The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl
Aired 21st November 1995 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by Philip
Niles
Frasier!0:42
Frasier
Damn, I didn't think you'd be here...0:42
Niles
Well, I would've gone to my regular haunt, but "The Pig 'N Swig" is closed for remodelling.0:46
Frasier
I'm sorry, Niles, it's just... I'm meeting Kate here. We want to discuss the little dilemma in which we find ourselves.0:50
Niles
If you're talking about the little kiss you two shared, that hardly constitutes a dilemma. It's not as if you plunged into a tawdry office affair.0:56
Frasier
No.1:02
Niles
Then you'd have a real problem.1:02
Frasier
Yes.1:05
Niles
A kiss? It's nothing.1:05
Frasier
[looking somewhat uncomfortable] Right.1:08
Niles
Had sex with her, didn't you?1:08
Frasier
I didn't mean to! It just... happened! One minute we were negotiating, the next minute our inhibitions were shattered, along with my kneecap and her Macintosh PowerBook.1:12
Niles
[surprised] This happened in her office?1:24
Frasier
Yes.1:26
Niles
What are you saying? Her couch folds out?1:26
Frasier
We used her desk.1:30
Niles
Her desk folds out?!1:33
Frasier
[to Niles, anxious] There she is! Look, look, just make an excuse and go, okay? [stands up]1:36
Niles
Alright, okay. [to Kate] Ah, Miss Costas. [stands up]1:38
Kate
Dr. Crane.1:40
Niles
[glances at his watch] Oh, look at the time! I, er, have a session with my multiple personality.1:40
Frasier
Ah.1:44
Niles
Well, not to worry. If I'm late he can just talk amongst himself. [laughs]1:46
Kate
So... good morning.1:51
Frasier
Good morning.1:53
Kate
How's your knee?1:55
Frasier
Ah. Well er, it's better, thanks.1:56
Frasier
And... and your laptop? [off her confused look] I refer to your computer.1:56
Kate
A little dented, but fine. [smiles] The computer.2:05
Frasier
Ah. Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that, well, last night was one of the greatest nights of lovemaking I've had since... Roz!2:10
Kate
Tell me she just walked in.2:18
Roz
Well, hi! Guess you guys kissed and made up, huh?2:21
Frasier
[laughs] Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. We were just discussing the step system in a new healthcare plans co- payment scheme and... well, it wouldn't interest you.2:26
Roz
Oh, the hell it wouldn't! [sits at their table] You know they're too cheap to pay for a butt-lift? I sit on this thing all day long, that's work-related!2:35
Kate
Listen, I really have to go, but I would like to discuss this matter at the first possible opportunity.2:45
Frasier
So would I.2:50
Kate
[turns to leave, but stops] Oh, oh, oh, oh, I almost forgot. I need you two to fill in the eight-to-ten slot tonight. Floyd, the Happy Chef, is in rehab again.2:52
Frasier
Ah.3:00
Roz
[fed up] Oh, great! I was supposed to have dinner with a successful, handsome doctor! [Frasier sits down again] She thinks we're all as happy to work all night as she is.3:02
Frasier
Mmm.3:10
Roz
Well, you're a psychiatrist, Frasier. She's a cold, repressed workaholic who has no sex life whatsoever. Can't you help her?3:10
Frasier
[deadpan] I've tried, Roz.3:20
Frasier
[annoyed] Why do we bother having a service elevator? I just rode up nineteen floors with two sweaty moving men munching on chili-dogs which they proceeded to drip onto my suede shoes. [looks down and points] How will I ever get that stain out?3:30
Frasier
Ah, yes. Dog saliva! Nature's miracle solvent. [hangs up his coat] So who's moving out anyway?3:49
Daphne
Deirdre Sauvage, the one who writes the romance novels.4:01
Martin
Yeah, the lost Gabor sister's finally outta here.4:03
Daphne
Well, she's a very sweet person and I'm going to miss her.4:07
Martin
Well, you're not the one she's always undressing with her eyes. She lured me into her apartment one time, supposedly to fix a lamp. Next thing I know, I got a drink in my hand and she's reading me a dirty poem about meadow walks.4:10
Frasier
Well, I must admit she's never done that to me.4:23
Martin
Yeah well, if she does, don't fake a charley horse to get outta there. She'll just try to rub it!4:25
Daphne
Speaking of romance, Dr. Crane... when I washed your shirt this morning, I couldn't help noticing lipstick in the oddest places. I'll take it negotiations went well last night...?4:34
Frasier
I'd rather not discuss it, thank you.4:46
Martin
Why, is there a problem?4:46
Frasier
Things between me and Kate just went a little faster than I intended.4:49
Daphne
I'll say! There were also four buttons missing, and teeth- marks in the shoulders!4:52
Frasier
Thank you, Inspector Moon! Things got a little out of hand. I think we should slow down a bit but er, I'm afraid to tell her for fear of hurting her feelings. Daphne, how about a woman's perspective? Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a, a night of passion...4:57
Daphne
What, you and me? [laughs]5:18
Frasier
Yes...5:19
Daphne
What - bosoms heaving, shirt buttons catapulting through the air?5:21
Frasier
It's a hypothetical question!5:24
Daphne
I'll say it is! [laughs again]5:26
Frasier
Oh, alright, somebody else! Alright? So, you have a, a mad tryst with this young man, and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast; he'd like to slow down. What would you say?5:28
Daphne
I suppose I'd say, "Thanks for being honest. You're probably right, we were moving too fast." [suddenly bitter] "Not that it was too fast for you last night. Ohh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we?" [seemingly in her own world] "But, now you've had your fun - though not too much, apparently — and you want to be my friend. Well you can just sod off, Trevor Mulgrew!!!"5:40
Daphne
[shaky] You know, I think I might have some buttons for this shirt...6:04
Frasier
You see, dad - the whole thing's a minefield.6:09
Martin
Ah, you'll never learn, will you? Handling a woman's easy!6:11
Martin
You know, you kill me. Mister Psychiatrist, you've always gotta make everything so complicated. A woman comes on too strong, you just tell her to cool her engines! It's the easiest thing in the world.6:16
Frasier
[opens the door] Oh, Deirdre!6:24
Frasier
I understand you're leaving us.6:28
Deirdre
[British accent] Alas, yes!6:28
Frasier
Oh, do come in!6:30
Deirdre
Thank you.6:30
Deirdre
[excited] Ohhh hello, Martin!6:33
Deirdre
You've been so kind to me - I wanted to give you my new address.6:39
Martin
Oh, great! I'd hate to lose touch!6:42
Deirdre
I also wanted to bring you a farewell gift: my latest novel, "Foolish Escapade." It's the long-awaited sequel to "The Rose and the Rapier."6:45
Martin
Swell!6:56
Deirdre
[starts to stroke Martin's arm, flirtatiously] I was er, thinking of you when I created the character of Lorenzo, the lovesick gondolier...6:58
Martin
[laughs] How 'bout that? Hah! Hey, where are my manners? Let me show you out!7:07
Deirdre
Oh, by the way, the lock on my suitcase is jammed. I was er, hoping that you'd come and... [strokes Martin's face, very flirtatiously] tinker with it?7:14
Martin
Oh gee, you know, I'd love to, Deirdre. But I, I promised Frasier I'd do something with him tonight.7:21
Frasier
Oh oh, dad, didn't I mention it? I'm filling in for The Happy Chef tonight...7:27
Frasier
...so, you're all hers!7:29
Deirdre
[thrilled] Oh, marvelous!7:34
Frasier
Goodnight, Lorenzo.7:39
Frasier
Hello, Polly. How can I help you?7:43
Polly
[v.o.] Oh, I'm so glad I got through! I'm sitting here not knowing what to do. I find myself lacking a certain spice.7:45
Frasier
Well Polly, if you want to shake up your routine, why don't you er, try something new and dangerous? Er, skydiving, belly-dancing, perhaps? That ought to add some spice.7:52
Polly
What are you talking about?! I'm making an apple tart and I'm out of cinnamon!8:04
Frasier
I see. [disconnects her] Listeners, for the fourth time this hour, I am NOT The Happy Chef. I am The Irritated Psychiatrist, Dr. Frasier Crane! We'll be right back after the news.8:13
Frasier
And while we're on the subject of tarts...8:36
Roz
I'm really sorry about that call.8:40
Frasier
No, it's alright, Roz. Why don't you just run along for your date? I can handle the last ten minutes here.8:40
Roz
Are you sure?8:47
Frasier
Sure!8:47
Roz
I mean, I feel terrible leaving you here alone in the lurch. [whisks her coat off the back of her chair and rushes to the door] We are a team, Frasier; you just say the word and I'll stay... [shouts] Hey, hold that elevator!8:48
Kate
Got a minute?9:02
Frasier
Oh, yes. Er, look, I, I'm glad you're still here. [closes the door to the booth] Er, listen...9:02
Kate
No-no-no, me first this time.9:07
Frasier
Okay.9:10
Kate
[clears throat] I really think that we should slow things down.9:12
Frasier
[relieved] Oh, I am so glad you said that! I wanted to say the same thing but I was, I was afraid that you'd feel I was rejecting you!9:15
Kate
Oh, how sensitive. And yet, at the same time, how full of yourself.9:22
Frasier
[amused] You are one tough nut, lady.9:33
Kate
[relaxed] Well, all this definitely shows we're doing the right thing.9:37
Frasier
Agreed. Frankly, now that we've got that settled, do you mind if I ask you a question about last night?9:39
Kate
Yeah.9:44
Frasier
What the hell was that?!9:44
Kate
I have no idea! I... ever since I've gotten here, you have done nothing but irritate me like a persistent skin rash.9:46
Frasier
Yes, and you me! And, and, and last night was no different. You just kept talking and talking and talking, and I guess that mouth of yours just ticked me off so much I just had to have it!9:54
Kate
The whole thing... it's just, it's so primitive!10:04
Frasier
Yeah, yeah, animal! We were just functioning on instinct.10:07
Kate
It's fascinating, really.10:10
Frasier
Oh, oh, let's not dismiss the element of danger - all those people outside that could have walked in any moment and caught us.10:11
Kate
That crossed my mind...10:17
Frasier
For once, in my cautious, buttoned-down life, I felt like a real bad boy.10:19
Kate
[sheepish] I felt like a...dirty girl.10:26
Frasier
[intrigued] What did you just call yourself?10:30
Kate
[unashamed] I said "dirty girl."10:30
Kate
[flirtatious] You bad boy. [grins excitedly]10:37
Frasier
[aroused and mock-disapproving] You dirty girl.10:40
Kate
[sexily] You bad boy!10:44
Frasier
Dirty girl!10:46
Kate
[whispers] Bad boy...!!10:48
Frasier
[excited] Dirty girl...!!10:50
Kate
[urgent] How much time do we have left on the news?11:01
Frasier
Three minutes. [kisses her]11:03
Kate
Right... [kisses him]11:05
Frasier
But that's alright, I can play lots of extra commercials! [kisses her]11:03
Kate
Oh good, [kisses him] good!11:05
Newscast
[on radio:] In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of accepting bribes from a waste treatment facility. Asked to comment, the congressman said-11:06
Frasier
[cuts in suddenly; orgasmic] Yes! YES!!! I am a bad boy, aren't I, you dirty girl! Come to your bad boy!11:12
Frasier
[on radio:] Oh, yes... Oh, no! Is that the on-air light?11:22
Kate
[on radio, whispering:] Stop talking.11:24
Frasier
You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were...11:27
Kate
[more urgent] Stop talking!11:29
Frasier
We'd better hurry up and get dressed while we still...11:29
Niles
[stares at the radio] Stop talking!11:32
Roz
[triumphant] Okay, Fabio, I want two things. One: you will never make another crack about my sex life. I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp.11:51
Frasier
Done.12:05
Roz
And two: who's Dirty Girl? [smiles]12:05
Frasier
I can't tell you that.12:10
Roz
Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul!12:12
Roz
Yes? [turns away from Frasier, lowers voice:] Not yet, I'll call you back.12:17
Bulldog
Doc, I got one thing to say to you...12:23
Frasier
Go ahead, take your best shot.12:26
Bulldog
[in genuine admiration] I am so proud of you, man.12:29
Frasier
Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.12:34
Bulldog
Now come on, you gotta tell me - who's the mystery chick?12:38
Frasier
Bulldog, haven't you already seen? [points to the newspapers] I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.12:42
Roz
[holds up a newspaper] Yeah, don't you see this right here? "'I Won't Fink,' Says Kinky Shrink."12:47
Kate
Good afternoon, Dr Crane.12:56
Frasier
Miss Costas.12:57
Bulldog
Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his playmate was.12:57
Kate
Bulldog, this is really none of your business.13:02
Bulldog
Oh, but we got a pool going. So far, hot money's on Roz.13:04
Roz
What?! Oh, well, thank you, but I think I have a little more self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the air! What kind of slut do they think I am?13:08
Kate
[extremely uncomfortable] Dr. Crane, could I have a word with you in private?13:22
Frasier
Er, I-I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.13:25
Kate
Actually you don't.13:28
Frasier
What?13:28
Kate
I'm suspending you for a week. [to Bulldog] Bulldog, you're going on. [to Roz] Roz, you'll have to produce.13:30
Bulldog
Alright!13:35
Frasier
I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things considered.13:41
Kate
Yes, I can see how you might feel that way. But the station does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce them. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of last night's sponsors - The Wholesome Family Cookie Company.13:45
Martin
Hey! Turn those lights out!14:06
Frasier
Why?14:09
Martin
Deirdre hasn't finished moving yet. If she sees the light in here, she'll know I'm home! You can see your living room from her bedroom.14:09
Frasier
Her bedroom...?14:19
Martin
She had me cornered in there yesterday. I don't mind telling you, I haven't been that scared since Korea.14:20
Frasier
Don't worry, dad. Look, I have no intention of letting anyone in here tonight. There's a damn tabloid news crew down in the lobby. I had to go in the back way and use the service elevator. [hangs up his coat]14:29
Martin
Say, I tuned in to your show tonight. Why weren't you on it?14:40
Frasier
[sulky] If you must know, I've been suspended for a week.14:45
Martin
Oh, no.14:47
Frasier
[depressed] I spent the last three hours at the observation deck of the Space Needle, looking down on a city that's looking down on me.14:49
Daphne
Hello, Dr Crane.14:58
Frasier
Daphne.14:58
Frasier
I'm not here.15:01
Daphne
Yes. Your father's not here either. It's so nice having the whole house to myself.15:01
Niles
Daphne.15:11
Daphne
Oh, how lovely. Now the whole family's not here.15:11
Niles
I listened to your programme as I was driving home last night. [holds up two pieces of paper] Here's a bill to replace the front wheel of my Mercedes, and the second to replace the back bumper of some wretched little domestic car.15:17
Martin
Go easy on your brother, Niles - he's had a rough day.15:29
Niles
You're right, dad. [sits on the couch; sympathetic] Er, Frasier, please accept my apologies. I, I can imagine how trying this must have been for you.15:32
Frasier
Thanks, Niles.15:39
Niles
[unsympathetic again] 'Course, it's been no picnic for those of us who share your name. My Maris took it particularly hard. When I left this morning, she was ordering new stationery with an accent aigu over the "e" in our name. Hereafter, her memos will read, "From the desk of Maris Crané." [pronounces it, "Crah-nay."]15:40
Daphne
Who is it?16:07
Kate
[outside] Kate Costas.16:07
Frasier
Wait, wait! Alright, all of you. You know nothing about last night!16:09
Daphne
Hello!16:16
Kate
Hello.16:17
Daphne
Come in!16:16
Frasier
Hello, Kate. [gestures at Niles] Er, you know Niles, of course. [gestures at Martin] Er, this is my...16:16
Kate
[to Martin] Hello.16:22
Frasier
...father, Martin...16:20
Martin
Hi!16:22
Frasier
...and er, [points at Daphne] his healthcare worker. Daphne, Kate Costas.16:22
Daphne
Nice to meet you.16:24
Kate
I'm sorry if I'm coming at a bad time.16:27
Martin
Oh no, no, I, I - we were just taking Eddie for a walk. [heads towards the door]16:29
Daphne
Yeah. [calls to Eddie] Eddie!16:31
Niles
I have to be running along too.16:31
Daphne
[to Eddie] Oh, what's that on your chin? Have you been in the garbage again? [turns to leave] You Bad Boy!16:35
Kate
So... nice place. [goes towards the balcony] Whoa, what a view!16:53
Frasier
[bitter] Yes. I'll be enjoying it during my suspension.16:56
Kate
Well... I guess that concludes the small-talk portion of our evening. Look, it must be obvious; I've come here to apologise.17:04
Frasier
Oh, really - for what? Turning on me when I went out of my way to protect you? You know we're both responsible for this. Yet I end up looking like an idiot and you look like a no- nonsense boss!17:12
Kate
Alright, alright, just tell me what I can do to make this right.17:22
Frasier
[sulky] Nothing! There is nothing you can do, there is nothing you can say, to make this up to me.17:24
Kate
[no-nonsense] The owners wanted you fired.17:29
Frasier
[beat] That's pretty good!17:31
Kate
Look, there's no way we can rewrite the past. It happened, we did it, it's on tape. But we can do this: we can prevent it from ever happening again.17:34
Frasier
Agreed. Obviously, there's some kind of incredible attraction between us. The trick will be simply to avoid the opportunity. We're strong, we're intelligent... and we're alone in this apartment.17:44
Kate
[anxious] I'll get my bag!17:59
Frasier
Yes...17:59
Frasier
Oh Kate, Kate, er, that news crew's probably still in the lobby.18:03
Kate
Oh, right!18:06
Frasier
Let me walk you to the service elevator and see you out.18:06
Kate
[to the moving-man] Going down?18:12
Man
No, you guys go ahead. Just send it back up!18:12
Frasier
Yes... well, I'm sure if we really try, we can keep things on a professional footing.18:20
Kate
We're two mature adults.18:25
Frasier
Just have to avoid all undue temptation.18:27
Frasier
What's going on?18:34
Kate
I don't know. [calls out] Hello?18:34
Frasier
You know, let's have a little light.18:36
Kate
[calls out] Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me?18:41
Man
Hello?18:45
Kate
Yeah! What's going on?18:45
Man
Looks like you're stuck. Same thing happened this morning. Took about half an hour to fix. You two guys gonna be okay?18:48
Kate
Yeah, yeah, we're fine. We're adults. [a little nervous] We're mature adults!18:55
Frasier
Ow!19:01
Frasier
It's getting sort of hot in here, isn't it?19:18
Kate
[nervous] Yeah. It's a bit - it's a bit hot.19:20
Frasier
You don't mind if I take off my jacket, do you?19:22
Kate
[steadfast] Makes no difference to me.19:22
Frasier
Well. Looks like we're gonna be here for a little while - may as well try to make ourselves comfortable.19:31
Frasier
Maybe there are some chairs in here.19:39
Frasier
Ah, here we are! I'll just have to move this down along...19:42
Kate
What's that?19:50
Frasier
I must have knocked open a music box in here somewhere.19:52
Kate
[irritable] I'm not really in the mood for music. Could you stop that, please?19:58
Frasier
Yes, yes, I'll try.20:00
Kate
God, it's hot in here!20:04
Kate
What's that smell?20:08
Frasier
I seem to have broken a bottle of something... [realizes, gazes at her, worried] Musk oil...!20:08
Frasier
[desperate] Oh, oh, where is that damn music box? [rifles through another drawer] Here it is! [picks it up and turns it off]20:18
Kate
I really think that it would be a very good thing if you just did something about that musk oil...20:24
Frasier
Ah, yes, alright, er, how about... Oh, I know, hand me that drop-cloth there and maybe I can just smother it.20:29
Kate
[very tense] Who lives in this building?!20:41
Frasier
You know er, I think we can just forego the musk oil right now. Why don't you just cover, cover that back up.20:45
Kate
No no no no no, not gonna touch this thing again. [brushes herself off] Look at me, I'm all dirty.20:50
Kate
Ooh, stop - stop - stop!21:00
Frasier
You're right!21:03
Frasier
We have gazed into the gaping maw of temptation, and survived!21:12
Frasier
My God, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of us! [laughs]21:19
Kate
[laughs] I am, too! God!21:23
Frasier
[relaxed] Ah...21:24
Kate
Of course, the cable could break.21:29
Frasier
[tense again] And we'd be kicking ourselves all the way down...21:34
Kate
You are so right!21:37
Kate
[with businesslike impersonality] Goodnight, Dr Crane.22:01
Frasier
[same] Miss Costas.22:03