The Late Dr. Crane
Aired 18th November 1999 · Written by Rob Hanning · Directed by Robert H. Egan
Niles
I can't believe how cold it is in here.0:08
Frasier
Niles, the climate control is on, it's perfectly comfortable.0:12
Niles
Oh, really? Touch your tongue to the seat belt, I dare you.0:15
Frasier
I'm starting to regret I even asked you to this exhibit. I wanted to invite Regan, but after the disaster I made of our first date I just felt too ashamed to even ask.0:19
Niles
Well, you can't avoid her forever, she's your neighbor. Ask her again, what's the worst thing that can happen?0:27
Frasier
She'd ask me to stop harassing her, which would mean I'd have to spend the next six months riding in the service elevator with Guillermo and his three-legged cat!0:32
Niles
How is little Wobbles?0:39
Frasier
Fine.0:41
Frasier
I see what you're doing, Niles! If you're so cold there's a scarf in the glove compartment.0:41
Niles
Oh, really? I thought that's where you kept the butter and the eggs.0:48
Frasier
Well, now it's burning up in here! I'm gonna take this coat off.0:52
Niles
Are you insane?0:56
Niles
At least wait until we've stopped...0:57
Frasier
Take the wheel!0:59
Niles
I'll take the wheel but... Frasier, stop. [looks into road] Stop!1:01
Frasier
No, it's almost off.1:03
Niles
No, I mean brake, brake!1:03
Niles
Are you all right?1:11
Frasier
Yes. Thank heavens your fist softened the blow of the airbag!1:11
Phil
Hurt your nose?1:24
Frasier
[looks at Niles] Yes.1:28
Phil
That's what I figured. Right when you came in, I said, "That guy hurt his nose." So how did you, you know...1:30
Frasier
Excuse me.1:38
Frasier
Yes, hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane here. I was just wondering, I filled out my paperwork about half an hour ago.1:41
Receptionist
They'll call you. We're seeing people in order of importance.1:47
Frasier
Oh really, well, I do have my own radio show.1:50
Receptionist
The importance of the injury!1:54
Frasier
Yes, of course.1:56
Niles
[to receptionist] Do you know, are there any plastic surgeons on call?1:58
Frasier
Oh Niles, that's not necessary.2:01
Niles
Can't be too careful, could be broken.2:02
Receptionist
Don't worry, the best plastic surgeons in town have their offices here. Dr. Rab, Dr. Karnofsky and Dr. Burke.2:04
Niles
Karnofsky? Mel Karnofsky?2:09
Receptionist
That's right.2:12
Niles
Maris's plastic surgeon. Would you believe that charlatan is still picking my pocket a year after my divorce?2:15
Frasier
Good Lord, for what?2:23
Niles
Oh, for Maris's botox injections. They use those botcholeanen toxins that you put in the forehead, it deadens the muscles and takes away the wrinkles. I gave it to her as a gift one year for our anniversary.2:23
Frasier
Oh, yes, probably your tenth. That's toxins, isn't it?2:35
Niles
Anyway, Karnofsky keeps billing me for her follow-up injections.2:40
Frasier
Good Lord.2:44
Phil
So you're divorced, huh?2:44
Niles
Yes.2:50
Phil
Me too, I'm Phil. [puts his hand out, Niles doesn't reciprocate] Fourteen years together. Came home one day and... oh hell, I probably shouldn't even talk about it.2:50
Niles
Okay.2:58
Frasier
You know, Niles, seeing as how we're here, why don't you go and find this Karnofsky and straighten this whole thing out?3:02
Niles
No, no, I can't leave you here injured.3:07
Frasier
That's all right, Niles, I'll be fine.3:07
Niles
Are you sure? I may just pay Dr. Karnofsky a visit.3:11
Frasier
You know, it really is outrageous what these scalpel jockeys get away with; convincing women like Maris to spend fortunes on their exterior, when frankly what they need is to take a good look at the woman inside.3:14
Niles
Right. Well, she did have one chemical pill where you could see her kidneys for a while.3:22
Frasier
[laughs] Off you go. Good luck, Niles.3:27
Niles
Thank you.3:27
Phil
[lowers paper] Not a pretty woman, my wife, but when she danced you couldn't keep your eyes off her.3:44
Frasier
You know, actually I'm feeling a lot better, goodbye!3:49
Nurse
Frasier Crane? [no response] Frasier Crane, we're ready to see you.3:54
Phil
That's me!3:58
Niles
Ah, Dr. Karnofsky, I see you've decided to make time for me!4:09
Clerk
Sorry, I'm from Records. I was told to bring over Maris Crane's files. [places the box on the desk] That's this year.4:12
Mel
Dr. Crane?4:22
Niles
[turns around] Yes. 4:22
Mel
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. Melinda Karnofsky.4:25
Niles
[taken aback, shakes her hand] Oh, yes, of course, Niles Crane. About this billing issue...?4:30
Mel
Oh my God, this box is filthy.4:35
Niles
Yes, the problem is I have received three invoices over the past six months.4:39
Mel
Yes, I'm so sorry about that. And I'm so sorry about all this dust. Do you mind, I'll have to turn on my hepafilter?4:45
Niles
Oh, you have a hepa... [notices and gasps] You have a Svenson!4:52
Mel
Yes. They're great, aren't they? [turns it on]4:57
Niles
Not to mention impossible to get in this country, I've tried.5:00
Mel
Well, I once did a favor for Mrs. Svenson. Oh, it's a long story.5:04
Niles
I'm all ears.5:08
Mel
So was she. Anyway, I've spoken to the accounting department about your bill and it was clearly our mistake. Please accept our apology, we'll take care of it.5:08
Niles
I appreciate that.5:19
Niles
Oh, I like that print very much.5:23
Niles
Everything all right?5:28
Mel
I'm sorry, I just noticed a smudge on my jacket. [points to an invisible mark]5:28
Niles
It's barely noticeable.5:31
Mel
You're being kind.5:34
Mel
I got that print at the last museum show.5:34
Niles
Oh, I thought you looked familiar. Perhaps I've seen you there.5:38
Mel
Perhaps. I go to all of the openings, I'm on the museum board.5:42
Niles
Really? Well, congratulations. All the exhibits this year have been...5:46
Niles
[passionately] Perfection!5:51
Mel
Well, thank you.5:54
Niles
I particularly like the Picasso. I'm a big fan of his Cubist period.5:57
Mel
Oh, striking, isn't she? Yes, I'd like to think if she came in here I could have actually helped her. [Niles laughs] You must think I'm terribly fussy.6:02
Niles
[passionately] Yes.6:13
Mel
Anyway, it was very nice meeting you.6:14
Niles
Likewise.6:18
Nurse
[v.o.] Dr. Karnofsky, Mrs. Magreshack has a question for you in room three.6:20
Niles
Helen Magreshack?6:24
Mel
Oh, I really can't say.6:26
Niles
Oh. [turns away, then leans in] She's finally having it removed?6:29
Mel
Why did she wait?!6:29
Niles
I don't know!6:32
Clerk
Found '98.6:39
Niles
Actually, that's all been settled. [picks up photo on desk] Can you tell me, is that her husband?6:42
Clerk
No, she's divorced. That's her son.6:48
Niles
Really? Dr. Karnofsky's so young, she must have had him when she was a child.6:51
Clerk
[skeptical] Okay.6:58
Mel
Oh, was there something else?7:04
Niles
Er, no. [walks away then] Er, no. Well-7:06
Mel
Yes?7:11
Niles
Mel, er... I was wondering, I, er...7:13
Niles
Thank you. Er, I'm not really sure how to ask.7:21
Mel
I think I know what it is.7:26
Niles
A-ha.7:27
Mel
And you've got no reason to be nervous.7:27
Niles
Oh, really?7:29
Mel
Yes. Just a few quick injections and those nasty little wrinkles in your forehead will disappear.7:29
Mel
Well, that is what you were going to ask, isn't it?7:37
Niles
[laughs] Yes.7:41
Mel
Well, it's a very simple procedure. Although your forehead will be numb for a while. I can fit you in at four-thirty.7:41
Niles
Oh good, that gives me time to do something I need to do.7:48
Mel
Excellent... [exits]7:51
Daphne
Hello, Dr. Crane.7:58
Niles
Hello, Daphne. I was on my way home, I thought I'd see how the patient was doing.7:58
Frasier
Oh, I'm fine, thank you, Niles.8:02
Niles
You have no idea how guilty I'm feeling. [to Daphne] I suppose he told you it was my fist that struck in the inadvertent yet powerful blow.8:05
Frasier
So how did things go with the nefarious Dr. Karnofsky? Did you give him a piece of your mind?8:14
Niles
Actually he turned out to be a she, and quite a reasonable she at that. [sits next to Frasier]8:18
Frasier
Really? That's quite a turnabout.8:22
Niles
Yes, well...8:26
Daphne
Dr. Crane, don't move.8:26
Niles
Why?8:28
Daphne
There's a mosquito.8:28
Niles
Where?8:30
Daphne
On your forehead.8:30
Niles
Uh-oh! [pats about acting on his head] Get off, get off.8:31
Daphne
It's already gone.8:34
Niles
Oh.8:34
Daphne
Oh dear, looks like it bit you.8:36
Niles
All right... [acting] Ow!8:38
Frasier
Niles, wrinkle your forehead for me, will you?8:44
Niles
Why would I do that?8:53
Frasier
Just do it. Wrinkle your forehead.8:55
Niles
I'm not your marionette!9:03
Frasier
You got a botox injection! You've got a forehead full of poison right now, don't you?9:03
Niles
I do not!9:09
Daphne
[looking at the floor] Well, that's strange. The mosquito fell right out of the air, dead. [picks it up and bins it]9:13
Martin
What's a botox injection?9:21
Frasier
Oh, it's a cosmetic procedure they use to eliminate facial wrinkles.9:23
Martin
Oh great, my kids are having plastic surgery. That's a nice age to get to.9:26
Frasier
I can't believe you let Maris's witch doctor work her magic on you.9:30
Niles
Mel is a perfectly lovely person! In fact, I was screwing my courage up to ask her on a date when she noticed this little flaw and I lost my nerve.9:33
Frasier
Yes, and most of the feeling in your face as well!9:43
Daphne
Dr. Crane, look, your picture's on the news.9:46
Frasier
Well, turn it up, Dad, turn it up.9:49
Crane
1952 - 1999."9:50
Anchor
After checking into the hospital with what appeared to be minor injuries from a fender-bender, radio psychiatrist Frasier Crane died suddenly today. I'm sure it goes for all of us here at KYLL when I say he'll be sorely missed. [cheerful] But this rain won't be missed, will it, Flip?9:50
Frasier
Dear God!10:08
Martin
What the hell?10:09
Daphne
That's unbelievable!10:09
Niles
[flat face, shocked voice] Outrageous!10:11
Frasier
As it turns out, after I left the hospital some poor devil used my name to jump the line and he dropped dead of a heart attack. I must say, it does seem a bit strange having plunged all of Seattle, albeit temporarily, into so much grief.10:17
Roz
I know, I'll never forget where I was when I heard you had died. I was out on the street. There was this crowd watching a television through a department store window, and before I knew it, we were weeping and hugging each other.10:34
Frasier
Very amusing, Roz!10:48
Roz
And then it began to rain, and I had this feeling that all the angels were crying.10:50
Frasier
[irate] Yes, all right, Roz!10:55
Martin
Hey, Roz. Fras, have you seen this? [hands him the newspaper]10:57
Frasier
Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. [to a puzzled Roz] It's my obituary.10:59
Roz
They printed it?11:00
Frasier
Yes, they must have picked it up off the wire last night before the news ran that correction.11:02
Martin
Jimmy gave it to me at McGinty's. Boy, everybody was so nice to me, buying me beers and everything. You know, because of the shock I went through thinking I'd lost my son.11:06
Frasier
Dad, what are you talking about? You didn't think I was dead!11:15
Martin
Well, people don't have to know that. I could have been at home alone, wondering where you were and I get this strange uneasy feeling. So I turn on the TV and there it is on the screen: the face of my dead son.11:17
Frasier
But I was sitting right beside you!11:33
Martin
Well, what kinda story is that?11:34
Frasier
It's the truth!11:34
Martin
Well, the truth doesn't put anything on a coaster!11:36
Roz
Well, there's something for your scrapbook, huh? Your own obituary. [begins to read it]11:39
Frasier
Yes, well... you know, frankly, it's-it's a little upsetting.11:43
Roz
[looks up] I don't think they meant to be insulting, you are "lovably pompous."11:49
Frasier
Not that. It's just, seeing all my life in black and white, it just all looks a little incomplete.11:55
Roz
What do you mean?12:02
Frasier
Well, I was going to do so much with my life. I was going to write a novel, run for public office, I was gonna do my own translation of Freud...12:02
Roz
Well, what's stopping you? You're not actually dead.12:13
Frasier
I guess you're right. [laughs] I'm not dead, am I? [laughs] You know, maybe that's a good way of looking at this actually, more of a wake-up call.12:17
Lady
Dr. Crane, I was so relieved to hear that you're all right.12:25
Frasier
Well, thank you.12:29
Lady
I heard the news and I thought, "What a shame, why he is such a young man."12:29
Frasier
That's so nice of you. Thank you, thank you so much. You know, you're right. What am I doing frittering away my day here in this coffee house? [stands] You know, I've got things to do. I've got fresh world to conquer. I'm going to go out there and grab life by the scrub. Look out destiny, here I come!12:33
Frasier
[excusing] Well, it's really coming down out there.12:51
Daphne
What happened to your clothes? Did you spill something on yourself?12:59
Frasier
No, no, no, I'm going jogging later.13:02
Daphne
No need to be sarcastic, just give me the clothes and I'll do another load.13:03
Frasier
No, I'm serious, Daphne. I plan to go running just after I finish my obituary. [off Daphne's glance] It's a self- actualizing exercise. You write your obituary the way you'd like it to appear - years from now, of course - and then it helps you to focus your goals. [sits back] Here they are, all my hopes and dreams.13:08
Daphne
[looks at monitor] These are dreams, all right. [laughs, then reads] "Dr. Crane came late to athletics, he became a fixture in the Seattle marathon, the America's Cup yacht race, as well as the Kentucky Derby." [laughs] A jockey at your size! You better start writing an obituary for the horse.13:25
Frasier
Very amusing, Daphne. I meant as a stable owner.13:45
Martin
Hey Fras. What you do? Spill something on your clothes?13:49
Frasier
No, I'm going jogging later.13:52
Martin
Well, there's no need to get sarcastic about it.13:53
Frasier
I'm serious, Dad, I'm going to have to start somewhere if I plan to run a marathon!13:56
Martin
Ooh, we've got a new basket? Hickory Farms!14:00
Daphne
Yes, that one came this afternoon.14:04
Frasier
Dad, we agreed that we were going to send back all the condolence baskets intact.14:06
Martin
I know, I know, but, you know, if a can of pecans falls out here and there, who's going to notice? Oh, by the way. Guess who I ran into? That friend of yours from next door, Regan.14:10
Frasier
Really?14:20
Martin
Yeah. You know, she was pretty relieved to hear you weren't dead. You know, maybe there's still something going on there.14:20
Frasier
Oh, I don't know, Dad. I'd like to believe that, but I'm just too much of a realist.14:26
Daphne
[reads screen] Tell that the two million people a year who visit "Frasier Land." [laughs]14:32
Frasier
It's a website, it teaches children about psychiatry!14:37
Martin
Hi.14:41
Niles
Oh, hi Dad. I can't stay, I just realized I think I left my cell phone here last night.14:42
Daphne
Oh, yeah, I did see it somewhere. Let me just have a look for it...14:47
Niles
[to Frasier] Why are you wearing running clothes?14:49
Martin
He won't tell us!14:51
Daphne
[picks up cell phone and hands it to Niles] Here it is. It was buried back here underneath all these baskets.14:54
Martin
Oh, Daph! Look what you did! Rooting around in there, you poked a hole right through this... [Martin quite obviously punches a big hole through the cellophane on purpose] Hickory Farms basket! We can't send it back now! [He takes it to his chair.]14:58
Niles
Thank you, Daphne.15:10
Frasier
Niles.15:12
Niles
Yes?15:12
Frasier
Is that a bandage sticking out of your shirt?15:13
Niles
Oh, where?15:15
Frasier
Well, right there. [points to one on the back of his neck]15:15
Niles
Oh yes, I cut myself shaving.15:18
Frasier
On the back of your neck? You went to see Karnofsky again, didn't you?15:20
Niles
Yes, I did! I was going to ask her out again, when I got all flustered and I caught her staring at this grotesque carbuncle.15:26
Frasier
Carbuncle? You mean that miniscule mole of yours.15:34
Niles
Well, to you. I've always been self-conscious about it. I've made many a hasty wine selection because I felt the sommelier staring down at it.15:36
Frasier
Oh, please. Just knock this off. Isn't it time you just asked the woman out?15:43
Niles
Frasier, I'm just waiting until the moment's right.15:48
Frasier
Like you did with Daphne?!15:51
Frasier
Oh, Niles, I am sorry. But I'd like to see you do this while I can still pick you out of a crowd. You know, I've got tickets for the opera tonight. Why don't you ask her to join you?15:53
Niles
Oh, I don't know. [sits down]16:05
Frasier
Come on. Take a cue from me, I'm completely reinventing myself. You know what, [begins stretching his legs] if I can learn a new language, write a bestseller, well then surely you can ask this woman out. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a marathon to train for!16:05
Martin
Are you all right, Fras?16:24
Frasier
I'm fine.16:26
Martin
What happened?16:28
Niles
Well, I think he tripped on one of these baskets.16:29
Martin
Did you break anything?16:31
Frasier
I don't think so.16:31
Martin
Because, if you broke it, there's no point sending this one back either.16:33
Frasier
Oh, dear God.16:53
Martin
[laughs] Look at you. They gave you a sweet one. All shiny and with no scuffs. Still has that new cane smell.16:55
Frasier
Play your cards right, I might let you take it for a spin around the lobby.17:06
Martin
Well, what they say?17:10
Frasier
Oh, just a little sprain. It's gonna take a couple of weeks.17:10
Frasier
I guess I'm going to have to rethink my life's plan a bit.17:15
Martin
Oh, you're gonna be doing all this stuff?17:18
Frasier
Well, of course, Dad, why wouldn't I?17:21
Martin
Oh, I don't know. It just seems all so complicated. The first one you tried was kind of a bust.17:23
Frasier
Yes, well you know, I've just got to scale things back a little bit. Set my sights on more attainable goals. For instance, here: "Visit South America." That's in. "Discover the lost treasure of the Incas." That's out. [deletes it] "Take up rafting." That's in. "Retrace Lewis and Clarke's Route." That's out. And all this perpetual motion stuff, all this can go. [deletes it]17:28
Frasier
Daphne!18:08
Martin
Oh no, she's out for the whole evening. You're gonna have to get it yourself.18:08
Frasier
Oh, all right.18:10
Martin
Let's see how that thing handles the corners. Come on, open her up!18:13
Niles
Hello Frasier, I'd like you to meet Dr. Mel Karnofsky.18:22
Frasier
[to Mel] Well, I can't tell you what a pleasure this is.18:25
Niles
I believe you have some opera tickets for us.18:28
Frasier
Yes, I do. [fetches them]18:30
Niles
Oh, Mel, this is my father, Martin. [Martin stands]18:31
Mel
Thank you. We're very grateful for this. Niles and I happen to be such huge fans of Puccini.18:35
Martin
[as Eddie enters] Speaking of which, here is our own little "Pooch-ini"!18:40
Frasier
So, where are you two having dinner?18:56
Mel
Bel Canto, we have a table on the terrace.18:58
Frasier
Terrace? Well, I didn't know they had a terrace.19:01
Mel
Really? Well I guess you have to know the owner. But, we better be going. I've pre-ordered our chocolate soufflés and they'll be ready at seven-thirty precisely.19:03
Frasier
Well, off you go then. Just remember, Niles, nothing puts on love handles faster than chocolate soufflé.19:11
Mel
Oh well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do. [laughs]19:18
Frasier
Very funny, lovely meeting you.19:24
Frasier
Well, she seems a bit much.19:28
Martin
What do you mean?19:28
Frasier
Well, picking the restaurant, dining on the terrace, you have to know the owner. Doesn't she remind you of someone?19:32
Martin
Yeah, you!19:40
Frasier
I was talking about Maris.19:45
Martin
Oh, come on, don't you think you're overreacting a little bit? I mean, Niles sure seems happy.19:46
Frasier
Yes, you're right, Dad. In fact, I've got a lot to accomplish this evening. [sits on sofa] Tonight, I'm going to start on my Russian language tapes.19:51
Frasier
What is it, Dad?19:59
Martin
What? Nothing.19:59
Frasier
What, don't you think I can do any of these things?20:02
Martin
No, I think you can do anything you put your mind to, Frasier, you always have.20:04
Frasier
Thank you, Dad.20:09
Martin
I just wonder about all these projects.20:09
Frasier
Well, as I said, I am streamlining.20:13
Martin
You know, I think what you discovered this week was that something's missing from your life. And before you start to fill it up with everything but the kitchen sink, I thought you ought to just ask yourself, "what do I really want? What is really going to make me happy... now?"20:16
Martin
Well, that's weird. I suddenly feel like having a beer. 20:37
Frasier
Regan, it's me, Frasier!21:19