Good Grief
Aired 24th September 1998 · Written by Christopher Lloyd · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Frasier
Before we begin, I'd like to say how honoured I am to be taking over this slot. Obviously, I have some rather big shoes to fill - my predecessor here was much beloved. But I have never been one to shrink from a challenge and I'm sure we'll enjoy many happy years here together in my new home. Now, today on "Medical Minute"...0:09
Frasier
We're going to be tackling the sticky subject of...0:33
Director
Dr. Crane, great audition.0:36
Frasier
Really? That's all you need?0:38
Director
I think we have a good idea what you're all about.0:40
Frasier
Excellent.0:43
Director
Er, we'll be in touch.0:44
Frasier
I'm sure you will.0:44
Director
Next, please!0:48
Frasier
Oh, formalities? Yes, I understand. You know, perhaps I'll just take a walk around the station. Check out the dressing rooms, introduce myself to a few people. Say, you know, is there a sign-up list for the softball team? I'm sure that Frasier "Slugger" Crane's gonna be an asset to this station in more ways than one!0:50
Martin
Morning, Frasier.1:15
Frasier
Oh, good morning, Dad.1:16
Martin
A little early for the piano, isn't it?1:18
Frasier
Yes, I'm sorry about that. You know I woke up this morning thinking about that operetta I've been writing. You know, the one about Robert and Elizabeth Browning. I think, well, I had to get right to it.1:18
Martin
Well, that's what you get living in a big city: If it's not the horns waking you up it's someone writing an operetta about the Brownings.1:28
Frasier
Well, you know, I'm pretty sure I've solved the problem.1:35
Martin
Good for you, Frasier.1:38
Frasier
But you know, I'd have to hear it to be sure.1:38
Martin
I'll bet that.1:40
Frasier
Oh come on, Dad, it'll only take a minute, I just want to do this one section.1:41
Martin
Oh, all right, but I'm not doing the accent!1:46
Frasier
Come on. All right, we'll take it right here.1:52
Martin
Fine.1:55
Frasier
What is it that you feel...1:56
Martin
Love?1:58
Frasier
That fear which you conceal...2:00
Martin
Love?2:02
Frasier
That powers that you heal...2:04
Martin
Love?2:05
Frasier
Reveeeall. Take me in your arms...2:10
Frasier
Well, I'll just have to sing it with Niles later.2:13
Martin
Oh, that'll cheer me up. [Walks to table and picks up sketches]2:13
Frasier
Dad, be careful with those sketches.2:16
Martin
Sketches?2:18
Frasier
Yes well, you know I've been telling you that I'm redecorating the apartment, I thought why not just design my own furniture?2:19
Martin
Boy, Frasier, you know you've been taking on a lot of big projects lately.2:24
Frasier
Yes well, any minute now that phone will ring with another job offer, and this blessed little hiatus will be over. I want to have achieved as many of my life's ambitions as possible. Gee, frankly Dad, you should take up a project or two.2:27
Martin
Me? What are you talking about? I'm doing stuff all the time. Why, just this weekend I taught Eddie a great new trick.2:39
Frasier
Really?2:45
Martin
Yeah, come on, I'll show you. [Walks over to Eddie by chair. Eddie jumps down, Martin kneels]2:45
Martin
It starts out that I point a gun at him.2:47
Frasier
I like it so far.2:50
Martin
Then I say "Freeze punk, it's all over."2:53
Martin
It's all over! [no response] Oh come on Eddie, you're supposed to go like this. [Martin rolls over on back]3:00
Frasier
Now all we have to do is teach Eddie to say "It's all over."3:08
Daphne
Can someone help me here?3:12
Martin
What is all that?3:12
Daphne
Some books Dr. Crane sent for me to get from storage.3:15
Frasier
Yes, it's research I'm doing for a novel I'm planning. Gee Daphne, I was beginning to wonder what was taking you so long.3:17
Daphne
Well, excuse me. But I did have to move 3 crates, a rowing machine and a cast-iron bath tub out of the way first.3:23
Frasier
Oh, look at that. The only book I really wanted was on the shelf already. You'll have to take these back down. [Bell rings from kitchen]3:30
Frasier
Oh my God, that's my duck! Thank you, Daphne. When you're done with that, I need you to run some errands for me. I need a very sturdy lemon-zester, some more music paper, some potting soil and an easel.3:36
Daphne
I'd be happy to.3:47
Daphne
[muttering] And then maybe after that I could draw a bath, strip you naked and scrub you with a loofah. Would that be all right, Dr. Crane?3:49
Niles
Yes.3:53
Daphne
I didn't even see you standing there. [Daphne exits]3:57
Martin
[Gets up from chair] Hey Niles, can I talk to you about something?4:00
Niles
Yeah, just one second, Dad.4:00
Niles
OK.4:04
Martin
Well, it's about Frasier. Ever since he got fired, he's been so weird. All these projects he's got going...4:12
Niles
Yep, don't worry, it's normal. He's simply in a state of denial. [Sits on arm of chair and begins to tie shoelace.]4:17
Martin
Denial about what?4:20
Niles
About getting fired. People like Frasier's whole identities revolve around their job. The loss of the job is like a... is like a death. And they cope with it in the same way they would cope with a death, by going through a series of stages. First one's denial; usually that's followed by anger; then, er...4:20
Frasier
[Comes out from kitchen, and calls loudly] I've done it! Escoffier's most difficult dish done to tangy perfection! You know, sometimes I think I missed my calling by not becoming a gourmet chef. [Exits back to kitchen]4:36
Niles
See we're still in stage one.4:45
Frasier
[From kitchen] Hello, Niles.4:45
Niles
Hey Frasier, you ready for our squash date? [Frasier exits kitchen]4:48
Frasier
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, I'm going to have to cancel - I've been cooking all morning.4:50
Niles
Oh, what for?4:54
Frasier
Well, actually I'm holding a little picnic for the KACL employees and their families. As you may recall I did get them all fired. [Frasier laughs] So I was just hoping to make amends by serving up a little duck a l'orange and an al fresco mea culpa!4:54
Martin
You know, people like chips at a picnic too.5:08
Frasier
Hello? Ah, yes, Bebe. Yes, yes. Oh yes, the television job. Oh, what a relief. Thank you, bye-bye. [Hangs up]5:12
Martin
[excited] You got it?5:24
Frasier
No, thank goodness. That job starts tomorrow - I have got things to do.5:24
Niles
Oh, I'm sorry, Frasier.5:29
Frasier
Sorry? My God, you sound just like Dad. I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I am a beloved Seattle institution.5:32
Martin
[Sitting at breakfast table] A couple more days like this and he's going to be in a beloved Seattle institution.5:40
Bulldog
Wait till you hear this, I got a job today. [Roz and Frasier congratulate him]5:49
Bulldog
You've got to rub me for good luck.5:55
Roz
Where?5:55
Bulldog
Well, start at my knee and work your way up.5:57
Roz
Where's the job?6:00
Bulldog
Oh-oh-oh, all right. It's that new all-sports station. I got the breakfast slot. I even came up with a slogan, "Coffee, eggs and Bulldog."6:01
Frasier
Sounds like some sort of Malaysian Happy Meal.6:11
Gil
A word of caution on the hummus. To be avoided - as a leper would avoid a magic tea-cup ride.6:15
Roz
Gil, Frasier made that.6:21
Gil
Oh, I'm so sorry.6:24
Frasier
That's quite all right. I understand you need to flex your critical muscles while you're between jobs.6:24
Gil
Oh good, then you might enjoy this one: "After sampling your [???], I was tempted to describe your entire Middle Eastern buffet as 'The Sorrow and the Pita.'" Oh, who's got a pencil, I've got to write that one down!6:30
Tooty
Hi everybody. [Others greet her] I just got the most exciting news today: they just picked up my story time theatre on public television. [Others congratulate] Talk about living happily ever after, eh? Chi-ching!6:43
Kenny
Hey, Dr. Crane6:59
Frasier
Oh, well hi, Kenny6:59
Kenny
Great party. Oh and by the way, I picked something up for you on my way to work today.7:02
Frasier
[Surprised and jealous] Work?7:07
Kenny
Yeah, yeah. They took me back at my old job.7:07
Kenny
I was passing the bus stop and... Excuse me a sec.7:10
Kenny
Anyway, they were about to paper over your poster, so I peeled it off for you. [he hands the rolled-up poster to Frasier]7:18
Frasier
Well, that is quite a keepsake. [Begins to unroll it].7:21
Kenny
Don't mention it. Oh, and by the way, the poster under yours was an old radio guy. [Thinks.] Er, a Dr. Earl. Who was he again?7:24
Frasier
[Thinks] You know, I'm sorry, I don't recall.7:30
Kenny
Yeah, I'm the same way. Once they're off the air, who remembers them? [Laughs.]7:33
Roz
Do you realize that we're just about the only people here without a job?7:37
Frasier
Roz...7:39
Roz
If we don't get this Top 100 spot, there may not be any left.7:41
Frasier
[Comforting] Roz, I've told you: We have nothing to worry about. Come on...7:44
Frasier
Everyone, if I could have your attention, please? We have of course planned some activities for today's little get- together, and I'd like to start with one for the children.7:47
Frasier
Now what we have here is an authentic Mexican pi?ata. [Hands pole to blindfolded child.] The object is to take the stick, and give it a little whack. [Gently hits pi?ata.]7:57
Gil
Oh, good for me. I just got the Top 100 job.8:09
Frasier
[Incredibly annoyed] Oh well, good for you, Gil. [Holds stick with child] Yes, you're going to want to give this little fellow a good crack. Otherwise...8:14
Frasier
You know, maybe I ought to get this started for you. Otherwise the candy will never come out.8:24
Frasier
Everybody knows that keeping something locked up inside is never good for anyone, is it?!8:30
Frasier
Hello? Yes, Bebe. We did hear the news, and how thrilling for Gil. Could you hold, please?8:49
Martin
What is this I feel, love. That fear that makes me conceal, love.9:09
Niles
Dad...9:17
Martin
Was I doing it again? Damn. Was I doing it before Mrs. Walsh got off?9:18
Niles
That's why Mrs. Walsh got off. [Martin acts annoyed.] So, what's Frasier doing?9:22
Martin
Ah, he's getting weirder. He beat up a pi?ata yesterday.9:26
Niles
Isn't that what you're supposed to do to a pi?ata?9:31
Martin
Not like this. They found a jawbreaker on the other side of the highway.9:33
Niles
[thinks, then] Oh, well, this is good! It means he's reached the anger stage. In due course he'll go through bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.9:38
Martin
What's bargaining?9:44
Niles
Oh, well, it's like when a person makes a deal with God to spare their life.9:47
Martin
Oh, yeah, I know all about that.9:50
Martin
I remember right after I got shot, I said, "God, if I promise never to drink another bottle of Ballantines, will you let me get through this?"9:54
Niles
You still drink Ballantines.10:01
Martin
Not in bottles, baby.10:01
Frasier
Oh, you're just in time, I'm throwing a party for my fan club.10:08
Martin
Here?10:12
Niles
Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?10:13
Frasier
[Laughs] Very amusing, Niles. [Serious] You see, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and last night... I did something which I haven't done since I was a very little boy. I got down on my knees on the bedside, and I prayed for guidance.10:17
Frasier
And I asked God, "What can I do to get my old life back?" And the answer came, "take better care of your fans."10:41
Martin
[Long pause] God told you that?11:02
Frasier
Yes. I have taken my public for granted. I take weeks before I answer my fan mail, if I answer it at all. I've been a bad celebrity. Well, no more! [Goes over to pour drink.]11:02
Martin
I didn't even know you had a fan club.11:19
Frasier
Well, they meet on the internet, and I visited their website yesterday for the first time. [Brings hand up to head, and shakes it] Bad celebrity! But I invited them all here, and you know what? They were so grateful that before long, I mean, my God, suddenly they were proposing that they hold a massive rally in my honor, demanding that I return to the airwaves. You know, I think that it's safe to say that someone is already working in mysterious ways. [Laughs.]11:22
Martin
Someone sure as hell is. [Walks over to kitchen.]11:49
Waiter
[To Frasier] Some crab puffs, Dr. Crane?11:52
Frasier
No, no, no, you just keep them away from me. It won't be long before I'm back in the public eye, and I've got to remain tight and trim.11:53
Frasier
Oh, Daphne. [Walks over to collect box.]12:00
Martin
What you got there?12:00
Daphne
Oh, just a box of Dr. Crane's publicity photos from the storage cubby.12:02
Frasier
[o.s.] Thank you.12:06
Daphne
This flashlight sure came in handy. Helped me to find that box way up at the top of that old bookcase. [Shuts door.] And when that thing flew in my hair, I had something to beat it to death with.12:06
Frasier
Oh, good Lord, our first arrivals. God, I've got to check the food. Daphne, will you run to the store for me? I need some felt-tip pens to sign these pictures with. Do you mind? [Runs into kitchen.]12:20
Daphne
Sure, what else have I got to do?12:27
Aaron
Hi, Daphne. [Turns to woman, excited,] It's Daphne!12:31
Daphne
Hello. Have we met?12:34
Doris
We know you from the magazine.12:36
Aaron
April '96, Seattle Monthly, "At home with Dr. Frasier Crane." You were wearing an orange flower dress. And your hair was different then.12:36
Daphne
Oh, how creepy. Do come in.12:44
Frasier
Come in, come in. [Shakes Doris's hand,] I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.12:48
Doris
Wow! Hi, Doris Butley.12:50
Frasier
Doris... [Lets go, and shakes Aaron's hand.]12:55
Aaron
Aaron Fitch.12:55
Frasier
Aaron... Oh, it's such a pleasure to meet you. You know, perhaps I should introduce these people to you. [Turns to Niles and Martin. Guests both look surprised.]12:56
Doris
Oh, we know who they are.13:01
Martin
And now, where we live.13:03
Frasier
Oh don't be shy, come in, come in.13:07
George
This is great, this is great!13:08
Frasier
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, it's a pleasure to meet you.13:13
George
This is great, this is great!13:16
Aaron
It's cool, isn't it? Your brother having his own club.13:21
Niles
Yeah, well, seeing all of you, I sort of wish I had a club myself.13:25
Frasier
You know, perhaps you'd like to fill out these name tags while we are waiting for everyone else to come.13:32
Aaron
Who else is coming?13:35
Frasier
Well, the rest of the fan club.13:38
Dorris
This is the fan club - the three of us!13:38
Daphne
[By door, exiting and laughing,] Well, I'll be off to get those pens now! [Exits and closes door.]13:42
Frasier
You know, perhaps you should all help yourself to some food. Um, Niles, may I have a word with you, please?13:48
Frasier
Niles!13:56
Frasier
I can't let them do this rally. Three kooks marching round in a circle, you know what that'll do?14:03
Niles
Make them very dizzy very fast.14:06
Frasier
Make me a laughingstock - I'll never work in this town again. I mean, I've got to stop them.14:10
Waiter
Sorry to interrupt, but I need to carve the second turkey.14:13
Niles
No fighting over drumsticks at this party.14:18
Frasier
Stop it! [Knocks Niles on the arm14:19
Frasier
How's everyone out here?14:21
Martin
[Sitting in his chair,] Oh, great. We were just talking about the rally.14:22
Frasier
Really, Dad? Oh, I'm glad you brought that up.14:24
Martin
They had it this afternoon.14:24
Aaron
Right in front of city hall.14:27
Doris
It couldn't have gone better. George even stopped traffic by lying across the road on a psychiatrist's couch. The cameramen sure loved that.14:27
Frasier
Cameramen?14:34
Doris
Oh, what are we doing? It's almost time for the 6 o'clock news!14:36
Aaron
You're going to love this, Dr. Crane!14:39
Frasier
[To waiter standing behind him,] Excuse me, what have you got there?14:41
Waiter
Er, still the crab puffs. Shall I get you something else?14:41
Frasier
[Taking whole tray,] Yes please, bring me some spring rolls.14:43
TV
Now on the lighter side, did you ever ask yourself, "What if they held a rally and nobody came?14:47
George
This is great, this is great! [Takes picture of TV]14:55
Frasier
Forget the spring rolls, bring me the freakin' turkey!14:58
Martin
Uh, Frasier...15:10
Frasier
Yeah, Dad?15:10
Martin
Do you think we could talk to you for a second in the living room?15:12
Frasier
Yeah, sure. Gee, sounds kind of serious.15:15
Martin
It is, kinda...15:18
Frasier
Yeah, what is it? Oh Roz, I didn't hear you come in.15:18
Martin
I think you had the blender going. [Both walk over to Martin's chair.] Er, Frasier, we're wondering, do you think you might be depressed?15:25
Frasier
Depressed?15:34
Roz
Well, we've all noticed that you've put on weight lately. [Cuts to Frasier, who has a large tummy,] we're worried that you might be eating excessively.15:35
Frasier
[Sits down in Martin's chair, continuing to eat.] Well, gee, maybe I've gained a pound or two, but it's nothing I can't handle.15:42
Niles
So you think you've got everything under control.15:45
Frasier
Absolutely.15:48
Martin
It's time, Roz.15:48
Roz
Remember when I had that babysitter that was stealing from me, so I had to put in that hidden camera?15:50
Frasier
Yes.15:56
Roz
And remember when you babysat for me?15:57
Frasier
What about it?15:59
Roz
Just watch this.15:59
Frasier
[v.o:] Well, baby Alice, I think it's meal time. Let's see what's on tonight's menu. [Gets up and moves around.] Ah yes, strained beef and lima beans.16:03
Frasier
Oh all right, point taken. So I've put on a pound or two- but the camera adds ten!16:13
Frasier
[Tries to feed baby, but she won't take it.] Come on, yes, now, its very good. Here, I'll show you. [Eats spoonful of food.] Um, oh my. Alright, here, now it's your turn.16:19
Frasier
[on TV] No, still? You know, that's not even a proper spoonful. Let's get you a full one. [eats that spoonful.]16:31
Frasier
[on TV] That's a nice big one. You know what, let's try something else. Oh, some pureed chicken and yams. [Takes spoonful] Come on now, open up. Open up! Now well, if you're not hungry, you're not hungry. [eats spoonful.] My, well. They taste pretty good together. Let's try that. [Eats double spoonful.]16:41
Frasier
[on TV:] Tell you what, what's that you have in your baby cup there? Is that apple juice?17:11
Frasier
Oh all right, enough! Turn it off.17:13
Frasier
Well, I guess maybe you're right, I am depressed. What of it?17:16
Martin
Well, you know, we're just trying to help you get to, you know, the next stage.17:20
Frasier
Stage of what?17:24
Niles
Frasier, you know, I think you're dealing with the loss of your job as many people do with a death. Only you've got yourself stalled in depression, and I think you're going to stay there until you let yourself grieve. For everything you've lost. [Frasier looks annoyed,] Your job, your friends, the money, your reputation. [Frasier seems to grudgingly agree.]17:24
Roz
You've got to let it out, Frasier.17:47
Frasier
Well, I thank you all very much for your concern, but you know what, if I was repressing anything...17:50
Frasier
I would certainly know it. The only thing that I need to let out is these so-called one-size-fits-all lounge pants.17:55
Roz
Well, that went well.18:08
Martin
Yeah, well, we gave it a shot.18:08
Daphne
What do we do now?18:09
Niles
Well, we can't push him. If he's not ready, he's not ready.18:12
Daphne
What was that?18:17
Roz
Was that Frasier?18:17
Frasier
[comes into living room,] If anyone's hungry, there's a freshly made Monte Cristo in the waffle press.18:20
Martin
Oh great, thanks, Fras.18:25
Daphne
Dr. Crane, are you all right?18:29
Frasier
Yes.18:32
Roz
Are you sure?18:32
Frasier
I am quite sure.18:34
Niles
Frasier, you're not famous any more.18:38
Martin
What did you do that for?18:46
Niles
No, no, dad, he needed a push.18:46
Martin
Yeah, but look at him, this can't be good.18:49
Niles
Oh, it is good. Let it out, Frasier, let it all out.18:50
Niles
That's good, that's good. Let it all out.18:53
Niles
OK, Frasier, that's probably enough now.19:01
Martin
How much more can be in there?19:06
Niles
OK, all right, Frasier. That's probably enough now, OK. [To Martin:] I don't think I can get him to stop.19:09
Martin
This is sickening.19:16
Daphne
What are we going to do?19:16
Martin
Somebody get that Monte Cristo in here. [Daphne runs to get it]19:18
Roz
Frasier, it's all in how you look at things. Look at my life...19:22
Frasier
[Wailing still] No career, no relationship, no hope.19:27
Roz
You can say the same thing about me.19:30
Frasier
I was talking about you! [Roz hits him gently.]19:32
Daphne
[Bringing over waffle] Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say... [Frasier yells loudly,]19:37
Martin
What are you trying to do, kill him?19:42
Daphne
[pointing at Roz] Don't blame this on me. She brought the bloody tape over!19:43
Roz
Oh, so now this is all my fault. You saw that tape.19:46
Daphne
I saw your baby, too. She could stand to miss a meal or two.19:49
Roz
She's a healthy baby!19:52
Frasier
Oh, stop it, stop it all of you. [Wailing still] There is no hope. It's over. Over. [Sobs]19:52
Martin
Look at that! I'm so proud of you, boy.20:06
Frasier
Oh dad, you're just saying that!20:12
Frasier
Hello, Niles.20:23
Niles
Frasier, please join me.20:23
Frasier
Thank you very much. [to waitress:] I would love to have...20:25
Waitress
Wait! Mochaccino, extra whipped cream and a Linseed Torte, right?20:26
Frasier
[laughs] Not anymore! Can I have a non-fat latte please?20:31
Waitress
Hey, didn't you used...20:36
Frasier
Yes, yes. I used to be on the radio, with any luck I will be again. Thank you for remembering, it does help.20:36
Waitress
I was just gonna say, didn't you also used to get a bear claw?20:45
Frasier
Off you go!20:51
Niles
Frasier, I just have to say "Bravo!" You're slim, well- adjusted, you've really turned things around, haven't you?20:54
Frasier
Well, it's easy once you hit rock bottom... and bounce! [laughs] Thank you, Niles. I couldn't have done it without you.21:01
Niles
I did nothing you wouldn't have done. And you'll be happy to know my own life is on quite the upswing as well. I just got back from a meeting with Maris and her lawyers.21:12
Frasier
And?21:22
Niles
[grinning] I think this divorce is going to go very smoothly!21:24