?20:15
Frasier
Oh, just wonderful. Forty-three is off to a rousing start. Remember that policewoman I was interested in?20:16
Roz
Yeah?20:24
Frasier
Well, she's dating my father!20:24
Roz
Your father?20:29
Frasier
Mmm-hmm!20:30
Roz
Well, never mind that. I know just what will take your mind off of it. I've got something really funny in my booth.20:31
Frasier
I spent the last hour wandering the streets, trying to take assessment of my life. Do you know how long it's been since I've slept with a woman? Seven months!20:35
Roz
Frasier—20:42
Frasier
All right, nine months!20:43
Roz
I really don't think we should talk about that right now!20:47
Frasier
Oh sure, fine, you can't spare me five minutes to talk about my problems, when every day I drop what I'm doing to be your personal Wailing Wall. "Frasier, he stopped calling me." "Frasier, he wants his key back." "Frasier, his girlfriend is having me followed!"20:49
Roz
I'm sorry.21:04
Roz
So nine months, huh?21:08
Frasier
Nine long, long, months.21:10
Roz
Oh...21:14
Frasier
You know who that woman was?21:14
Roz
Who?21:14
Frasier
Edna, from Accounting.21:16
Roz
No...21:16
Frasier
The next day, she dumped me! I tell you, Roz, I'm starting to feel nostalgic for that summer in my twenties when I was impotent!21:20
Frasier
The only comfort I have now is knowing that my humiliation can't possibly get any worse!21:28
Staffers
[jumping up] SURPRISE!21:33
Frasier
Hi, Edna.21:42