Whine Club
Aired 24th February 2000 · Written by Bob Daily & Jon Sherman · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Clare
How's your coffee?0:08
Martin
Good, good. Yours?0:10
Clare
Very nice.0:13
Martin
That's good.0:15
Clare
[then] Marty, we have no reason to be uncomfortable. We're two consenting adults.0:17
Martin
What about your husband? He never consented!0:25
Clare
Stan loved you Martin, and he loved me. If anything, he's up in heaven right now, watching us and smiling.0:28
Martin
You don't think he was watching the whole time, do you?0:35
Clare
Not if heaven gets ESPN! [they laugh] Now, stop feeling guilty.0:39
Martin
Okay.0:42
Frasier
Oh, Dad.0:46
Martin
[worried] Oh, Fras'. You remember Clare Wojadubakowski?0:46
Frasier
Yes, of course, hello, Mrs. Wojadubakowski, good to see you again. Gosh, I'm sorry again about your loss.0:50
Clare
Thank you.0:54
Frasier
He was a good man, your husband. [Martin's guilt starts] Dad's often said if it weren't for Stan, he wouldn't have made it through the academy, isn't that right?0:57
Martin
[guilty] That's right.1:02
Frasier
Didn't he lend you the money for your first car?1:02
Martin
Yeah, he did.1:04
Frasier
Oh course, we all owe him for introducing Dad to Mom.1:07
Martin
Oh, God!1:10
Clare
You know, Marty, I think we better go.1:12
Frasier
Of course, well, Clare it's lovely seeing you again. Em, please give my regards to your son, Martin.1:15
Martin
Oh, God!1:20
Frasier
Oh hi, Roz. Why don't you join me?1:26
Roz
Well, aren't you here with Niles?1:28
Frasier
No, actually I haven't been seeing much of Niles lately. He spends all his time with Mel.1:30
Roz
Well, that's what happens at the beginning of relationships. [to waiter] Can I have a decaf latte, please?1:32
Frasier
[to waiter] Yes, and I'll have my usual, thank you. [waiter leaves] Yes, I do hope he hasn't forgotten me completely. We have wine club tonight, I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster."1:37
Roz
But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?1:49
Frasier
Corkmaster's the most prestigious position in our club. If elected, I plan to have vertical tastings and guest speakers, perhaps even a trip to Portugal where some of the world's finest corks come from.1:54
Roz
I wish I had a cork right now!2:04
Frasier
Very funny, Roz. You know what, I do hope Niles shows up. You know, Mel has a way of making him change his mind at the last minute. You know, I think she's a bit manipulative.2:07
Roz
Based on what?2:17
Frasier
Oh, I don't know, I've a feeling.2:19
Roz
So you really don't know her that well.2:22
Frasier
That's true. You know, I really haven't given her much of a chance, I suppose. I suppose I could put together a little get-to-know-you event, a Sunday brunch perhaps?2:25
Roz
There you go.2:34
Frasier
Yes, it's a good idea, Roz. Of course, I don't want to make it seem like she's under the family microscope. You know, maybe you could come along.2:34
Roz
I guess I could.2:42
Frasier
Great.2:42
Roz
Oh, and by Sunday you'll be Corkman.2:43
Frasier
Cork-MASTER, thank you, Roz. [laughs] Actually, I won't know until after the election tonight. But you know, I'll let you know.2:47
Roz
Or I could just look up into the sky for the cork signal!2:53
Frasier
Very amusing, Roz.2:57
Roz
If you win, I'd love a ride in the cork-mobile.2:58
Frasier
All right, Roz!3:00
Mel
[o.s.] Niles! [enters] Oh, don't you look dashing. I've brought you a nice bottle of Cheval Blanc to impress the wine club. Mrs. Briggs gave it to me as a thank-you after her last face-lift.3:08
Niles
[looks at bottle] '61! I don't believe it!3:24
Mel
Yes, that's what they're saying about Mrs. Briggs!3:26
Niles
Oh, this is the perfect occasion for me to bring this wine. We're electing a new president tonight.3:30
Mel
Oh?3:33
Niles
Yes, and I promised Frasier I'd nominate him. Oh, did I mention, brunch at Frasier's tomorrow?3:35
Mel
Oh yes, darling. Well, I'm so happy my rare, expensive bottle will benefit your brother. Oh, that tie's all wrong, let me.3:40
Niles
Yes, of course, of course.3:45
Niles
Yes, well, ever since the day he joined the wine club, Frasier's dreamed of becoming corkmaster. [she picks out a tie] Oh, good choice!3:49
Mel
I think it's wonderful. I really do: helping your brother win this prestigious post.3:57
Niles
Well, Frasier, deserves it.4:02
Mel
Because he knows more about wine than you do?4:03
Niles
I wouldn't say that.4:06
Mel
Well, he's probably been in the club longer?4:07
Niles
No, actually, I sponsored his membership.4:10
Mel
Oh, well, so you've never wanted that honor for yourself?4:12
Niles
Well, I wouldn't say never. Who hasn't nursed the dream of one day becoming corkmaster?4:16
Mel
Oh, I'm sure Frasier at least asked if you were interested. [puts tie onto him]4:22
Niles
Now that you mention it, no he didn't.4:27
Mel
Oh, and you don't resent it? Well, you see, that's why I love you, because most people would. I would, bitterly, but then I'm not you and I don't know what's best for you and... now the jacket's all wrong. [takes it off him]4:32
Niles
Do you think I should call him on this?4:47
Mel
[getting another jacket] Please, the last thing I want to do is come between you and your brother.4:49
Niles
He knows perfectly well how much I've coveted this post. I distinctly confided my aspirations to him the night Jud Riverton fell off the ferry after the spring tasting!4:53
Mel
Well, I'm sure he just forgot.5:02
Niles
No, no, don't defend him. Here. [lets her put the jacket on] He's always putting himself first and I always let him.5:02
Mel
Why, Niles?5:10
Niles
Oh, I don't know, I think perhaps it's because...5:10
Mel
I'll tell you why: because you can't see yourself for what you really are! [holds him up into the mirror] You are a powerful, sexy, dynamic, colossus of a man. In other words, perfect corkmaster.5:12
Niles
[looking at himself] I am, aren't I?5:36
Mel
And don't let anyone, anyone ever take that away from you.5:39
Mel
Now, that's all I want to say, because I love you and I don't want to meddle.5:47
Frasier
Oh, Niles, finally, you're here.5:56
Niles
Yes, sorry I'm late.5:56
Frasier
Oh, that's all right, it's just that the nominations are about to begin. Now listen, this is what I thought we would do. After you nominate me, I will demure modestly for a moment and then I'll say something like...5:58
Niles
I want to be corkmaster.6:05
Frasier
Well, that's a bit artless, don't you think?6:08
Niles
No, no: I want to be corkmaster too. I covet this post as much as you do, I always have, and I think I deserve a shot at it.6:11
Frasier
But Niles, I've been campaigning for this all week, I was counting on you to nominate me.6:18
Niles
And I will, I'm just hoping that you'll return the favor. Unless that is you're afraid of a little competition.6:22
Master
Can I have your attention? My friends, as outgoing corkmaster, I would like to thank those who stuck with me during the ugly days of Spritzer-gate, but the time has come to pass the tasting cup. Are there any nominations? [Niles raises his hand] Niles.6:29
Niles
It's a honor and a privilege to nominate my brother, Frasier Crane.6:48
Master
Right, any others?6:53
Frasier
[after some nudging] Yes, I would like to reciprocate and nominate my brother, Niles Crane.6:56
Master
Are there any further nominations? [no-one raises a hand] Well then, a show of hands, please, for those in favor of Frasier Crane. [they do and he counts - including Niles's proud hand] Fourteen. And those in favor of Niles Crane? [they do - however Frasier does not raise his hand] Thirteen. [Niles stares at Frasier until he raises his hand] Oh, fourteen. It's a tie. If only out venerable founder, Virgil Hepplewhite was here to guide us.7:06
Virgil
[out of nowhere] I'm over here.7:36
Master
[crowd moves back] Oh, sorry, Virgil, I didn't see you. So, em, what is the procedure?7:39
Virgil
[stands] Blind taste of five bottles.7:47
Frasier
Oh for God's sake, Niles. The wine spent less time in the bottle! [Niles spits and writes down his prediction]8:00
Master
All right, gentlemen, you have correctly identified the first three wines, let's see if number four can break the tie. Niles?8:05
Niles
It was ripe, round and thoroughly seductive. I said Australian Shiraz. [holds up his card]8:11
Master
Ah, and Frasier, what did you think?8:19
Frasier
Well, contrary to my brother I thought it was dark, dusky and supple, but I also said Australian Shiraz." [holds up card]8:19
Master
You're both right, we're still tied. [applause]8:30
Frasier
Well, Niles, this is the moment of truth. Don't choke.8:34
Niles
Please, prepare to be stomped like a late harvest Gevertstremener!8:37
Master
Gentlemen?9:02
Niles
It was jammy, plummy, dense and chewy. There is no doubt in my mind that it was a Napa Valley Merlot. [holds up card]9:04
Master
You, Frasier.9:18
Frasier
A nice big wine with excellent heft. It's Napa all right, but as I always say, why go Merlot when you can call a Cab? [holds up card]9:18
Master
I thought this bottle might trip you up. Gentlemen, it's actually a blend. A forty-five percent Cabernet...9:31
Frasier
And?!9:39
Master
And... fifty five percent Merlot! Niles wins by ten percent.9:39
Frasier
Well, Niles, congratulations, obviously the better man won.9:51
Niles
Frasier, please...9:53
Frasier
No, Niles, don't be modest.9:56
Niles
No, I wasn't, they're starting my inauguration.9:56
Club
Hail corkmaster, The master of the cork, He knows which wine goes with fish or pork! Hail corkmaster, The master of the cork...10:01
Frasier
You know, the whole purpose of this brunch is to get to know Mel better, but it just hurts the hell out of me preparing a sumptuous brunch for Niles after the way he betrayed me at the wine club.10:18
Roz
Oh, would you shut up about that corkmaster thing! I already hate you for putting that song in my head!10:26
Martin
Okay, it's all clear.10:34
Martin
[picks up chili bowl] Thanks for dropping off my tupperware.10:41
Clare
Oh, oh, it's no trouble at all. I was headed out to church this morning... and I thought, "Oh, Marty's right on the way."10:44
Martin
[snaps out of it] What's the matter with us?10:49
Clare
Oh, Martin, we have done nothing wrong. I mean, maybe we were a little impetuous, but that's no crime.10:53
Martin
Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, listen, thanks for dropping by, and I'll call you.11:01
Frasier
Mrs. Wojadubakowski.11:08
Martin
Yeah, look who just came here! Look who it is. [drags her back]11:08
Frasier
I didn't even hear the doorbell ring, what brings you here?11:15
Martin
Oh, [looks for excuse] she just brought me back my chili bowl. Well thanks a lot, and I'll see you later.11:18
Frasier
No, Dad, where are your manners? Why don't you join us for brunch, Clare? I insist. I'm not sure that we'll be able to give you a treat as spicy as the one that Dad gave you but...11:24
Clare
Yes, he does make very good chili!11:38
Frasier
Isn't that flattering, Dad? You know what, I think someone wants seconds!11:38
Martin
Frasier, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute?11:47
Frasier
Yes, of course. Clare, you make yourself at home.11:47
Frasier
Oh, splendid idea, Roz; Bloody Marys. You know, why don't you offer one of those to Clare?11:54
Martin
Oh, I don't think she's got time.11:59
Daphne
I'll ask her.11:59
Daphne
[o.s.] Mrs. Wojadubakowski, Mr. Crane was wondering if you had time for a quick one.12:01
Martin
[agitated] Look, Frasier, there's something you should know about me and Clare: we just slept together.12:11
Frasier
Are you sure? She just got here two minutes ago.12:19
Martin
She was here earlier. I just don't know what came over us. We just couldn't keep our hands off each other, we were like animals or sex-crazed teenagers.12:23
Frasier
Well, what's wrong with that?12:30
Martin
Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with that, she's Stan's widow. I mean, he didn't even like it when I borrowed his lawn mower!12:30
Frasier
Dad, listen, Stan's been gone a while now. I mean, you're not teenagers, you're two mature people reaching out for some companionship. I think it's adorable. [doorbell sounds]12:38
Martin
Adorable?!12:45
Daphne
Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane.12:49
Niles
Hello, Daphne. [looks] My, isn't that a beautiful outfit.12:49
Daphne
[falling over herself] Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane, how sweet.12:52
Mel
[on cell phone] So just beep me if you need me.12:56
Niles
Greetings all. Mel, I think you know everyone.12:59
Niles
Oh, Mrs. Wojadubakowski, what a nice surprise. This is Mel Karnovsky.13:03
Mel
Hello.13:06
Clare
It's a pleasure to meet you. [stands] Martin, I really have to be getting to church.13:07
Martin
Oh, yeah, sure, okay. Well, I'll just walk you out.13:12
Niles
You know what, by the way, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.13:15
Clare
Thank you, thank you.13:17
Niles
I understand Dad's been doing what he can to fill the void.13:19
Roz
Can I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel?13:27
Mel
Not for me. It's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think?13:27
Roz
Not anymore. [pours herself a large one]13:32
Mel
Niles, let's get this foie gras box in the refrigerator. [notices Eddie has his head in the bag] Oh, hello, Eddie. Or should I say goodbye?13:34
Martin
Huh?13:40
Mel
Well, Martin, I'm sure you'll be locking Eddie out on the balcony if people are going to be eating here.13:40
Martin
Well, I'll tell you who I'd like to lock out on the balcony-13:46
Roz
Oh please, let it be me!13:51
Frasier
Now, now, maybe I remind you that we're having this little bruncheon in order to get acquainted with Mel. We owe it to Niles to give her a chance.13:55
Daphne
I agree with Dr. Crane, we should all have another Bloody Mary. [pours one]14:02
Frasier
I didn't say that!14:08
Daphne
It was implied.14:08
Mel
[enters with Niles a bottle of wine] Oh, Frasier, I almost forgot. The corkmaster and I brought this along for you. [hands over bottle]14:11
Frasier
Oh, well, thank you very much, that's a lovely bottle. I guess Niles must have told you about his eleventh hour victory.14:17
Mel
Ah, yes, and I'm so proud of him.14:23
Niles
Let's give credit where credit's due, to Mel. [kisses her]14:25
Frasier
To Mel?14:29
Niles
Well, yes, it was her idea that I should run.14:30
Frasier
Really? Well, perhaps I'll just put this around the corner before the cork flies out and hits someone. 14:33
Mel
So, after all these years of doing tummy tucks and liposuctions, I can look at a fully clothed person and see exactly what they look like naked. [everyone becomes self- conscious] I can see every sag, droop, ripple and pucker. It's like X-ray vision.14:42
Roz
How interesting. [walks to kitchen holding her stomach in] I think I'll go check on breakfast.15:00
Frasier
[tensing his muscles] Let me give you a hand with that.15:07
Roz
When you invited me, did you say "brunch for Mel" or "brunch from Hell"?15:15
Frasier
That woman is unbearable.15:20
Martin
[enters] Well, guess who's allergic to Eddie?15:23
Frasier
Oh, Lord.15:23
Martin
She wants a glass of water to take her pill with. [fills a glass] Boy, do you know what I can't stand? All that "sweetie, dearie, darling" stuff. I've never met anyone so phony! [Mel enters] Hello, dear, here's your water. [hands it over]15:26
Mel
Thank you, Martin. Well, Frasier, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I just got beeped by my service and I have to go.15:37
Frasier
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry.15:46
Mel
Thank you for brunch though, thanks for inviting me. It's such a civilized way to spend an afternoon.15:47
Daphne
"With her head tucked underneath her arm/ she walks the bloody tower!" - You know who that song's about, don't you?15:53
Mel
Bloody Mary?16:01
Daphne
Oh, don't mind if I do! [picks up Bloody Mary and exits]16:01
Mel
Anyway, I better go.16:05
Niles
Darling, I have your coat. I'll walk you to the elevator.16:08
Mel
Well, thank you all for a lovely afternoon.16:11
Martin
Well, that's a blessing. Now we can enjoy our breakfast.16:18
Roz
I doubt it. I was only allowed to make a cheese-free, mushroom-free, fat-free frittata, thanks to the girl in the plastic bubble!16:20
Daphne
I think I'll order a pizza. [takes phone into kitchen]16:31
Frasier
You know, I have half a mind to say something to Niles, he is making a terrible mistake with that woman!16:35
Martin
Frasier!16:41
Frasier
But Dad, it is Maris all over again! She's dominating him, emasculating him!16:41
Martin
Look, I don't like her anymore than you do and God knows we've been through this before. I didn't Lilith, we both didn't like Maris and you boys sure as hell didn't like Sherry, but what good did it do talking about it?16:45
Frasier
He's repeating a terrible pattern.16:54
Martin
Well he's going to repeat it whether you like it or not. And if you say anything, you're just going to drive a wedge between you. So, nobody's going to say a word!16:54
Niles
Well, it's a shame Mel had to leave.17:03
Frasier
Oh yeah, you know, we were having such a good time.17:05
Martin
Yeah, Niles.17:08
Niles
You know, I was nervous bringing her over here.17:10
Niles
I was concerned what you'd think, you know, getting to really know her for the first time. So?17:13
Roz
Ooh, I'm going to go let Eddie in. [exits to balcony]17:19
Niles
Come on, seriously, I want you to be totally honest. [Daphne enters, waiting on the phone] Tell me, what do you think of Mel?17:24
Daphne
Oh, I don't like her at all, she's bossy and fussy and mean. She's all wrong for you. [into phone] Yes, I need a large pepperoni pizza, and some cheese bread! [exits to kitchen]17:27
Martin
[stands] I'm sure she didn't mean that, Niles. [follows Daphne into kitchen]17:40
Niles
Well, that was startling.17:44
Frasier
Yes, well, don't take that seriously, Niles. [Roz enters from balcony] You know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another.17:47
Roz
Oh, that's great, I leave the room for one second and you rat me out.17:52
Frasier
No, Roz...17:57
Roz
No, it's okay, I don't have anything to hide and I'm not irrational. She's pushy, demanding and a gigantic pain in the ass! I'd dump her like radioactive waste.17:57
Niles
Well, so that's two of you in the Anti-Mel camp.18:12
Roz
[to Frasier] Oh, did you tell him what you thought of Mel too?18:16
Frasier
No, Daphne did.18:22
Roz
Oops! [exits to kitchen]18:25
Niles
Frasier?!18:28
Frasier
I just think she's Maris all over again, she's manipulative... I think you're repeating a terrible pattern.18:30
Niles
Well, isn't this neat?! We all have our individual reasons for disliking her.18:34
Niles
Hey, Dad, what's your reason for disliking Mel?18:37
Daphne
So you did tell him what you think of her and after shoving me into the kitchen and shaking your freakin' finger at me!18:39
Martin
She's crazy, Niles, I don't know what she's talking about... [Roz enters]18:48
Niles
No, no, that's all right, Dad. I, er, I asked you all to be honest and you were. [gets coat] I got my answer. You know what would have been nice? Is if one of you could have found one nice thing to say about her.18:51
Daphne
She does have that X-ray vision.19:11
Martin
Did you talk to Niles?19:24
Frasier
Em, I left a couple of messages but no answer. I think he's gonna have to stay mad for a while.19:26
Martin
Yeah, well, that was a hell of a brunch all the way round for you as well as me.19:32
Frasier
Dad, if you're talking about what happened between you and Mrs. Wojadubakowski, you have nothing to be ashamed of.19:38
Martin
Yeah, yeah, I guess.19:42
Frasier
So, you're going to see her again?19:46
Martin
Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out.19:46
Frasier
You're not still feeling guilty, are you?19:51
Martin
No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course.19:52
Frasier
Oh, well, I have a theory.19:58
Martin
Geez!20:02
Frasier
[Daphne enters and hears] No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy.20:02
Martin
Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off!20:10
Daphne
[the drink has obviously worn off] Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski?20:15
Martin
Yes, I did, isn't that adorable?20:18
Daphne
No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground.20:21
Martin
You think that was wrong?20:30
Daphne
You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed.20:30
Martin
See, I told you, Frasier.20:32
Daphne
We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by. [getting carried away as if settling a mental conflict] We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't!20:36
Frasier
Daphne?20:46
Daphne
[after a pause she tries to put it aside] Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are. [exits to her room]20:52
Frasier
Boy that was strange, wasn't it?21:02
Martin
I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me! [stands and gets coat]21:02
Frasier
Where the hell are you going?21:10
Martin
Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do!21:11