Back Talk (Part 1)
Aired 9th December 1999 · Written by Lori Kirkland · Directed by Pamela Fryman
Martin
[v.o. as Eddie] Rrrr'appy Rrrr'irthday, Rrrr'aiser!0:00
Frasier
[wakes up, sarcastically] Eddie! You can talk!0:21
Martin
[v.o. as Eddie] I've always been able to talk. I just save it for special occasions like somebody's rrr'irthday.0:25
Frasier
Yes, Eddie, thank you very much. But listen, I'd like to talk about Dad. I think his mind may be slipping.0:32
Martin
Hey, don't say things like that. He's a dog, he might not know you're joking.0:39
Frasier
Why, Dad, I didn't even know you were here! [smirks]0:43
Martin
Well, just give me a couple more minutes and I'll have your birthday breakfast all ready. Come on, Eddie!0:47
Martin
[v.o. as Eddie] Rrright behind you!0:53
Frasier
Oh, well, that's very nice, Dad.1:00
Martin
Oh, and look what I got. A newspaper from the day you were born. [hands it to him]1:03
Frasier
I keep telling you to clean out that closet of yours! [sits down and reads it]1:07
Martin
I ordered it!1:10
Frasier
Yes well, let's just see what other wonders occurred on that day. [laughs and reads] "SUSPECTED PINKO OUTED FROM CROSSING GUARD POST" What a jolly world I was born into.1:10
Martin
I know tonight's your party, but here. [lights a candle on a cupcake] Happy birthday! Make a wish.1:26
Frasier
Oh Dad, thank you.1:30
Martin
What's the matter?1:38
Frasier
My back! [in pain] It's completely seized up!1:40
Martin
Well, here...1:44
Frasier
My God! It's been a little tender lately. I went to see the doctor last week, he told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.1:50
Martin
Oh, doctors never tell you anything, they're all just a bunch of overpaid quacks. [off Frasier's glare] Oh, I'm sorry, I don't mean you. I'm talking about real doctors!1:57
Frasier
[after he gives Martin a look] How can this be happening to me? I'm always so conscientious about back safety. Why, just the other day when I needed that large heavy stack of books from down in the storage room, I insisted that Daphne make three trips.2:06
Martin
Well, you know what, I've got that old girdle in my bedroom. Let me go get it.2:18
Frasier
Dad, wait, I'm not going to wear anything called a girdle.2:22
Martin
What if I call it a back-brace?2:25
Frasier
Get it!2:28
Frasier
[calls] Daphne!2:38
Frasier
Oh, God... Coming! [slowly gets up and edges to the door] This wouldn't be taking me so long if my housekeeper were here. [finally opens door to Daphne]2:43
Daphne
I'm a physical therapist!3:03
Frasier
Then perhaps you could get me into a chair!3:06
Daphne
[supports him] Oh goodness, is your back bothering you again? Oh, I'm sorry I made you get up. I forgot my keys.3:08
Frasier
You know, perhaps you should get a spare set made just to keep at Donny's. For God's sake, you're practically living there as it is.3:14
Daphne
[guides him to sofa] Oh, now, Dr. Crane. You better get used to it. Once I'm married, I will be living there. [then] I know what'll help that back, a nice massage.3:19
Martin
Here we go.3:26
Daphne
Oh, the girdle! That'll help.3:26
Martin
Now, it's kinda hard to put on by yourself. But if Daphne holds one end and I hold the other, you can kinda spin into it.3:30
Frasier
Please Dad, this is humiliating enough as it is.3:35
Martin
What's humiliating about it? Look, you just hook it in the back like a bra.3:38
Frasier
Just give me that! [snatches it]3:41
Daphne
Mr. Crane, does it bother you when I stay over at Donny's?3:46
Martin
No.3:50
Daphne
Well, it seems to bother Dr. Crane.3:51
Martin
Oh, he's just cranky because of his back.3:51
Daphne
Good Lord! Queen Elizabeth had another baby! I don't care what science can do, it's just not right.3:54
Frasier
[referring to Connie placing the flowers on the console] Oh, that'll be fine right there, be sure to thank the gang for the flowers, Connie.4:10
Connie
You're welcome, Dr. Crane. Happy Birthday. [exits]4:15
Roz
[realizes] Birthday? [then quickly] Happy birthday, Frasier.4:18
Frasier
Thank you, Roz. Not off to the best start though, my back is out.4:23
Roz
Why don't you go home? We'll just air "The Best of Crane." I'll drop your gift by later.4:30
Frasier
No, no, Roz. I promised my listeners that I'd read a birthday address.4:32
Roz
[searching for a gift to give him] Well, people might have forgotten, people do have busy lives, you know. [notices a book on the side]4:40
Frasier
No, Roz, I announced it twice. Anyone paying the slightest attention would know.4:45
Frasier
What are you doing over there?4:50
Roz
Just, wondering when to surprise you with your... present! [holds up gift bag]4:53
Frasier
Oh, Roz.4:59
Roz
Yes, now is as good a time as any.4:59
Frasier
You know, we keep promising each other that we're not going to do this. We've got to stop spoiling one another.5:01
Roz
Well, what am I supposed to do? Just forget your birthday?5:07
Frasier
[looks at book] Oh, Good Lord, Roz. You know, I read the most wonderful review of this recently.5:10
Roz
I hope you like it.5:15
Frasier
Oh look, you've inscribed it.5:16
Roz
[worried] I did?5:16
Frasier
[reads] "You'll always be my baby."5:20
Roz
I must have had a glass of wine when I wrote that.5:23
Frasier
[reads] "Love, Mom."5:27
Niles
There's our bent and broken birthday boy.5:31
Frasier
Hello, Niles.5:36
Niles
I've brought you a little gift. Say hello to sweet salvation, the "Lumbar Log."5:36
Frasier
Thank you, Niles. [takes it and props it behind his back] I think the whole thing is probably stress-related.5:40
Niles
Well, that's very possible. Birthdays can be anxiety- provoking, especially for people of a certain age.5:47
Frasier
I am not "of a certain age," Niles. I am smack dab in the middle of "not a kid anymore." I won't be "of a certain age" for another ten years.5:54
Roz
You know, if your back pain is stress-related, I read a magazine article with an exercise that might help. You just go someplace where nobody can hear you and list all the things that bug you.6:01
Frasier
In what esteemed medical journal did you find this little tidbit - "Cosmo"?6:11
Roz
No, [proudly] "Glamour"!6:16
Frasier
Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of lipstick," "I look terrible in a bikini," "He can't find my G-spot."6:19
Roz
I said do it someplace private!6:28
Niles
You know, it couldn't hurt, Frasier.6:32
Frasier
Oh, Niles, it's absurd.6:32
Niles
Hmm, the more you resist, the more I'm wondering if there's something you're trying to avoid.6:35
Roz
Well, thanks for backing me up, Niles. You know, the same article said if you rub a raw potato...6:40
Niles
If we're going to sell him on this, you should drop out now.6:45
Roz
OK.6:48
Frasier
Nobody's going to sell me on anything. That sort of exercise only helps people who lack self awareness. I for one am... [spasm of pain] God almighty!6:49
Niles
Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe to run.6:58
Roz
Thirty seconds, Frasier. [enters her booth]7:04
Niles
All right, I'll be off. You take care of yourself, I'll see you tonight. [exits]7:04
Roz
Are you sure you're up to this?7:09
Frasier
Oh, I'll be fine, Roz. I'm not as delicate as all that.7:11
Roz
How did you do it anyway?7:14
Frasier
Blowing out a cupcake.7:14
Roz
You know, Frasier, we can always put on "The Best of Crane."7:20
Frasier
No, no, Roz. Now, just have a little bit of faith in me. I'm a lot tougher than that. Tell you what, if I feel like I need help towards the end of the show, I'll give you a little signal, all right? [shows her an example of her signal]7:23
Roz
All right, five seconds.7:34
Frasier
Gosh you know, these flowers really are beautiful. [on air] Good afternoon, Seattle.7:37
Niles
Hello! Anyone here? [no reply]8:00
Frasier
I guess they're all out.8:06
Niles
[hurrying across room to sofa] Okay, well let's just get you settled!8:06
Frasier
Niles, Niles, slow down. For God's sake, we're not running a three-legged race. [falls onto sofa] Do you have somewhere to be?8:09
Niles
Well, since you bring it up, I do have a luncheon with my new lady love.8:17
Frasier
Oh, well, gosh, I'd hate to have my pain stand in the way of that! How could that orthopedist of yours tell me there was nothing wrong?8:20
Niles
Frasier, I looked at the x-rays myself, this is not a skeletal problem. There, now you're all fine and I'm sure Dad will be by soon.8:26
Frasier
No, wait. This couch has absolutely no support. [points to chair with ottoman] Let's try that chair over there, please.8:31
Niles
All right. [picks him up] You're not heavy, you're my brother.8:39
Frasier
How could you take me to that unprofessional hack? All he did was give me a bottle full of horse tranquilizers. He didn't care about getting to the root of the problem, he just wanted to shut me up!8:46
Niles
I think it might be time for one of those pills!8:56
Niles
All comfy?9:04
Frasier
This won't do, it's even harder than a seat on a public bus.9:08
Niles
Oh, when were you ever on a bus?9:13
Frasier
At a cocktail party once for the "Friends of Transit."9:16
Niles
I wasn't invited to that.9:19
Frasier
Will you just help me up, for God's sake! [he does] Oh God, you know, maybe I should take another one of those pills.9:21
Niles
All right, I'll get you a glass of water, okay?9:31
Frasier
Right.9:31
Niles
[o.s.] You know, things are really going well with Mel. I've been out with her almost every night. I don't want to jinx things but I dare say we're well on our way to becoming what might almost pass as an item.9:35
Niles
I mean it, Frasier, she is just the... [notices him] Oh my God, did you fall?!9:53
Frasier
No, I'm actually quite comfortable, Niles. And look, there's no glare on the television... and here's a lovely place to set your drink. [he does]10:02
Niles
Just give me your hand and whatever the chair's telling you, don't listen.10:15
Frasier
No, it's helping my back actually. You know, and when you sit in it, you don't have to look at it.10:18
Niles
If you're really interested in correcting this problem and not just medicating it, you should consider that technique Roz mentioned - you know, listing your problems aloud.10:26
Frasier
Oh, give me a break.10:31
Niles
It's perfectly possible that this is connected to some submerged anxiety. What's bothering you?10:34
Frasier
Oh, yes, Niles, you really expect me to sit here all alone in some apartment, prattling on endlessly about my problems like some sort of a lunatic. [Niles slowly leaves unnoticed by Frasier] If you think I'm going to do that, you're the one who needs to get his head examined...10:38
Frasier
Oh, good God! Oh, Eddie, please just shoo! Get off me, get off me!10:53
Frasier
What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me... I'm another year older today. I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. [takes pills] I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad.11:07
Frasier
Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely. Well, it's quite a realization, isn't it?11:52
Frasier
I really do love Daphne and I'm about to lose her. I've got to show her how I feel about her, while I still have the chance.12:25
Frasier
Well, I don't know whether it was the therapy or the painkillers but I actually feel a bit better. Let's try this. [pulls himself to sit more comfortably on the chair] Ah...12:43
Frasier
You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.12:58
Daphne
Oh, Dr. Crane! I didn't know you were here, I can't hear anything in that shower of mine, it's like a soundproof vault!13:04
Frasier
Daphne, I wanted to apologize for being so short with you this morning.13:11
Daphne
It's fine.13:17
Frasier
No, it's not. It's never fine. Listen, come here, please.13:17
Frasier
Give me a hug.13:29
Frasier
Oh Daphne, do you know how much you mean to me?13:32
Daphne
[worried] I'm getting an idea!13:37
Martin
[enters] Hey, Daph. [no response] What's wrong? Are you all right?13:46
Daphne
Well, actually no. I overheard something I wasn't supposed to hear. It's about Dr. Crane. I overheard him say he's in love with me.13:52
Martin
What?14:05
Daphne
And he wants to show me how much he loves me while he still has the chance.14:06
Martin
Oh, jeez, not this!14:09
Daphne
You knew about this?14:12
Martin
I'm not getting in the middle of this!14:12
Daphne
Then it's true?14:15
Martin
Look, I kept my mouth shut for six years, I'm not saying anything now. [exits to kitchen]14:15
Daphne
[gobsmacked] Six years?! He's felt this way for six years?!14:20
Martin
[o.s] You didn't hear that from me!14:24
Frasier
Daphne. Daphne, I can't lower myself into the tub.14:27
Daphne
Well, don't look at me!14:32
Frasier
No, I thought I'd skip the bath and take you up on that massage you offered. Those expert hands of yours might be just what the doctor ordered. [slyly] Let's do it in my bedroom, shall we?14:34
Frasier
What kept you? [Daphne murmurs] Daphne, here, just help me out of this robe, please. I nearly killed myself putting it on.14:53
Daphne
[breathes] Here we go! Now, remember, your back's very tender, so no sudden movements.15:15
Daphne
You know, I'm catching a draft in this robe, perhaps I better change.15:41
Frasier
I'll be waiting!15:45
Daphne
[looks back in disgust] Ooh!15:48
Martin
Hey, Fras.15:54
Frasier
Yes, Dad.15:54
Martin
Did Daphne tell you?15:57
Frasier
Tell me what?15:57
Martin
She found out Niles has a thing for her.16:00
Frasier
What?16:01
Martin
Yes.16:01
Frasier
How?!16:03
Martin
Well, she said she overheard him earlier saying how much he loves her.16:03
Frasier
Oh, dear God, no wonder she's been so distracted. What did you say, did you confirm it?16:07
Martin
Well, yes, I said I knew about it.16:10
Frasier
Oh, Dad...16:13
Martin
Well come on, what else was I going to say?! And then I told her it was none of my business and I took off out of there.16:13
Frasier
[thinks] Wait a minute! How did she even see Niles today?16:20
Martin
I don't know, but she said she overheard him saying he loves her and that he wanted to tell her while he still has the chance.16:25
Frasier
[realizes] Oh, no!16:32
Martin
What?16:32
Frasier
I said that.16:35
Martin
[groans] Oh, not you now!16:36
Frasier
No, no, no, Dad, not that. I was just doing a little exercise to try and help my back and I was talking out loud about how much I was going to miss Daphne. She must have overheard me and misunderstood.16:36
Martin
Who were you talking to?16:49
Frasier
If you must know, I was talking to Eddie.16:55
Martin
[smirks] Helps, doesn't it!16:59
Frasier
Oh, stop it. Thanks to you, now Daphne thinks I'm in love with her. Here I am asking her for a massage, how is she expected to interpret that?!16:59
Martin
[noticing her] Hard to say! [exits]17:12
Frasier
Oh, Lord.17:15
Daphne
Just take a deep breath and try to relax.17:15
Frasier
Daphne...17:19
Daphne
Let's both do that, shall we? [breathes deeply]17:19
Frasier
Daphne, Dad told me that you overheard me.17:19
Daphne
He did?17:24
Frasier
Yes.17:24
Daphne
Well, I certainly picked the wrong person to confide in.17:26
Frasier
No, no, no, I'm glad he told me, because the truth is you misunderstood. You see, when I said how much I cared about you, I didn't mean it in a romantic sense.17:29
Daphne
[hopeful] Then you don't love me?17:40
Frasier
Oh, no, of course I love you, Daphne, but as a friend, that's all!17:40
Daphne
Oh thank God! What a relief! I mean I was flattered, but... [laughs]17:44
Frasier
That's fine, off you go... [his head spins] Oh my, my head.17:51
Daphne
It must be those pills. Come on, let me give you that massage while you can still feel it.17:59
Frasier
All right.18:05
Frasier
You know, Daph, we really are going to miss you around here.18:16
Daphne
It's going to be hard for me too. Something I haven't even wanted to think about - leaving. I know I grumble a bit, but I do love you and your father. I'll still come around though, we'll still see each other.18:20
Frasier
You know what?18:36
Daphne
What's that, Dr. Crane?18:36
Frasier
Dad's chair.18:40
Daphne
I'm not taking it with me if that's where you're heading. [laughs]18:42
Frasier
It's so comfortable!18:46
Daphne
You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you? [pause] You know what's curious, though?18:49
Frasier
Cats!18:56
Daphne
[laughs] Yes! But I'm talking about our little mix-up. When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?19:01
Frasier
Oh that... he meant Niles!19:17
Daphne
What?19:24
Frasier
Niles... he's crazy about you!19:24
Daphne
[transfixed in mental conflict] Dr. Crane? [then to Frasier] Dr. Crane!19:32
Martin
[v.o. as Eddie] Come on, Rrr'irthday Boy. Wakey, Wakey, time for Cakey!19:43
Frasier
Dear God! Has a year passed already?19:50
Daphne
[putting on her hat] Please, the elastic's pinching behind my ears!19:56
Martin
Oh, come on, it's just for a couple of hours.19:58
Daphne
It's pulling my hair!19:58
Martin
You don't hear Eddie complaining, do you? [v.o. as Eddie] I rr'uv my hat!20:01
Daphne
You know, I'm this close to breaking that thing into a million pieces!20:07
Frasier
Well, isn't this festive! Oh, Daphne, by the way, thank you for the massage, I think it did just the trick.20:11
Daphne
Anytime, Dr. Crane.20:16
Frasier
Listen, just before I drifted off I'm afraid I might have said something I wish I hadn't.20:16
Daphne
[worried] Yes?20:24
Frasier
It's about Dad's chair, it may be comfortable but I still want to get it out of here.20:26
Daphne
[tense] Oh, that.20:33
Frasier
Why, I didn't say anything else I shouldn't have said, did I?20:33
Daphne
Well... [then] No, no. And don't worry. [points at chair] Mum's the word!20:40
Daphne
[sarcastic] I'll get it!20:49
Frasier
Why, thank you.20:49
Martin
Did you straighten things out with Daphne?20:49
Frasier
Yes, I did.20:52
Martin
Boy, that was a close one. I almost blew Niles's secret!20:54
Frasier
Would you try to be more discreet! I can't pull your chestnuts out of the fire every time!20:57
Niles
Good evening, Daphne.21:01
Daphne
[tense] Dr. Crane.21:01
Niles
You look different somehow. [covering?] Have you done something new with your hair?21:07
Niles
That must be it!21:12