Out With Dad
Aired 10th February 2000 · Written by Joe Keenan · Directed by David Lee
Roz
Hey, Martin. Happy Valentine's Day.0:09
Martin
Oh thanks, Roz. So you're with us tonight, huh?0:12
Roz
Yeah, we rented a couple of sad chick movies.0:15
Martin
Oh, it's not like you not to have a date on Valentine's Day.0:17
Roz
Tell me, I usually try for a second seating! [Martin laughs]0:20
Daphne
And you'd think that being engaged, I'd have a guaranteed date. But no! Donny had to go to Florida, his grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us.0:24
Martin
Oh, what did she do this time?0:32
Daphne
She died.0:34
Frasier
Good Lord, where is Niles? I don't want to be late for the opera.0:38
Roz
Are you going out with Niles on Valentine's Day?0:41
Frasier
Well, it's a subscription series, you see. We got these tickets months ago, we had no idea what day this fell on.0:43
Daphne
[hopeful] So Dr. Crane's not spending tonight with Mel?0:48
Frasier
No, she's going out of town, some sort of medical conference. [doorbell sounds] You know, actually I'm sorry for Niles, but I'm rather glad to be having an old-fashioned boy's night out.0:51
Niles
[into phone] I can't wait either, I'll see you in twenty minutes, Valentine. [kisses into phone and hangs up]1:02
Frasier
That had better be the seat duster in our opera box!1:08
Niles
No, it was Mel. At the last minute she decided to skip her conference.1:11
Frasier
So, I'll be going to the opera by myself?1:15
Niles
Oh, well here's a thought. If you give Mel your opera ticket then you won't have to be alone. You can stay here and watch fun movies with Roz and Daphne. [looks at titles] Ooh, "Dying Young" - it's a... classic.1:15
Frasier
I am surprised by your gall! At the last moment you not only bail on me, you expect me to give up my own ticket!1:32
Niles
Please, Frasier, put yourself in my shoes. I have to do something for Mel. Every restaurant in town's been booked for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he had to settle for two seats at the counter at "The Salad Experience!" What would you suggest I do?1:35
Frasier
Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar!1:51
Niles
[stalks to the door] May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and the stage swarming with standbys.1:57
Frasier
Get out!2:01
Frasier
He goes too far!2:05
Roz
[sarcastic] Yeah, some nerve - ditching you to spend Valentine's Day with his girlfriend.2:08
Martin
Look, Fras, I don't blame you for being a little jealous cause he's got someone and you don't...2:12
Frasier
I am not jealous, Dad, I'm simply appalled by his rudeness. I was looking forward to this evening. [pouring himself a sherry] Nice drink, lovely opera. Then a late supper, perhaps a beautiful bottle of wine, delightful desert soufflé... Oh God, I need a woman.2:15
Daphne
Remember my friend Rowena? She's much prettier since her surgery! You look at her face and you can't even tell where it used to be.2:35
Frasier
Thank you, Daphne. But actually, I already have someone in mind. You see, there's a stunning woman who comes to the opera on the same nights we do. She has the box right across from ours. We've flirted a bit from a distance. I have laughed with her during "Figaro," cried with her during "Tosca," I even had a dream about her during "Einstein On The Beach."2:45
Roz
Well, don't just stare at her, make a move!3:10
Frasier
I will, Roz. Tonight's the night. By the finalé I will have made my overture. Dad, would you please come with me?3:12
Martin
To the opera? What do you need me for?3:17
Frasier
Dad, I can't go with a woman because then she'll think I'm on a date, and if I go alone she'll think I couldn't get a date.3:18
Roz
He would look pretty pathetic.3:23
Martin
Oh, geez!3:23
Daphne
Or you could stay home with us and watch sad movies.3:26
Frasier
[reads a title] "Sophie's Choice."3:28
Martin
I'll say it is!3:28
Martin
Is she here yet?3:37
Frasier
No, not yet. That's her box over there, the empty one.3:37
Martin
Well, I'm not going to sit through a whole opera for some woman who's not even here.3:41
Frasier
Oh, for God's sake, Dad, give it a chance. You might actually learn to like it if you'd listen to one.3:45
Martin
Hey, your mother dragged to me a lot of these things when we were dating and they were all stupid. These stories make no sense whatsoever.3:48
Frasier
Oh, that is not true!3:52
Martin
Oh, all right, what's this one about?3:55
Frasier
Well, it's about Rigoletto, the hunchbacked jester in the court of the Duke. He has a daughter, Gilda, who's secretly living with him. But everyone thinks that she's his mistress. In this opening scene, Rigoletto mocks the Duke's enemy, who puts a curse on him.3:55
Martin
A cursed hunchback dating his daughter - well, nothing screwy so far!4:08
Frasier
He is not dating his daughter! Gilda is being courted by the Duke, who is disguised as a humble student.4:13
Martin
You see, that's what I mean. The whole thing's so unrealistic. Everybody's in love, pretending to be somebody they're not. And they're all swooning and gasping-4:19
Martin
Exactly, who acts that way?4:29
Frasier
Dad, she's here! She's here, and she's not on a date. That must be her mother.4:31
Martin
[looks and gasps] Wow, you're right, she is a looker all right.4:36
Frasier
All right, don't gawk, don't gawk, she'll notice.4:39
Martin
Well, I thought that was the point. You've got to get her attention.4:39
Frasier
No, Dad, please, don't wave! Just keep your eye on the stage.4:43
Martin
All right, but I bet you that gets results.4:47
Frasier
[looks] You're right, Dad, it did.4:56
Martin
[looks and gasps in horror; through a clenched jaw] Oh God, I wasn't waving at her, I was waving at the daughter!4:59
Frasier
That's not what the mother seems to think. [laughs] I think she likes you, wave back.5:04
Martin
No, I don't want to.5:07
Frasier
Wave back! You started it, wave back to her.5:07
Martin
Oh, geez! [reluctantly waves back]5:10
Martin
Hunchback's got kind of a nice voice, but the daughter's kinda screechy!5:16
Frasier
Yes, well, she's no Renata Tebaldi. Gosh, I don't see them, do you?5:20
Martin
Oh, I bet you the old one's in the ladies room putting on more war paint!5:25
Frasier
Here they are. Just try to be nice, Dad! If you are rude to the mother you will ruin my chances with the daughter! [they come over] Well, we finally meet.5:29
Emily
I feel like we're practically old friends.5:37
Helen
I'm Helen Browning, this is my daughter, Emily.5:41
Frasier
I'm Frasier Crane, this is my father, Martin.5:44
Frasier
Well, can we get you some champagne?5:51
Emily
Oh, we'd love it, thanks.5:51
Martin
Oh well, let me give you a hand.5:55
Frasier
No, no, you know what, Dad, we can manage. Er, why don't you two stay and have a nice little chat?5:55
Helen
Lovely production, isn't it? I adore Verdi.6:03
Martin
Oh, he's my favorite.6:07
Helen
Though the woman singing Gilda's a bit off.6:10
Martin
She's no Renata Tebaldi.6:14
Helen
You know, if you like Verdi so much, I happen to have a spare ticket to "Aida" next week.6:17
Martin
Oh, that sounds great, but, er, if it's a week from tonight, I'm busy, I'm sorry.6:21
Helen
Actually, it's next Thursday.6:25
Martin
Oh, Thursday? Oh, you know there's this thing at my... at my wine club.6:27
Helen
That's all right, Martin, we just met, I shouldn't have asked.6:33
Martin
No, no, no, Helen, it's got nothing to do with you, it's me. I'm afraid I've given you the wrong impression of myself. You see, the truth is, I'm... [thinks]6:37
Helen
Gay.6:43
Martin
Uh, right, gay.6:50
Helen
I thought you might be. How many straight men remember Renata Tebaldi?6:53
Martin
[looks over at Frasier] Not many! [laughs]6:59
Helen
Well, I'm sorry if I was too forward, it's just that sometimes it's so hard to meet nice men.7:02
Martin
Tell me! [laughs]7:07
Frasier
Here we are, Dad. Actually, good news, Emily has agreed to join me for a night cap after the opera. Cast her eye over my African art collection.7:11
Frasier
Oh, well...7:23
Helen
Very nice meeting you.7:23
Martin
Nice meeting you, too.7:24
Frasier
[to Emily] I'll see you later.7:26
Frasier
So how did it go with Helen? You didn't offend her, did you?7:28
Martin
No, not at all. It turns out I'm not her type.7:31
Emily
Well?7:35
Helen
Opera Queen.7:35
Emily
Oh, sorry.7:37
Helen
Still, you know who he'd be perfect for?7:38
Emily
[excited] Yes! You know, he's here tonight! I'll bring him.7:41
Frasier
Right, Dad, we better hurry up. Don't want to miss the second act.7:47
Martin
Oh, who cares? It'll be just more goofy stuff that never happens in real life.7:50
Daphne
How was the opera?8:02
Frasier
Lovely. Get out! [turns television off]8:02
Roz
Hey, that movie's not over.8:06
Frasier
Too bad, Roz. There's a stunning woman on her way over here, I don't want her thinking I'm running some sort of maudlin sorority house. Now, come on, shake a leg.8:06
Roz
[stands] You actually spoke to her, you didn't wimp out?8:14
Frasier
You have never seen me so suave.8:16
Roz
[goes to door] Some Valentine's Day! First my date bails on me and now I owe Daphne fifty bucks!8:17
Martin
[to his beer] Well, hello there. Will you be my "Ballantine"?8:25
Frasier
Dad, will you go get a glass, please?8:29
Martin
Oh, all right. [exits to kitchen]8:29
Frasier
[doorbell sounds] And drink it quickly. The last thing I need tonight is some third wheel cramping my style.8:33
Edward
Hello! [laughs]8:37
Frasier
Hello.8:37
Emily
I hope you don't mind. Edward here was at the opera too, he's my partner.8:39
Frasier
[miffed] Your partner?8:43
Edward
At the gallery. I'm also her uncle.8:45
Frasier
Oh, [laughs] when you said partner, I thought you meant romantic partner.8:47
Edward
[horse laughs] Hardly!8:51
Frasier
I'm Frasier.8:54
Edward
[enters] Pleasure. What a marvelous view! [goes upstage] May I?8:54
Frasier
Yes, please.8:59
Emily
Your father, is he dating anyone at the moment?9:02
Frasier
Well, no, but if you're thinking about your mother, I'm afraid they're not really right for each other.9:07
Emily
[laughs] Yes, I know. I meant Edward.9:13
Frasier
[surprised] Your uncle?9:20
Emily
Yes.9:20
Frasier
...and my father?9:23
Emily
They're both single, they love opera and they were both married with kids when they came out of the closet. Your dad told my mother all about it.9:25
Frasier
Oh, did he?9:35
Emily
Well, she asked him out and he had to be honest with her. 9:37
Martin
Hi, there.9:40
Frasier
Yes, nothing like a little honesty to diffuse an awkward situation.9:40
Martin
Hi there, how are you?9:47
Frasier
[taking Emily's coat] Let me take your coat. Dad, this is Edward, Emily's uncle, he's her partner in her art gallery. Er, Edward, this is my father, Martin.9:47
Edward
[shaking hands] Pleased to meet you, Martin.9:56
Martin
Same here, and my friends call me Marty.9:56
Edward
Then Marty it is! I love what you've done with this place, it's the perfect blend of sleek elegance and [pointedly at chair] audacious whimsy!10:00
Martin
Oh, you like it, huh? Do you know, Edward's my favorite name.10:12
Edward
Really?10:17
Martin
Yes, I even called my dog Eddie. [calls] Eddie! [Eddie rushes in] Here he is.10:17
Emily
Oh, a Jack Russell! He loves Jack Russells.10:22
Edward
I have three of them. [to Eddie] All girls.10:26
Martin
Oh, well, we ought to get them together. Who knows, maybe a little romance'll bloom. [Edward reacts]10:28
Frasier
You know, Dad, maybe we should go fetch our new friends some drinks.10:37
Emily
I'd love some white wine.10:41
Martin
How about you, Ed?10:41
Edward
Why not a beer?10:44
Martin
Oh, a man after my own heart.10:44
Frasier
Boy, you are really something!10:52
Martin
What?10:52
Frasier
You actually told Emily's mother that you were gay.10:56
Martin
Well, you said not to offend her, I thought that was a pretty good way to get her to cool her jets without hurting her feelings.10:59
Frasier
Dad, there's something you don't understand. You see, she told Emily.11:05
Martin
She got a problem with it?11:08
Frasier
Oh no, she's pretty okay with it.11:11
Martin
Oh, I get it, you're worried she'll know I'm straight, find out I've been lying to her mother.11:11
Frasier
Dad...11:17
Martin
Well, don't worry about it, I'll gay it up a little.11:17
Martin
Emily, have I told you I love your hair.11:25
Emily
Thank you, Martin.11:29
Martin
It's di-vine. [sits on couch next to Edward]11:31
Emily
[looks at knickknacks] Frasier, these pieces are wonderful, you've exquisite taste!11:37
Martin
Oh, he gets that from me. Yes, it was worth all the hours I dragged him around to the museums and the antiques shops teaching him about art and, you know... upholstery.11:40
Edward
Were you in the arts?11:57
Martin
Oh, well, actually, Ed-11:57
Frasier
Dad was a cop.12:00
Edward
Really? [nudges him] The, er, uniform and everything? [laughs]12:02
Martin
Yeah, in fact, er, that's what happened to my hip. I took a bullet trying to break up a robbery. Yeah, I called for back-up but it never showed up.12:09
Emily
[sighs in sympathy] Because you were gay.12:18
Martin
[takes her hand] Don't think I didn't wonder about that!12:20
Martin
Yes, that was the day I came out. Lying in that alley, covered with blood, bullet in my hip and I said, "That's it! I'm gay, I like myself and I'm not living a lie anymore."12:30
Edward
I had exactly the same experience when I came out.12:45
Edward
Not, exactly, perhaps. Yours was a bullet in the hip. For me, it was a Lufthansa steward named Gunther.13:01
Emily
[holds Frasier's hand] What did I tell you? I knew they'd hit it off.13:12
Frasier
[laughs] Yes, I had a feeling myself.13:14
Martin
And you didn't say a word, you scamp! Er, Frasier, why don't you come help me get some snacks for everybody?13:17
Frasier
All right, if you'll excuse us.13:27
Martin
You didn't tell me this was a set-up!13:30
Frasier
Well, how blind can you be, Dad? He didn't seem gay to you?13:30
Martin
He's English, they all seem gay.13:33
Frasier
Lord!13:36
Martin
Well, we're just going to have to tell him the truth.13:36
Frasier
Oh, what? You found her mother so unattractive you pretended to be gay?! Dad, Emily is the most fabulous woman I have met in ages. If you screw this up for me, I will never forgive you, so just be nice, all right?13:39
Martin
But what if he asks me for a date?13:48
Frasier
I have news for you: You're on a date!13:50
Frasier
Daphne!13:54
Edward
We've just been chatting with your delightful physical therapist, Marty.13:54
Daphne
Oh, he's a charmer, this one. [Edward laughs modestly; to Martin] Now, aren't you glad you went to the opera? [to Emily] I keep telling him he should get out more, meet people. Most nights he just sits here alone watching the telly.13:59
Emily
[re: Edward] He's the exact same way. He'll watch anything.14:09
Daphne
[re: Martin] With him it's mostly sports. Just give him a bunch of sweaty men chasing each other around the field and he...14:12
Frasier
Daphne! [drags her to the kitchen] Where are we keeping the Camembert these days?14:17
Daphne
[protesting] Same place we always do.14:23
Frasier
[pushes her into kitchen] Get in the kitchen!14:23
Emily
You were smart to hire a woman for physical therapy. Much safer than a man. Edward sprained his leg last year.14:26
Edward
All right, Emily.14:32
Emily
I never trusted that man.14:32
Edward
[annoyed] All right, Emily.14:35
Emily
And why you loaned him your boat...14:35
Edward
[angry] All right, Emily!14:38
Frasier
Here we are.14:49
Emily
Thank you, Frasier. I would love to see the rest of the apartment, if it's no trouble.14:49
Frasier
Why, that's no trouble at all.14:56
Martin
[worried] Frasier, can I just...14:58
Frasier
Now, Dad, don't worry. I will close the door to your room. [to Edward] You should see it whenever he gets ready for the opera - clothes everywhere!14:58
Daphne
Well, I'm off to bed.15:08
Martin
Oh, no, no, no, Daph. Daphne, why don't you join us?15:10
Daphne
[trying to contain her laughter] Oh, no, no: Three's a crowd! [exits in a giggle]15:14
Edward
So.15:22
Martin
So...15:24
Edward
Our loved ones seem determined to thrust us together.15:26
Martin
Well, don't let them pressure you.15:29
Edward
Congratulations, Marty, on having raised such a splendid son. I envy you your bond. [Martin gets nervous]15:36
Martin
Do you have kids?15:46
Edward
Just one, George. He's thirty-five and he has consecrated his life [in horror] to bowling. I join him when I can, but...15:46
Martin
You're not wild about it.15:56
Edward
No. I mean, oh, the shoes! Strange isn't it, the things we'll do to be close to our children.15:58
Martin
Oh, yeah. I've let Frasier drag me to all kinds of places I didn't want to go to, just so that I could spend some time with him. You know, sometimes it's hard to humor your kids but...16:07
Edward
[puts his arm on the couch] It's what we do, we're fathers.16:18
Martin
Exactly.16:20
Edward
Marty, would you be free for dinner sometime?16:23
Martin
Oh, gee, I, er...16:28
Edward
No, it's all right, never mind.16:30
Martin
No, no, no, I'd love to, it's just that...16:32
Edward
No need to explain.16:35
Martin
No, no, really. It's not you, you're a great guy, it's just that I'm... [obviously contrived] dating someone!16:35
Edward
Marty, you don't have to spare my feelings.16:46
Martin
No, no, really, it's true.16:49
Niles
Hello.16:51
Martin
Darling! [hugs Niles]16:51
Niles
I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?17:01
Martin
Oh, not a thing, honey. Just take off your coat and stay a while.17:03
Niles
Okay. [does so] I felt bad about that squabble earlier so I dropped off this little peace offering.17:09
Martin
[takes wine] As if I could stay mad at you. Er, this is my boyfriend, Niles. Niles, this is Edward, we met at the opera tonight.17:17
Edward
Delighted.17:30
Niles
[confused] Hello.17:30
Edward
You needn't look so startled. I can assure you, there's nothing funny going on.17:31
Niles
Oh, good.17:36
Martin
Well, why don't we go put this on ice?17:40
Frasier
Of course the finest Gilda ever sung was by the great Mathilde DeCagny. I actually have a recording.17:46
Emily
I'd love to hear it.17:53
Frasier
Where's Dad?17:57
Edward
He's in the kitchen with his boyfriend.17:57
Frasier
Oh! [confused] Niles, what brings you here?18:02
Martin
Well, it's my place too! [laughs] I can have company if I want. Emily, this is Niles.18:10
Emily
[coldly] Hello.18:20
Niles
Hi.18:20
Emily
[aside to Frasier] Em, I didn't realize your father was seeing someone.18:21
Frasier
No, actually, I didn't think he was. Since when were you two an item?18:24
Martin
Two weeks now. We didn't say anything about it, yet, because, well... [looks at Niles for an excuse]18:31
Niles
So many reasons.18:38
Edward
You know, it's getting late, Emily.18:41
Emily
Oh yes, we should be going.18:41
Frasier
No, no, please, please, stay for just five more minutes. I have a very special old port that I'd love for you to sample.18:45
Frasier
How can you do this to me?18:57
Niles
This was not my idea!18:57
Frasier
Niles, Emily just kissed me in the bedroom and now she's leaving. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.19:01
Niles
You're embarrassed?! They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane!19:06
Frasier
You've got to fix this!19:14
Niles
Oh, and how am I supposed to do that?19:14
Frasier
Well, isn't it obvious? You've got to dump Dad!19:17
Frasier
Here you are. Really, you must try this. So, Niles, actually, you missed a splendid evening at the opera.19:21
Niles
Well, maybe I can catch it this weekend with Mel.19:32
Martin
["jealous"] Oh, and who's Mel?19:34
Niles
["exploding"] Damn you and your jealous questions, you don't own me!19:36
Martin
Niles, I was only asking!19:44
Niles
[walks to door] You're always asking, badgering, spying on me! Well, I won't be suffocated anymore. I'm tired of being your trophy boy! It's over, you hear me? Over! [haughty sniff] And I'm keeping the jewelry!19:46
Frasier
[nearly laughing] Oh, Dad, I'm so sorry.20:05
Emily
If there's anything we can do...20:12
Martin
No, I'll be all right, I... I guess I always knew it wouldn't last.20:12
Edward
Marty, the young ones never stay.20:20
Emily
I know what will cheer you up, that "Rigoletto" recording.20:25
Frasier
Oh yes, splendid.20:29
Edward
You know, Emily, I'd love to hear it but that shipment is arriving bright and early. [stands]20:29
Emily
[disheartened] Oh, right. Frasier, I wish I could stay, but I'm Edward's ride.20:35
Frasier
Yes, what a shame. Well, I guess this is good night, then-20:42
Martin
[stands] No, no, wait a minute. Emily, em, why don't you just stay here with Frasier and enjoy the music. [gets his coat] I'll give Edward a ride home.20:45
Frasier
You would do that, Dad?20:56
Martin
Happy Valentine's Day, son.20:59
Frasier
[overjoyed] Thanks, Dad.21:02
Martin
All right, good night.21:02
Emily
It was so sweet of your father to do that. He really loves you, doesn't he?21:10
Frasier
You have no idea.21:19