Semi-Decent Proposal

Niles

You sure Daphne will like this one?0:09

Frasier

Oh, it's perfect, Niles. Look, it even says on the box, "for the perfect DVD viewing experience."0:11

Niles

[reading] What do you suppose "multi-angle capability" means?0:17

Frasier

[know-it-all] Well, it means that the remote control will respond from any angle.0:21

Claire

Not to intrude, but actually it means you can see a scene from different camera angles.0:25

Niles

Oh, thank you.0:30

Frasier

Oh, I-I was just, uh, teasing him. You see, my brother's technologically challenged.0:30

Claire

If you're, uh, new to DVD, you might want to rent the director's cut of "Das Boot." It's amazing - I mean, if you don't mind subtitles.0:37

Frasier

Mind them? I prefer them! In fact, I-I do speak a-a bit of German, so in this case they might actually be a distraction!0:46

Claire

Really?0:55

Frasier

Mmm.0:57

Claire

I speak German too.0:57

Niles

You know, if anyone's technologically challenged, it's you.0:58

Frasier

He's a bit defensive. Nimm ihn einfach ncht zur Kenntnis. [Just ignore him.]1:03

Claire

[responds in German, they laugh]1:05

Niles

You thought your CD-ROM drive was a cup holder. 1:11

Frasier

Thanks a lot! I was interested in her.1:18

Niles

Well, how was I supposed to know?1:21

Frasier

I was speaking German!1:22

Niles

Oh yes - the language of love!1:24

Frasier

Oh dear, it's Lana, it's Lana.1:30

Niles

[excited] Where, where?1:30

Frasier

Oh my God, no, no, just turn around, turn around! I don't know why the woman frightens me.1:32

Niles

Well, she should frighten you, she was prom queen!1:37

Lana

Hi! Sorry, it took me forever to find a parking spot. [Claire hands Lana the shopping bag she's carrying] Thanks. [sees Frasier] Frasier!1:41

Frasier

Lana! Uh, look Niles, it's Lana.1:49

Niles

[giggling like a teenager] Hi, Lana.1:52

Lana

Hi! Oh, this is my friend, Claire French. Frasier Crane, his brother Niles - we've known each other since high school.1:56

Frasier

Yes, we've already met. Uh, guten tag, Claire.2:01

Claire

I knew I'd recognized your voice. You're on the radio.2:05

Frasier

Yes, yes, well, I'm flattered that you've listened.2:08

Lana

You should have seen him in high school. Do you remember when you petitioned the school to have interpretive dance added to gym class? [laughs]2:11

Frasier

Oh, is that a CD organizer? I'll be right back! [moves off]2:18

Claire

Oh, I need one of those myself, excuse me.2:21

Lana

So Niles, how's things?2:24

Niles

Things are good.2:31

Lana

Are you married now?2:34

Niles

No, no. I was, but, uh, I'm not now. [cocksure] But I'm goin' with someone.2:35

Clerk

Next!2:43

Lana

Oh yes, I need to return this. [takes a portable stereo from the bag and puts it on the counter]2:45

Clerk

Oh, it's scratched.2:48

Lana

Well, it was like that when I bought it.2:50

Frasier

You know, I'm not much of a faux walnut grain enthusiast.2:52

Claire

Uh, Frasier, I-I wanted to ask you something. Saturday night, are you free?2:57

Frasier

Only with a coupon. [they laugh] What did you have in mind?3:05

Claire

Well, a bunch of us are throwing a surprise party for Lana, I was wondering if you could bring her.3:10

Frasier

Well, I'm not sure I'm the right person for this. You see, last year Lana and I dated for a brief period, and, uh, well, things just didn't work out. Don't get me wrong, it's not that she isn't a lovely person-3:16

Clerk

Next.3:25

Lana

I don't give a rat's ass about your policy! Get me the manager!3:27

Frasier

Perhaps you could ask someone else.3:32

Claire

Come on, just ask her out as a friend. Once you're there, you can leave... [with unmistakable suggestiveness] Or stay.3:34

Lana

Are you calling me a liar?! [to the whole store] DON'T BUY ANYTHING HERE, THE SERVICE SUCKS!3:38

Frasier

Well, it is her birthday.3:48

Martin

Red wire, red wire, where do you go? Oh, here we are.3:55

Martin

Uh, maybe the red wire's extra. Niles, hand me that yellow one, will you?4:04

Martin

What's the matter?4:10

Niles

Oh, Daphne punched me in her sleep last night. Honestly, she is the most aggressive sleeper I have ever known.4:12

Martin

Wow. You being a psychiatrist, you probably think she's acting out some form of repressed hostility towards you, huh?4:18

Niles

That was the furthest thing from my mind... until now.4:25

Martin

Oh, don't worry about it. Sounds to me like you guys are still finding your sleeping groove.4:28

Niles

Sleeping groove?4:34

Martin

Yeah. First six months your mother and I were together, we were like Dempsey and Tunney! [then] You see, Dempsey and Tunney were-4:34

Niles

Oh Dad, please, I know a little something about vaudeville.4:44

Daphne

I've got our movie.4:48

Daphne

Oh, knock it off! [punches his arm lightly] I told you I was sorry.4:51

Niles

[rubbing his arm] It's all right. [sees] "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"4:54

Daphne

Yeah, it's got everything - action, romance, and humor. I mean, who's funnier than Roger Rabbit?4:57

Niles

No one?5:02

Daphne

Exactly.5:02

Frasier

Well, I'm off to pick up Lana.5:05

Niles

You're oddly chipper about it.5:07

Frasier

Well, of course I am, Niles. The sooner I deliver her to the surprise party, the sooner I can cast my net of romance over a butterfly named Claire. You know, I've got a good feeling about this one.5:07

Niles

Oh Frasier, you always have a good feeling. You think it's going to be perfect, and then when she turns out not to be the Kierkergard-reading, soufflé-baking, haiku-writing cellist, you're disappointed. You have to learn to settle.5:21

Daphne

[looks at him] What does that mean?5:33

Frasier

Have fun, Niles.5:39

Roz

Oh, hi!5:41

Frasier

Roz, hi.5:41

Roz

Where are you going?5:42

Frasier

Oh, just to a little party.5:42

Roz

Have a good time.5:44

Frasier

Bye!5:46

Roz

Hey, everybody. Am I too late?5:46

Martin

No, you're perfect. We're all hooked up and ready to go.5:47

Roz

Great. I brought "Caddyshack"! Who's funnier than that gopher?5:50

Daphne

Roger Rabbit, that's who-5:55

Martin

Hey, what about my movie, "The Longest Day"? It's got D-Day and the Duke!5:57

Niles

Whoa, that is an embarrassment of riches. Each movie more appealing than the last. Well, perhaps there's a happy compromise in "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." [holds it up]6:01

Roz

Well that would be a happy compromise, except for one thing: Boring!6:13

Daphne

I think we should use the manual.6:21

Martin

I don't need a manual! I need a pair of wire strippers, a hammer, and a beer. [goes to the kitchen]6:21

Niles

All right, well, while he's doing that I just have to pose the question: who's funnier than Daniel Day-Lewis?6:29

Frasier

You look lovely tonight.6:44

Lana

Thank you, you look nice too.6:46

Lana

Look, I'm gonna be real direct. We're just two good friends going out for dinner, OK?6:51

Frasier

Of course.6:56

Lana

I only say that because you went a little heavy on the cologne, and I don't want you to have any expectations.6:58

Frasier

I have nothing of the sort. And by the way, it's scented soap.7:04

Lana

I mean, I only accepted because it really sounded like you could really use a night out. I don't want some awkward scene where you try to get in my pants.7:13

Frasier

I assure you, there will be no such scene.7:23

Lana

Good. [pause] Unless of course I have too much to drink, [slightly manic laughter] and I change my mind!7:27

Frasier

So, how are those kids of yours doing?7:34

Lana

Oh, my youngest is good, he's in the ninth grade. But Kirby, if he doesn't pass U.S. history he's not going to graduate.7:37

Frasier

Well, have you considered getting a tutor?7:44

Lana

That's a good idea. You used to do that sort of thing in high school, didn't you?7:47

Frasier

Well, yes, yes, I-I did. And I-I would do it for Kirby in a heartbeat. It's just that I'm asked a lot, and if I helped him I'd have to do it for everyone, and I'd hate to open those floodgates. You understand.7:51

Lana

Yeah. I mean, my ex is the one I should be asking, but that would be a waste of time.8:02

Frasier

He doesn't help out with the kids?8:08

Lana

No, the only kid he has time for is Kathy, his 22-year old receptionist. It's sickening. Mind if I smoke?8:11

Frasier

Well, actually-8:19

Lana

I'll just crack a window.8:21

Lana

You know, I'm glad you asked me out tonight. Tomorrow is my birthday!8:29

Frasier

Really? Oh, happy birthday.8:34

Lana

Hardly. That's the day Bob and Kathy have chosen to get married - in Tahiti! Some birthday.8:37

Lana

All right. That's good, tonight'll get my mind off of it. Just promise me that I won't even hear the word "birthday" for the rest of the night, OK?8:52

Frasier

Are you sure? I mean, maybe a big celebration would be the best revenge.9:02

Lana

[almost crying] What am I celebrating? The fact that I'm becoming an old trot and no one's ever going to love me again? Oh God, shut up! [stubs out her cigarette]9:09

Lana

Aren't we going to Bella Lucia?9:27

Frasier

Well, actually I-I know this little Thai place that I think will be better.9:29

Lana

Well, were you even going to ask me? I hate Thai food! Typical man, "I like Thai food, so she must like Thai food."9:33

Frasier

All right, Bella Lucia it is.9:42

Lana

I'm sorry, I'm-I'm being snappy. It's just... I-I guess I just always thought that I'd be the one who got remarried first, you know? Now everybody's just going to feel sorry for me. Oh God, I hope I don't run into anybody I know tonight! [Frasier is worried] And you're not a typical man. You're very thoughtful. Forgive me?9:45

Frasier

Yes, I'm afraid I do. Oh gosh - you know, I-I do know another little Italian place that I think you might really enjoy just as much - well, what do you say?10:17

Lana

Great, sounds great.10:29

Frasier

OK.10:32

Lana

You know, it's funny, as much as I hate the thought of my birthday, I'm kind of hurt that none of my friends asked me to do anything. I mean, not like I wanted a party, but, well, something would have been nice.10:33

Lana

OK, OK, Frasier, you know what, just because I'm vulnerable doesn't mean you're getting some!10:50

Frasier

No! Listen: fifty of your friends are sitting in Bella Lucia right now, wearing party hats and waiting to yell, "Surprise!" Do you want to go or not?10:54

Lana

[happy] My friends are throwing me a surprise party?!11:04

Frasier

That's right.11:07

Lana

[Carrie] And you tell me and ruin it?!11:09

All

SURPRISE!11:22

Lana

[feigned] Oh my god, you didn't! [to Claire] You, you did this!11:24

Lana

Frasier, you tricked me, you awful thing! [shoves him playfully]11:32

Frasier

It wasn't easy, you nightmarish carp!11:37

Lana

Thank you - Debbie, oh hi! Bruce, hi! I am so thrilled you all came here for this! I thought a lot of you would have flown to Tahiti for the wedding of Dumbo and Bimbo!11:44

Claire

Thanks for getting her here.11:58

Frasier

Well...12:01

Claire

How did you manage to keep it a secret?12:01

Frasier

Well, as a psychiatrist, discretion happens to be the cornerstone of my profession.12:04

Claire

Ah, of course. Mine too - I'm a family therapist.12:11

Frasier

Really? You know, I-I sensed we have a lot in common.12:15

Claire

You know, it's funny how things turn out. I started out as a music major, studying the cello.12:19

Frasier

You're a cellist?12:28

Claire

Yes, but psychology is my true calling. "Spawning fish that leave upstream for many seasons, yet come home to stay."12:30

Frasier

Was that a haiku?12:42

Claire

Yes. It's, uh, it's a habit of mine. They just sort of spill out of me.12:42

Frasier

Well, that's amazing! [loosens his collar] Uh, may I get you a drink?12:51

Claire

Yes. Uh, a martini - two olives.12:55

Frasier

Ah. I knew it.12:59

Frasier

Kierkergard?13:02

Claire

Love him.13:04

Frasier

Don't move.13:07

Lana

Claire! What are you doing staring at the moon? I want you to meet Neil, the guy I told you about.13:11

Martin

All right, what's it say now?13:26

Daphne

"Alternatively, see Appendix C: Advanced Troubleshooting Specifications and You."13:27

Martin

That's it, I quit. [throws cables up in the air]13:33

Daphne

Well, what do you want to do?13:37

Roz

Well, I went to a party once where we each went around the room and confessed our most shameful secret - except it had to be something that you've never told anyone before.13:39

Niles

Oh, I don't think that's something we really want to get into.13:49

Daphne

No, sounds like fun.13:54

Niles

OK, I'll go first. Oh, let's see - all right, well, Daphne, you might as well make your acquaintance with my dark side. In fifth grade, there was a bully, Jack Winfield, who was bothering a lot of the girls, so one day I waited for him outside of school and gave him a sound thumping.13:55

Martin

Wasn't that the kid with rickets?14:22

Niles

Rickets and a smart mouth.14:26

Roz

Daphne, you go next, and think of something juicier than that.14:30

Daphne

Oh, well, um, mine's also a youthful indiscretion. I stole a teddy bear from the shops.14:35

Roz

Then what?14:43

Daphne

Well, I felt guilty, so I told my parents and we brought it back. Then as a penance, I... volunteered to work at the orphanage after school.14:45

Roz

What the hell was that?! I'd put that story on my resume! Come on, Martin, you've got to have something! Shock me!15:01

Martin

Oh, I don't know, it's kind of personal.15:08

Roz

That's what we're looking for.15:11

Martin

Well, all right, but it doesn't leave this room: every time I watch "The Sound of Music"... I cry. And I don't mean a single manly tear. I mean real blubbering, girl-style. The nuns... those kids... that lonely goatherd.15:13

Roz

These are your deep, dark secrets? This is baby stuff! "Ooh, I dropped my ice cream and I ate it!"15:43

Daphne

OK, let's hear yours, then.15:49

Roz

Oh, you can't handle mine. Let's play "Clue" or something.15:51

Martin

Are you kidding? We can take anything you could dish out! I was in the war, I was a cop, I even worked Vice!15:55

Roz

I don't think so.16:00

Martin

Well, come on, I'll tell you what: whisper it in my ear, and if I think they can handle it I'll tell them.16:03

Roz

OK.16:07

Lana

[mournful] Where was Kathy while I was busting my ass putting him through dental school? Oh, oh, that's right - she wasn't BORN YET!16:36

Guest 1

Who wants more cake?16:47

Guest 1

Not me, but I'll go with you!16:47

Frasier

Here we are. This is one of my favorites.16:51

Claire

That's so sweet of you, but Neil just brought me a glass.16:55

Frasier

Oh, this one. Yes, that's a delightful little wine, yes, it's very nice. But this happens to be a Bavaresco Diam, the greatest Italian red since Roberto Rossellini! [laughs]16:59

Claire

Well, they both taste wonderful. I-I don't, I can't choose between them.17:16

Frasier

Taste mine again.17:35

Neil

You know, if you're really interested in wine, Claire, you should let me fly you down to Napa in my plane. We could spend the day exploring vineyards.17:38

Claire

Oh, that's very sweet, but those little planes make me nervous.17:44

Frasier

Well, how do you feel about, uh, BMW's? You see, I-I happen to know several of the proprietors of the local vineyards here, and I'd be delighted to be your tour guide.17:48

Claire

That sounds tempting.17:59

Frasier

Well, allow me to enchant you further. You see, I...18:01

Frasier

Claire, I'm sorry, uh, you'll have to excuse me for just a moment.18:07

Frasier

Hi. How you doing?18:17

Lana

Everybody's leaving.18:20

Frasier

Well, it's getting late.18:22

Lana

It's 9:30! Let's face it, I drove them all off. Even I'm sick of hearing me complain about Bob.18:23

Frasier

No, come on, it's not all that bad. I mean, listen, you know, Bob is in the past. I mean, just look at all the friends you have. I know you've had a bit of a tough time lately, but it'll end soon. You're a vibrant, attractive woman.18:32

Lana

Thanks, Frasier. You're being awfully sweet to me. Don't think this means you're getting any.18:52

Neil

We're, uh, saying our goodbyes.19:03

Frasier

Oh, you're leaving?19:05

Claire

Uh, I have an early appointment and Neil offered to give me a ride home.19:07

Frasier

Well, how thoughtful of him.19:10

Claire

Happy birthday, Lana. [they hug] It's nice to see you again, Frasier.19:14

Frasier

Lovely seeing you again, Claire. Neil...19:21

Lana

Threw a gutter ball, huh?19:34

Frasier

Thanks to you, you introduced them.19:38

Lana

Well, you played it all wrong! You were hanging on her all night!19:40

Frasier

So was he, but he left with her.19:44

Lana

It won't last. She's probably sick of him already.19:46

Frasier

Lot of good that does me. I blew it.19:49

Lana

Not necessarily. I mean, I think you guys could make a great couple. In fact, I might be able to help you out there.19:52

Frasier

Really? Would you?19:59

Lana

Well, I could, but you know I get asked that all the time, and if I did it for you, then I'd have to do it for everybody, and I just don't know if I want to open those floodgates! You know what I mean?20:02

Frasier

I think I do.20:16

Lana

Kirby needs a passing grade in history.20:19

Frasier

I can't guarantee that.20:20

Lana

No passing grade, no Claire.20:20

Frasier

All right, an hour on Tuesdays.20:24

Lana

Two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.20:25

Frasier

Two hours on Tuesdays, no Thursdays.20:27

Lana

Three on Tuesdays.20:28

Frasier

Done, happy birthday.20:30

Lana

Thank you.20:30

Frasier

Well, you're a very lucky young man, Kirby. You know, I loved studying U.S. history. What could be more fascinating than the rich and unfolding epic of the very soil on which we live?20:35

Kirby

Uh, will that question be on the test?20:52

Frasier

Doubtful. [opens textbook] So, which chapter are you on?20:58

Kirby

Whoa, is that my book?21:02

Frasier

I see - Chapter 1. [begins reading, then] You may want to take some notes.21:07

Kirby

I don't have a pen. But just tell me, I'll remember it.21:14

Lana

Oh yeah, yeah, that's gotten you far. [they look at her] GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET A PEN!!!21:18

Lana

No, not you, not you, not you!21:25