Frasier's Curse
Aired 1st October 1998 · Written by Jay Kogen · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Niles
That was a very childish prank. Now you have ruined my coffee! If you can't behave like adults you shouldn't be coming to a grown-up café!0:41
Girl
It wasn't us!0:50
Girl
Aren't you going to yell at them?0:55
Niles
They'll have already heard me yell at you.0:57
Frasier
Niles, thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice, I swear I am in a full-blown crisis.1:00
Niles
If you are talking about that garish belt, I have emergency suspenders in my car.1:05
Frasier
It's not the belt! My high-school reunion is tonight and you know my history.1:10
Niles
Oh, not this folderol again.1:16
Frasier
It's not folderol!1:16
Niles
It's folderol.1:19
Frasier
It is not folderol! Every time my reunion comes around, it coincides with a severe downturn in my life. Five years ago Lilith divorced me; five years before that I was left at the altar; five years before that I fell face first into the poison ivy! And here we are right on schedule, I'm freshly fired!1:19
Niles
I still don't know why you even went that poison ivy year.1:37
Frasier
The point is, in ten minutes I have an extremely important job interview - a job which I am eminently qualified for, but now I have no chance of getting.1:40
Niles
How can you know that?1:49
Frasier
Because destiny won't allow it! Destiny plans for me to walk into that reunion this evening the way I always do, the class loser! Pitied and shunned by everyone until I end up sitting with the most pathetic people there.1:51
Niles
You mean... the chess club?2:07
Frasier
Worse! The chess club's barbershop quartet.2:11
Niles
Oh, the Checkmates!2:16
Frasier
I swear to God, I feel like I have a curse on my head!2:19
Niles
Frasier, you are a man of science. You know curses don't exist. There's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this. You tripped and fell into the poison ivy; your radio station changed formats; your wife didn't love you.2:22
Frasier
If this is a pep talk, would you kindly segue way to the peppy part?2:35
Niles
The only reason why you're giving credence to this curse mumbo-jumbo is because you're nervous about your job interview. You're an intelligent man, any station would be lucky to have you, wouldn't they?2:44
Frasier
Yes, I suppose.2:55
Niles
You must stop doubting yourself. You deserve that job, so go out there and get it. In an hour's time it'll be yours, and after a short trip to the store to return that belt, you will thoroughly enjoy your reunion.2:55
Frasier
Well, you're right, Niles. I should think positive. This interview will go just fine and so will this evening. All I have to do now is get a date - where the hell am I going to find a woman who's so desperate for an evening out she'd agree to go to someone else's reunion?3:09
Roz
[enters] Hello, Frasier.3:23
Niles
See, your luck's changing already!3:24
Frasier
Hello, excuse me, I'm looking for Stephen Rugley's office.3:36
Rugley
Well, you've come to the right place.3:40
Frasier
Oh, splendid. Is it possible for you to fetch me a coffee before my interview?3:40
Rugley
Well, er...3:45
Frasier
Oh, better yet, make it a cup of Chamomile tea, a squirt of lemon and a full teaspoonfull of honey.3:45
Rugley
We'll try to get that for you as soon as my assistant gets back. Er, I'm Stephen Rugley. President of KJMC.3:52
Frasier
[laughs] Lord, it's nice to meet you. I'm terribly sorry.4:00
Rugley
All right Dr. Crane - it's a great suit, by the way.4:02
Frasier
Thank you.4:04
Rugley
You're....4:06
Frasier
I know, it's a bit risky. People have been commenting on it all day.4:06
Frasier
It makes a bold statement, but frankly I like it! I came through the park on the way over here and it caught the eye of many a young lady!4:12
Frasier
Oh God, my fly! I thought you were talking about my belt.4:24
Rugley
Well, shall we start the interview?4:29
Frasier
Oh, good. We haven't started yet! Well...4:31
Rugley
I'm glad you could make it, Dr. Crane. I've enjoyed your work.4:36
Frasier
Oh, that's very gracious of you, Mr. Ugly. [realises what he said:] Oh, dear God, I just said...4:39
Rugley
What do you mean?4:44
Frasier
Oh, I just said your name right now and it sounded like I called you Mr. Ugly. I assure you it won't happen again. It's just a matter of seperating the r's. [practicing:] Mr. Rug, Mr. Rug, Mr. Rug...4:47
Frasier
...ley. Mr. Rugley.5:02
Rugley
Anyway, I think you might be a good fit here. We need to find a replacement for Dr. Wendy.5:06
Frasier
Really?5:12
Rugley
Yes, we didn't feel it was quite right to keep her on any longer.5:12
Frasier
Well, let me say I applaud your judgement on that score. I mean, frankly, Dr. Wendy's saccharine style - it may be very popular, but you know, it's really not up to your standards, is it?!5:16
Rugley
Dr. Wendy's my mother. She's quite ill.5:28
Assistant
Can I interrupt?5:33
Frasier
Oh, please!5:33
Assistant
You have some messages.5:35
Rugley
Excuse us for a moment?5:37
Frasier
Of course.5:37
Assistant
Mr. Jaminson has to cancel.5:39
Rugley
Oh, very well. Why don't you call Phyllis Monderat and she if she can reschedule.5:39
Rugley
Oh, and see if you can pick up my car from the shop.5:45
Assistant
I already did. It's across the street. Somebody parked this BMW in your space.5:47
Rugley
Well, have it towed!5:51
Assistant
I already made the call.5:51
Rugley
Dr. Crane?6:04
Frasier
[facing away:] Yes?6:04
Rugley
We don't have any tea, but would you like some coffee?6:07
Frasier
That'll be splendid, yes, thank you.6:09
Rugley
What was that?6:25
Frasier
Nothing.6:25
Rugley
[sees second bit drop:] Is this my giraffe from my cabinet?6:29
Frasier
Yes, it is. I'm sorry, I was admiring it and it broke apart in my hands. But you know, if your child is anything like mine, he'd be delighted to make you a new one!6:29
Rugley
Actually, my father made it after his stroke.6:38
Frasier
Well, I think you've got enough to go on. It was lovely meeting you.6:45
Frasier
Oh, well I'm going to have to rush if I'm gonna beat that tow-truck.6:50
Martin
Hold the elevator, Niles. Thanks.7:00
Niles
Hi, Dad. [the doors close]7:04
Martin
I'm never going to that grocery store across the street again. They gave me such a hard time just because I brought Eddie in.7:07
Niles
Well, it's not exactly sanitary, dad.7:12
Martin
Oh yeah? Well, when they get rid of the guy with pinkeye who's handing out cheese samples, then they can talk to me about sanitary.7:16
Niles
[notices trolley is full of dog food:] Didn't you bring home a case of dog food yesterday?7:27
Martin
Yeah! It was the economy stuff, he wouldn't touch it, so I've got to take all of it back. This is his favorite kind.7:30
Niles
[looks at it:] Well, I guess what they say is true: Once you've tasted animal by-products you can't go back to the cheap stuff! Hey, will you pick the restaurant for tonight?7:36
Martin
Hey, I've got a better idea than that! My old precinct's having one of their seized property auctions down at the fairgrounds.7:44
Niles
Oh, what's the better idea?7:50
Martin
Come on, Niles, these drug dealers have some pretty nice stuff!7:50
Niles
I guess I've been searching for a wide-brimmed purple velvet hat... It's not quite, er, me.7:57
Martin
I tell you what, we'll just go for a little while and then we'll come back here for dinner.8:01
Daphne
Am I glad you're home.8:06
Martin
What's wrong?8:08
Daphne
Dr. Crane! Ever since he came back from his job interview he seemed awfully depressed. In fact, he's as bad as I've ever seen him!8:08
Niles
Oh, I guess it didn't go well.8:16
Daphne
I gather not. He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's Second Symphony.8:16
Niles
[alarmed:] And you left him alone?!8:23
Daphne
He's in the kitchen! 8:27
Niles
Frasier!8:29
Niles
Oh my God! Frasier, are you all right?8:32
Frasier
I was fine before you screamed, what the hell's wrong with you?8:36
Niles
Well, Daphne said you were depressed and here you are with your head in the oven.8:39
Frasier
I was cleaning it, Niles. It's electric.8:44
Frasier
If I wanted to end my life I'd choose something faster than broiling.8:51
Martin
Sorry your interview didn't go well, Fras.8:58
Frasier
Oh, it's alright, Dad. You know, things don't work out the way we'd like them to sometimes. [watches Daphne push the trolley by with Eddie in] Much like my strict, "No shopping trolleys in the apartment policy."9:00
Martin
Don't worry about it. I'll take it back, but I need to return all that cheap dog food.9:10
Frasier
You know, Dad, I'm going down to pick up some cleaning supplies, I'll do it.9:14
Martin
Well, I thought you needed to get ready for the reunion?9:17
Frasier
Oh God, no, I'm not going!9:19
Martin
Why?9:20
Frasier
Because I'm cursed. If I wasn't convinced before today's interview, I certainly am now.9:20
Martin
But you haven't even heard anything. For all you know you might have gotten it. [doorbell sounds]9:25
Frasier
Believe me, dad. I have a better chance of being crowned "Miss Teen USA."9:30
Frasier
Oh, dear God!9:37
Roz
[about Frasier's dress:] Well, just how casual is this thing tonight?9:39
Frasier
Roz, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot to call and tell you that, well, we're not going!9:39
Roz
Wait a second! I found a babysitter at the last minute. I got a new dress, I got Michelle to do my hair and just spent the last hour listening to the Estee Lauder lady describing her bladder operation just so I could get a free makeover. And now you're saying we're not going?9:46
Frasier
Roz, I can't go. You see, I have a curse on my head.10:01
Roz
What curse?10:06
Niles
He thinks the Fates are conspiring to humiliate him at every reunion.10:07
Martin
Oh come on, you don't really believe that, do you?10:11
Frasier
All right, let's examine the evidence. Daphne, would you assist me, please? [hands her a paper:] This is my school newsletter.10:13
Daphne
[reads] The Bryce Academy Crier!10:19
Niles
Which, coincidentally, was Frasier's nickname the first year he was there.10:21
Frasier
Go to page eight! Scott Alexander, what's he been up to?10:27
Daphne
Wife, kids, has his own computer software business.10:32
Frasier
Patsy Curds.10:36
Daphne
Mother of three, successful physician, has invented a drug that may aid in the treatment of cancer.10:40
Frasier
Won't they go green with envy when I top them all with this story of my life: Frasier Crane, unattached, unemployed and living with his father. He spends his days scrubbing his oven and is anxiously awaiting his upcoming tooth cleaning.10:50
Martin
Now, now, Frasier. Everyone has their ups and downs. You know, for all we know that cure for cancer didn't pan out either.11:10
Niles
[gives Martin a look, then deadpan:] One can only hope, Dad.11:19
Daphne
I bet if you just went in there with a sunny attitude, you'd have a good time.11:25
Frasier
No, I tried sunny last time, you know where it got me? Table 97, singing "Goodbye my Coney Island Baby" with the Checkmates.11:28
Roz
Well, maybe this time will be different.11:38
Frasier
That's the mistake I always make. Thinking that this year it will be different, that I can beat the curse. Well, that's because it makes you think you can beat it but you can't! So, Roz, I apologize, I'll make this up to you some day. But right now, I'm going to go down to the store and run a little errand for my friend Eddie! And then I'm coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new psychoanalysis tape: "Depression, Anxiety and Death" as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.11:38
Daphne
[half in tears:] Now who's cursed?!12:16
Frasier
Excuse me, sir, there's a place to recycle those cans right over there.12:33
Man
Oh, I know. [puts them in and walks off]12:36
Frasier
[angry:] On behalf of Mother Earth, I thank you!12:40
Frasier
That's the sort of person who drinks chocolate soda.12:49
Percy
Frasier Crane.12:59
Frasier
Yes. [realises:] Percy Williams, ho-ho, good to see you. I suppose you're on your way to the reunion.13:02
Percy
Yes, yes I am.13:09
Frasier
I couldn't make it this year myself. A little too much on my Plate, things have gotten crazy.13:11
Percy
I see there, I heard you went off the radio.13:15
Frasier
You did?13:20
Percy
You know, my wife heads up a charity that helps get homeless people back on their feet.13:21
Frasier
Yes, I know. The Scrap Foundation, it's very popular in my circle.13:25
Percy
You should call, they could help you.13:29
Frasier
Me? [realises and laughs] Oh, that's very funny. The shopping cart with all the dog food. I'm afraid you're suffering from the wrong impression.13:32
Percy
Dog food?13:43
Frasier
Oh, it's not mine. It's my father's.13:45
Percy
Oh, Frasier...13:49
Frasier
No, really, you're mistaken: I'm not homeless. I live in that luxury building right there. [Percy obviously doesn't believe him] Number 1901.13:50
Percy
Frasier, take this. [hands him money]13:57
Frasier
I don't need it. I drive a BMW, I collect African art.13:57
Percy
You always were a proud one.14:03
Frasier
I'm not proud.14:05
Percy
Then take it! For God sakes, spend it on food.14:05
Frasier
I just threw out a $200 belt!14:12
Daphne
Hey, how was the police auction?14:37
Martin
Oh, you didn't miss anything. Especially when it started raining.14:38
Niles
I made out like a bandit! [laughs at the pun] Those drug lords have the most incredible taste: Christophle, silver, Limogés. Oh, Morivors chrystal. If I ever get married again, I'm going to register there.14:41
Frasier
Hello, all.14:58
Niles
I thought you were staying home?15:00
Frasier
Yes, well, not any more. I ran into Percy Williams down at the grocery store. He mistook me for a street person. If I don't get down there and defend myself he'll be passing around that rumor along with the Swedish meatballs.15:00
Daphne
Well, I'm glad you're going, Dr. Crane. You'll have a nice time, and you look great.15:14
Frasier
Thank you.15:18
Roz
You have no idea how big you owe me!15:21
Frasier
Yes I do, Roz, and I will never ask you for another favor again - except could you possibly do something with your hair? It seems to be leaning.15:23
Roz
Frasier, when you called I was in the tub with a pint of Ha�gen-Daaz - considering that was fifteen minutes ago I think I look pretty good.15:31
Frasier
I appreciate it, Roz, I really do. Daphne, could you please help Roz getting finished?15:37
Roz
I am finished.15:41
Frasier
No, no, no, finish more. And... remember what I told you.15:41
Roz
Oh yeah, right: I'm a model-slash-doctor-slash-daughter of the Duke of Luxembourg.15:44
Daphne
Yes, come along, Your Grace.15:51
Niles
Frasier, are you actually so desperate that you're trying to impress those people by having Roz pretend to be some sort of trophy girlfriend?15:54
Frasier
[correcting:] Trophy duchess! Niles, it's the only way to beat the curse.16:02
Niles
You can beat the curse by not going.16:07
Frasier
I tried that, Niles, you see where that got me. The curse found a way to humiliate me in absentia. I've got to get down there.16:10
Niles
Why? To win the approval of some virtual strangers.16:17
Frasier
I know it sounds foolish, Niles...16:21
Niles
No, it's not foolish. It's human. I think it's all about the feelings of inferiority you've been carrying with you since high school. That's the real curse. Only, you're not the Bryce Crier anymore, you're a successful man. You have an opportunity for real growth here. Not by trying to impress these people, but by realizing that they don't matter anymore.16:21
Frasier
Oh, Roz, you look beautiful!16:49
Roz
Thank you.16:54
Frasier
But we're not going!16:54
Roz
What?!16:55
Frasier
It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it.16:58
Roz
Frasier, I hired a babysitter twice, I did my makeup twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress twice - only to be stood up twice!17:04
Frasier
Roz, technically you only did your hair once.17:15
Roz
[shouts] Shut up! [hits him with her handbag] You know, some day you're gonna need another favour from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.17:17
Frasier
I have a pretty good idea.17:24
Roz
Well, do it twice!17:24
Frasier
Well, that was something.17:29
Niles
Please, you call that a tantrum? Maris used to do that once a week. The poor thing needed help slamming the door!17:29
Martin
[enters:] Frasier, I was just talking to Duke on the phone and your agent flicked in. She was calling from a pay phone and she couldn't really talk, but she said that KPOV wants you to host your own show for them.17:38
Frasier
My own television show!17:49
Daphne
On KPOV! [they all congratulate him]17:53
Frasier
Thank you, all.17:55
Niles
I just realised. This is an even bigger opportunity for personal growth. Having a prestigious new job like this and not even going to the reunion to boast about it!18:01
Frasier
It's a great opportunity, isn't it!18:11
Niles
Have a good time.18:15
Frasier
I will.18:15
Niles
I must say, Frasier did have a run of bad luck this week. I'm certainly glad it worked out better for him.18:22
Martin
No, he didn't really get a call, I just made it all up.18:28
Niles
His agent didn't call?18:33
Martin
No, I just wanted to give the guy something to brag about.18:34
Niles
Dad, I know you were trying to help, but don't you think that's a little risky? What if somebody at the reunion knows it's not true?18:39
Martin
Oh, no, you worry too much. Who's gonna know? I mean most of these people are from out of town, they've probably never heard of KPOV!18:44
Daphne
I knew it! When you said KPOV, I thought it sounded familiar and it's right here in Dr. Crane's newsletter. His classmate, Calvin Gurdstone, was just made station manager. Won't that be nice for them; they'll be working together now. [exits to kitchen again]18:50
Niles
Oh, my God!19:06
Martin
Oh, come on, it'll be all right, don't worry about it. This Gurdstone probably won't even show - he's just got a new job, he's probably real busy.19:07
Niles
Well, you're right. I musn't assume the worst. I'm acting like Frasier, as if there really is a curse.19:15
Daphne
Look here, he's also serving as this year's reunion coordinator.19:20
Frasier
Hi, fellas.19:50
Checkmate
Hi.19:50
Frasier
Hit it.19:59
Checkmate 1
Hello...20:02
Checkmate 2
Hello...20:02
Checkmate 3
Hello...20:04
Frasier
Hello...20:06
Checkmates
Goodbye, my Coney Island baby, Farewell, my own true love, true love-20:09
Frasier
Oh, honey!20:15
Checkmates
I'm gonna go away and leave you, Never to see you any-20:16
Frasier
Never gonna see you any-20:22
Checkmates
I'm gonna sail upon that ferry boat...20:24