Rivals
Aired 4th November 1999 · Written by Christopher Lloyd · Directed by Katy Garretson
Poppy
Hey, Frasier!0:08
Frasier
Hello, Poppy.0:08
Poppy
You should have your hearing checked. I've been yelling "wait up!" for the last four blocks.0:10
Frasier
[excusing] Well, I must be getting old.0:14
Poppy
Like an old man can walk that fast! You were practically running the last block. Did I ever tell you about my uncle who ran everywhere? He ran to the store...0:16
Frasier
[puts his hand up] That's a very interesting story. Yes, I'll see you at the station, okay? [notices Roz at a front table] Roz!0:21
Frasier
Thank God you were here.0:27
Roz
I know exactly how you feel. Last week I ducked into a bathroom stall to get away from her and there were three other women already in there. Listen, I have a favor to ask. This friend of mine is running this charity dinner dance Friday night...0:29
Frasier
Oh, Roz, say no more. What do they need? An autographed picture for their silent auction?0:41
Roz
That would be a silent auction!0:44
Frasier
Very funny.0:46
Roz
No, what I was hoping you'd do is buy a couple of tickets. They're only a hundred bucks each.0:48
Frasier
I don't know Roz, I'd have to take a date. Seattle does have certain expectations about the sort of person I'm to be seen with.0:51
Roz
Oh, that's easy! [points out Niles who has just entered the café] Here he is! Let's see if he's free.0:56
Frasier
[playing along] I'll let you know!0:58
Niles
Mind if I join you?1:03
Frasier
Well, actually I'm not staying, I'm avoiding someone.1:03
Niles
Oh, who?1:05
Frasier
[points Poppy out] The new so-called arts critic at the station, Poppy!1:08
Niles
[knowingly] A-ha.1:12
Frasier
The woman drives me mad, she gasses on endlessly about the most mundane matters. Absolutely infuriating - [noticing Niles's grin] - as is that smirk of yours.1:12
Niles
Well, I'm sorry if I've noticed that not a day goes by that you don't badmouth this woman.1:20
Frasier
Well, with good reason. The woman is a windsock.1:25
Niles
I'm wondering if someone isn't protesting a bit too much. She's very attractive, obviously well-bred. Perhaps all this "Pigtails and Inkwells" hostility is actually a veiled attraction.1:29
Frasier
[sarcastic] Oh, bravo Dr. Crane! Yes, I think you're really on to something there.1:39
Poppy
Oh, where's Roz gone?1:42
Frasier
Oh, she dashed off to the office. We're going to continue our meeting there. You know, Poppy, I was just telling my brother what an enchanting storyteller you are. Why don't you take my seat, and he can find out for himself? [he seats her] Ta-ta.1:42
Niles
Well, nice to finally meet you, Poppy. There must be quite a story behind that name.1:58
Poppy
Yes.2:05
Niles
So... You're the new arts critic at the station, that must be interesting.2:09
Poppy
Oh, yes.2:15
Niles
Okay, well if you don't feel like talking, I should be really running along anyway. [starts to get up]2:18
Poppy
No, don't go. I am just amazed at how different you are from your brother. He's sort of intimidating, I get so flustered around him, I just start babbling. But you, you're different. You're very warm.2:22
Niles
Thank you. So are you.2:38
Poppy
Polite, not to mention stylish and charming, [getting carried away] and incredibly handsome. Oh my God! Am I babbling again?2:41
Niles
[pleased] If you were, I'd be too polite and charming to tell you. [laughs]2:53
Regan
[on phone] Well, what the hell are you doing?3:02
Regan
[on phone] I've been waiting for twenty minutes. [hangs up and then to Frasier] I am so sorry. You're probably wondering who I am.3:09
Frasier
I'm mildly curious.3:20
Regan
I got into the shower - my shower. I just moved in next door. I probably should have started with that, huh? [shakes his hand] I'm Regan Shaw, by the way. Anyway, the doorbell rang, and I figured it was the phone guy because I've been waiting all day long. I ran to catch him, and stepped out into the hallway and locked myself out. Luckily your father came along.3:23
Martin
Hey, Fras.3:47
Frasier
Yes, that was lucky.3:48
Martin
All right, well this should keep you nice and warm and I'll just run in the kitchen and get you your herbal tea.3:51
Frasier
If you'll excuse me, I'll just show my father where it's kept.3:58
Martin
Pretty sweet, eh? I found her right out in the hall.4:04
Frasier
Yes, well, I'm sorry Dad, but you can't keep her.4:07
Martin
No, I've brought her here for you. I've been talking you up the whole time.4:12
Frasier
Really?4:15
Martin
Yeah. Listen, I've served this one to you on a platter. In fact, if it wasn't for the jasmine on your robe, I'd say this one was a slam-dunk.4:15
Frasier
I'm just...4:24
Martin
It's a basketball phrase.4:24
Frasier
Yes, I know that, Dad. I want to chat up a half naked woman without looking uncouth.4:26
Martin
Well, just be friendly, you know. She's a veterinarian, she's single, she's very athletic, as you can tell from that body. And Lord... [thinks about body]4:32
Frasier
Dad!4:41
Martin
Just because you're serving the cake doesn't mean you can't have a few crumbs that drop off.4:42
Martin
Hi. Well, here we go. There you are. Now, I've got a call to make so Frasier'll keep you entertained.4:47
Regan
Thanks for the tea.4:57
Martin
Don't mention it. [exits]4:59
Frasier
So, you're next door? Oh, that's right. Judge Gilroy moved in with his daughter.5:00
Regan
I bet he never wandered into your apartment wearing a towel.5:08
Frasier
No, but I did hear he wandered into work one day wearing a towel, though. I guess that's why he had to move in with his daughter. [laughs]5:10
Martin
Looks like I walked off with your car keys. I should have known from the big [stresses and jingles the keys] BMW on it!5:17
Frasier
Thank you, Dad.5:29
Frasier
So, Regan, that's an unusual name. Is it by any chance from...5:32
Regan
From "King Lear," yeah. One of the ungrateful daughters. I don't know what my dad was thinking. Never do. I'm sorry, I have some issues with my father.5:36
Martin
[obviously prying] Excuse me again.5:47
Frasier
I have no idea what that would be like! What?!5:50
Martin
[stands around] Well, I better be on my way, huh? Just let you two talk. He's a wonderful listener. In fact, that's his motto on his very popular radio show, "I Listen."5:57
Frasier
Yes, Dad, don't forget my sign off: "Goodbye!"6:10
Regan
I actually listen to your show.6:18
Frasier
Really? Well, I'm flattered, thank you.6:20
Regan
I think if I hadn't gone into veterinary medicine it would have been psychology. Think I was just always drawn to animals.6:23
Frasier
Yes, it is hard not to love them.6:32
Martin
I just feel so responsible. Maybe there was something more I could have said, something more I could have done. I keep playing it over and over in my head.6:49
Frasier
I'll ask her out today, Dad.7:01
Daphne
Dr. Crane, do you believe women have an intuition about men?7:05
Niles
Intuition?7:09
Daphne
Like they might know when a man has a little crush.7:11
Daphne
You know, by the way he fidgets or gets a look in his eye or...7:14
Daphne
I only ask because I'm getting that feeling from your brother.7:27
Niles
[relieved] Really, huh?7:30
Daphne
He's all moony-eyed today, someone he's quite keen on.7:30
Niles
Actually I know who it is. I called him on it yesterday in the coffee shop, he won't admit to it. The problem is...7:34
Daphne
Yeah?7:40
Niles
I've developed a crush myself and it happens to be...7:43
Niles
Frasier? Whatcha doing?7:48
Frasier
Come in.7:58
Frasier
So, Niles. How are you?8:02
Niles
[hangs his coat up] Well. The question is, how are you? I hear you're been running around like a love sick schoolboy.8:04
Frasier
Who told you that?8:12
Niles
Well, let's just say that the birds around here are chirping. Anyway... are you prepared to admit that my little theory yesterday was correct?8:14
Frasier
Are you talking about Poppy?8:23
Niles
Yes, the woman you so adamantly denied having any attraction to.8:23
Frasier
I still do, she's loathsome.8:28
Niles
Does it gall you so much to admit I'm right?8:32
Frasier
But you're not right.8:34
Niles
So, well then, who is this person you're so interested in?8:36
Frasier
You don't know her.8:38
Niles
Tell me about her.8:40
Frasier
It's premature.8:40
Niles
Oh, brother!8:42
Frasier
All right, fine, if you must know. The woman happens to be...8:43
Regan
[o.s] Hello.8:47
Frasier
[whispers] Her, my next door neighbor.8:47
Niles
[not believing] Oh, what good timing she has!8:48
Frasier
Hi, come in.8:54
Regan
I just wanted to return this tea cup. [hands it over]8:55
Frasier
Oh, well, you're welcome any time. Er, Regan Shaw, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.8:57
Frasier
Do you two know each other?9:07
Regan/Niles
Yes./No.9:08
Frasier
Well, I'll just get us all some coffee and you two can decide if you know each other or not.9:11
Regan
I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane. I just was a little startled seeing you outside your office.9:20
Niles
Please, don't even think about it, have a seat. [they sit] Well, so I gather this is your new building.9:25
Regan
Yes. Right next door to your brother who I just met. Is that so strange?9:31
Niles
Yes, well, remember, I have a policy of total confidentiality. [Daphne enters] He never needs to know that you've started seeing me.9:35
Daphne
Oh, here it is.9:46
Frasier
What did you find out?9:51
Daphne
It sounded like they've had a date or two. He mentioned having seen her.9:52
Frasier
Damn him!9:55
Daphne
Come to think of it, he said something in the elevator about having a crush on someone.9:59
Frasier
Well, I just have to confront him and see if he's man enough to admit he's horned in on my territory.10:03
Daphne
Well, excuse me, Dr. Crane, but didn't your brother meet her first?10:07
Frasier
Oh, honestly, Daphne, just try to keep up. It's not that complicated!10:10
Frasier
Well, here we are.10:14
Regan
Actually, I can't stay. I've got the heating man coming.10:16
Frasier
Oh!10:19
Regan
Can I take a rain check?10:19
Frasier
Well, certainly. Would you like to go out for coffee some time?10:21
Regan
Yeah, I'd like that. Bye.10:26
Frasier
Great. Bye.10:29
Niles
[calls] Bye.10:30
Frasier
So, I do take it you two know each other.10:37
Niles
Well, we met briefly at some event. [pours a coffee]10:39
Frasier
I see. Changing the subject completely, Daphne just mentioned that you happen to have a little crush on someone yourself.10:42
Niles
[sighs] Yes, I have.10:50
Frasier
Care to elaborate?10:50
Niles
Yes, I will. Unlike you, I don't mind being candid. The woman is Poppy.10:53
Frasier
[not believing] Poppy?!11:00
Niles
We had coffee yesterday after you left. You're not upset?11:04
Frasier
No, not at all. Thank you for your candor, Niles. I'm sure you and Poppy will be very happy together. [smirks and laughs]11:09
Niles
Are you laughing at me? [rises to his feet] You think so little of my chances?11:17
Frasier
No, no, Niles. [a bad tone] I wish you and Poppy the very best!11:21
Niles
I don't need this smug attitude of yours. [gets his coat] I fully intended to discuss this amiably. You refuse, so I'll just say goodbye.11:26
Frasier
Very well, thanks for dropping by, off you go.11:32
Frasier
What kind of a fool does he take me for? He is obviously pursuing Regan, the man has the nerve to say he's chasing Poppy.11:37
Daphne
[shocked] Poppy?11:42
Frasier
Yes, as if anyone could pursue that insufferable air hoi! Well, if it's deceit and chicanery he's after, I'll give him more than he can handle.11:42
Daphne
Dr. Crane, before it gets to that level, wouldn't it make sense for you two just to have one open and honest conversation?11:51
Frasier
Honestly, Daphne, how you manage to overreact in absolutely everything!11:58
Roz
These shoes are killing me, I can't wait to sit down.12:06
Frasier
[pulls chair back] Well, you're not going to sit there.12:10
Roz
Why not? [pulls chair back]12:10
Frasier
[pulls chair back] I'm expecting someone for coffee.12:11
Roz
Well, Niles is small, we can share.12:11
Frasier
It is not Niles, will you stop saying that? I'm meeting a woman.12:15
Roz
[sits] Well, I'll move when she gets here. By the way, I still have four tickets left for that charity ball Friday night.12:18
Frasier
I'm sorry, Roz, thanks anyway.12:24
Roz
Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide disaster relief.12:24
Poppy
Hi, partners! [crosses to them] Frasier, I was leaving the booth and I found this umbrella. [hands it over] I think it belongs to you.12:29
Frasier
Yes, it's my emergency umbrella. I always leave it in the booth.12:39
Poppy
Don't feel bad, I'm forgetful too!12:44
Frasier
I think I'll just go and see what's keeping my latte. Would you watch my table please, Roz?12:50
Niles
Hello, Roz. I noticed that Poppy was here. Did she mention where she was headed?13:04
Roz
No. Listen, Niles, can I interest you in a couple of tickets for a charity ball this Friday? It's a great event.13:08
Niles
Is Frasier going?13:14
Roz
No, but do you have to go everything together?13:14
Niles
I'll take two. [does so] I'm in a hurry, I'll send you a check.13:17
Frasier
Where was Niles in such a rush off to?13:21
Roz
I have no idea. [waves tickets] Last chance, I only have two tickets left.13:23
Frasier
I thought there were four?13:27
Roz
Niles just bought a pair.13:27
Frasier
Damn him! He's probably off to intercept Regan right now.13:29
Roz
Who?13:34
Frasier
I'm sorry, Roz, I'm in a hurry. I'll write you a check for these. Enjoy the table!13:34
Poppy
This is the best kind of party. You get to dress up, have a wonderful time, and it's all for a good cause.13:41
Niles
You know it really is for an impressive organization. I've heard that within twenty-four hours of any worldwide disaster they can put together a ball. [Poppy laughs]13:47
Poppy
Oh, look it's your brother.13:56
Niles
What? Oh, so it is. Why don't you find our table and I'll get us some champagne.13:56
Poppy
Yes.14:05
Niles
Roz, you didn't tell me Frasier was going to be here.14:08
Roz
Yeah, he bought the last two tickets.14:10
Niles
After he knew I'd be here with Poppy. Obviously he wants to get a shot at her himself, he bought that pull-a-long as his beard.14:12
Roz
[shocked] Frasier's interested in Poppy?14:17
Niles
I shouldn't be surprised the subtle signs of attraction are lost on you. A woman for whom the gunning of a Harley engine is like a come-hither look.14:19
Frasier
Hello, Roz.14:30
Roz
Hi.14:30
Frasier
I see that Niles has brought himself a "date" to the evening.14:31
Roz
Yep, and you'll never guess what he thinks.14:34
Frasier
Oh, I know exactly what he thinks. He's using Poppy as his patty, steal a few minutes with Regan, try and win her for himself.14:36
Roz
That's not what he thinks.14:42
Frasier
Roz!14:42
Roz
He likes Poppy.14:44
Frasier
Dear simple, Roz. After six years of listening at my feet. Have you learnt nothing of the dark forces that move people? Open your ears!14:44
Regan
You're looking at your brother again.15:05
Frasier
Yes, I'm sorry. It's just that he keeps staring over here. For God's sakes, he hasn't paid any attention whatsoever. Can you imagine how that woman must feel?15:07
Regan
[knowingly] Yeah, women hate that.15:15
Niles
He's doing it again.15:18
Poppy
What?15:18
Niles
My brother is staring at us. Obviously thinking what a striking couple we make. In fact, let's give him something to stare at.15:20
Poppy
I'm sorry. Same toe as before.15:30
Niles
Yes, same toe as before. [laughs]15:33
Regan
What is going on with you two tonight?15:35
Frasier
All right, you'd find out sooner or later anyway. See, I know about you and Niles.15:39
Regan
You do?15:46
Frasier
Yes. But it's all right, I don't mind. It's just that, well, he's really quite smitten with you.15:46
Regan
Oh my God, really?15:56
Poppy
Do you think you're going to lose the nail?15:59
Niles
No, no, I just need to sit down.15:59
Poppy
Oh my God, I love the tango. You won't mind if I dance one with your brother?16:06
Niles
What?16:11
Frasier
Well, actually Poppy...16:11
Poppy
Oh come on, Niles can keep Regan company.16:13
Niles
You know, Regan, I'm getting a second wind. Shall we show them how it's done?16:19
Regan
Well, actually, Dr. Crane-16:25
Niles
Oh, don't be so formal. We're not doctor and patient tonight!16:25
Poppy
Your brother's quite romantic, inviting me to a ball on our very first date. He certainly doesn't waste time, does he?16:40
Frasier
No, he doesn't!16:47
Regan
You do realize that I'm interested in your brother.16:54
Niles
You mean, you're developing real feelings for him?16:58
Regan
Yeah.17:00
Niles
Well, you might think so now, but trust me: You're future's not with him. I know this is confusing. [twirls her round in a dizzy daze] You'll see everything more clearly when I've got you on the couch.17:00
Regan
[disgusted] Oh!17:18
Niles
Well, I can't take anymore of this.17:23
Niles
I have to cut in.17:26
Poppy
How romantic!17:27
Niles
[to Frasier] Yes, come with me.17:29
Niles
You should be ashamed of yourself.17:32
Frasier
Your tango wasn't so impressive, either.17:34
Niles
I'm talking about your behaviour tonight.17:37
Frasier
I won't simply stand aside and let you have the woman you want.17:39
Niles
Exactly, obviously one of us has to back off, not just tonight but permanently.17:41
Regan
Frasier, can I talk to you for a moment alone?17:46
Frasier
Well, of course, just give me one more moment with my brother.17:48
Poppy
Niles, when you're finished I'd love one more dance.17:51
Niles
Ah, I'll be right there.17:53
Niles
Well, I believe she has made her choice.17:58
Frasier
Yes, I believe she has.18:01
Regan
Frasier, I think I'd like to leave if that's all right.18:13
Frasier
Leave? Already? Well, couldn't we just have one last dance?18:15
Regan
Well, I guess. I'm just feeling a little uncomfortable.18:20
Frasier
Yes, well, I certainly don't blame you. You see, now I've spoken with him, Niles has agreed to behave himself. Now I can put all my attention on you.18:23
Regan
That is a relief. I mean, you can understand why I was kinda freaked out by all that.18:30
Regan
Right? Frasier?18:38
Frasier
He's a brave little soldier, isn't he? Awash in despair and yet he dances.18:44
Poppy
This is when they wrote songs that were really about something. True love, broken hearts.18:50
Niles
[referring to Frasier but arguably in his heart referring to the last time he was in the ball room and Daphne broke his heart] Yes, there's nothing quite so poignant as someone with a broken heart, pretending that it isn't.18:57
Frasier
No wonder, he keeps staring over at us. He's suffered such a crushing defeat tonight.19:05
Regan
Can we go?19:11
Frasier
Yes, of course, that's the best thing to do. You know, let me just have one last word with him.19:13
Regan
Oh my God!19:19
Frasier
Niles, if you don't mind.19:22
Poppy
You guys are going to wear me out.19:24
Frasier
Can I see you at the bar, please?19:26
Regan
I think I'm going to catch a cab.19:30
Poppy
Aren't you having a good time?19:31
Regan
Frankly, no. Are you?19:32
Poppy
Oh, yes, I think Niles has got quite a little crush on me.19:34
Regan
Actually, Poppy, there's something you should know about Niles.19:39
Frasier
Niles, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not happy with the way things have ended this evening.19:43
Niles
Well, neither am I. How could I be? And the worst thing is: it's not just tonight. What happens when we keep running into each other?19:49
Frasier
Yes, the victor will have his trophy. The loser will be empty-handed.19:57
Niles
It hardly seems worth it, given the permanent damage this could do to our relationship.20:02
Frasier
Yes, I can't help but wonder if perhaps we're being a bit short-sighted.20:04
Frasier
Niles, is that Regan and Poppy leaving just now?20:10
Niles
It was, wasn't it?20:14
Frasier
I want you to go after her.20:21
Niles
What?20:23
Frasier
Yes, I won't stand in your way.20:24
Niles
No, Frasier, I would feel better if you went after her.20:28
Frasier
No, I couldn't do that to you.20:32
Niles
I think we're both feeling the same thing.20:36
Frasier
I know we are. You noble bastard.20:38
Niles
Right back atcha. Oh, it's for the best.20:44
Frasier
After all, the most important thing is our friendship.20:49
Niles
I think that's worth drinking to. [to waiter] Two bourbons.20:52
Frasier
You know, while we're at it, let's propose a toast to the one pretty remarkable woman.20:56
Niles
Well, she'd have to be to have won both of our hearts.21:02
Frasier
Hear, hear.21:05
Niles
Well, then...21:05
Frasier/Niles
To Regan!/To Poppy!21:07
Frasier
[swallows] I think we're going to need two more here.21:16