A Day In May
Aired 22nd May 2001 · Written by Eric Zicklin & Lori Kirkland · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Roz
Hey, Daphne.0:13
Daphne
Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?0:13
Roz
We're borrowing Frasier's car.0:16
Daphne
Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.0:19
Roz
Actually, he's being very nice about it. Mine's in the shop, and I'm taking Alice and a few of her friends to an ice cream party.0:21
Frasier
[emerging from hallway] You told me it was your friends, and the Science Center!0:27
Roz
He said, she said, we'll never know what really happened. Frasier, don't be so uptight. I'm not gonna hurt your precious car.0:30
Frasier
I am not uptight, it's just that I've had some unfortunate experiences before loaning out my car.0:37
Daphne
[going to the hall] I left an umbrella in the trunk.0:41
Frasier
It was a wet umbrella!0:41
Roz
Can I have the keys?0:46
Frasier
[sighs] Yes, yes. [drops them in her hand] After all, what are fine possessions for if not to be used and enjoyed? [lugubrious] And who better to enjoy them than the delightful souls of small children?0:49
Roz
I'll put a tarp in the backseat.1:02
Frasier
Oh, bless you.1:02
Niles
Hey Roz, hello Alice. What brings you here?1:05
Roz
Oh, Frasier loaned me his car, I backed mine into a telephone pole.1:06
Frasier
You said you were getting a tune-up!1:11
Roz
[as the elevator doors close] It needs one, trust me!1:11
Niles
Is, uh, Daphne ready?1:15
Frasier
Uh, actually I think she's in her room. You two have plans?1:15
Niles
Yes, I am taking her to the botanical gardens. Can you believe she's never been before?1:20
Frasier
Didn't Donny take her to the botanical gardens last year?1:25
Niles
Can you believe she's never been before?1:27
Niles
Hey, Daphne!1:33
Daphne
Hello, Niles.1:33
Niles
Ready to go to the gardens?1:36
Daphne
Yeah, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take Eddie for a walk first. [kisses him]1:37
Niles
Where's Dad?1:40
Daphne
I don't know, he's been gone all morning.1:40
Niles
Oh well, here, I'll take him for a quick walk.1:42
Daphne
Oh no, he's gonna need more than that, or he'll go stir-crazy. He's gonna need a full hour at the dog park.1:43
Niles
[checks his watch] We don't have time to go the dog park, the-the Tour of Succulents starts promptly at twelve. Uh, hey, Frasier, can you take him?1:49
Frasier
No, I'm sorry, Niles. Roz has my car, you see, and Lana's coming by to pick me up for a tutoring session with Kirby.1:53
Daphne
I'll just get Eddie's toys. [leaves]2:00
Frasier
[on phone] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I need to make an emergency appointment tomorrow, for a complete cleaning of my BMW. June 10th?! But I've got a Clean Team Privileges Card! Yes, of course it's a platinum one! [takes it out and looks] No, no there are no diamonds on the corner. Well, then yes, I'd like to become a member of the Diamond Alliance immediately. Fine, put me on the waiting list. I'll see you in June. [hangs up]2:01
Niles
[needling] You're not in the Diamond Alliance?2:35
Frasier
Don't do that!2:35
Niles
So this is it.2:43
Daphne
Mmm-hmm.2:45
Niles
I'd hardly call this a dog park. [looks around] It's more like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those?2:45
Daphne
Don't stare, it only encourages them.2:52
Niles
Well, hurry up, Eddie, there's lots of exciting depravity to explore. [Eddie doesn't move]2:57
Daphne
[takes out a short piece of thick rope] He wants to play a little fetch.3:01
Niles
Oh.3:04
Daphne
Well here, you throw it.3:04
Niles
With my bare hands?3:04
Daphne
Oh come on, it's fun.3:07
Niles
[takes it] Ready? Here we go. And, fetch!3:07
Niles
All right, I didn't give you enough of a challenge. Here, ready, ready? And, ho! [throws it farther] Go get it! [Eddie runs after it] I'm sorry, I was a bit of a grouch. This is actually a fine way to spend the day.3:15
Daphne
Yeah...3:27
Niles
In fact, it's kind of...3:27
Niles
Hello. Do you suppose the rest of Eddie's in there?3:34
Jim
Good boy, good boy! Sorry about that, Daphne, but what with the organic vitamin paste I've been feeding Tank here, Eddie can't keep up with him.3:39
Daphne
It's no problem, Jim. Uh, Niles, this is Jim Grady and Tank. This is Niles, my boyfriend.3:48
Niles
[shaking hands] Pleasure.3:53
Jim
Boyfriend? Ah, I should have known. It seems like every time I'm single you're in a relationship, and every time you're single I'm in a relationship.3:53
Daphne
Yeah, that's true.4:00
Jim
I guess we just don't have-4:02
Daphne
Timing!4:02
Jim
-good... [Daphne laughs] And I'm a drummer!4:06
Niles
Which, uh, makes it even more ironic!4:06
Jim
Tank, that's rude! Now, chill. [Tank obeys]4:14
Niles
Wow.4:17
Daphne
Wow, you've really got him trained. That's the problem with Eddie. He only listens when he thinks he's gonna get food.4:19
Niles
Or one of my socks! [laughs, no one else does] But mostly food.4:25
Jim
Well, it's all in the voice tone, really. Any dog can learn to respond to it, even an old wheezer like Eddie. You, uh, want me to show you?4:32
Daphne
I'd love it.4:37
Jim
Come on. [she gets up]4:39
Niles
Yeah, we'd all love it!4:40
Niles
Oh uh, you guys, uh... [but they're gone] Be right back. [sits and answers] Hello?!4:44
Martin
Hi Niles, it's me. I just wanted to make sure Daphne took Eddie for a walk, I completely forgot about it this morning.4:49
Niles
Yeah, yeah, we're in the dog park now. Uh, where are you, anyway?4:57
Martin
Uh, I'm at the track. Uh, had an itch for it when I woke up, and so just I dropped everything and went. Uh, I'm at the window... [puts the phone to his shoulder] I'll have a trifecta in the eighth. [into phone] All right, gotta run.4:58
Niles
Wait, uh-5:12
Frasier
Well, I didn't realize that I was going to be selling houses with you today! Why didn't you just drop me off and then come on your own?5:27
Lana
Stop whining! It'll only take a minute. I hope we don't run into the sad sack who owns this place.5:32
Lana
I've been trying to sell this house for over a year! But he keeps driving away every potential buyer.5:38
Frasier
How does he do that?5:43
Phillip
Oh... hi. I heard a woman's voice, I thought it might be my wife coming back to me.5:43
Lana
[as if to a child] No. She lives in Portland now, with her new husband, Lamar, remember? [Phillip nods sadly] Oh, excuse me, Frasier Crane, Phillip Donovan, the current owner.5:53
Frasier
Hello.6:01
Phillip
Hi.6:01
Lana
Well, see you later Phillip!6:02
Phillip
Anyway, my wife just left with the kids. No talking, no explanations, just ripped my heart out and threw it to the dogs - which she also took.6:02
Frasier
Well, uh, at least you're... getting out at the top of the market!6:16
Lana
Actually, this is a very good time, Phillip, and I think today is the day!6:20
Phillip
[opening the box] Oh, no!6:23
Lana
Oh, God!6:23
Frasier
What's wrong?6:25
Phillip
The damn basement must have flooded again. Everything in this box is ruined. Little Suzy's cap she wore home from the hospital, ruined; Danny's first soccer uniform, ruined!6:26
Frasier
Well, you know, I have an excellent drycleaner-6:38
Lana
[hissed] No!6:41
Frasier
Once, actually, I spilled butter on a pair of white velvet pantaloons. [off their looks] Well, it's a long story. But, uh, he had it out in under a minute!6:45
Lana
Frasier, just give him the address.6:56
Frasier
Yes, yes...6:56
Phillip
[shows him some pictures] I have two sons and two daughters. The perfect American family... until that bastard Lamar showed up to snake our drains. Now all I have left are weekend visits, and a few treasures from their childhood.6:58
Phillip
Like this house little Danny and I made at day camp. Oh, thank goodness, it made it through unscathed. Just a little water damage in the basement. Just like this house...7:14
Frasier
Phillip, you are still their father. I mean, I know things seem difficult right now, but believe me, it'll get easier.7:28
Phillip
Oh, it's already easier. I mean, look at me, I'm dressed.7:36
Lana
Phillip, you know what would really cheer you up, is to make a killing on this house! Now, don't you think you should get back to work?7:41
Phillip
I guess. That air traffic isn't gonna control itself. [gets up]7:46
Lana
OK, here we go. [he heads toward the front] No, not the front door! Let's go out the side door. [steers him] It's good to see you again, Phillip, I'll call you when we sell the place, bye!7:52
Frasier
Good lord, that man is obviously in pain, the least you could be is a little sympathetic!8:00
Lana
I have been sympathetic for fifteen months! I had him over for Thanksgiving! He got drunk the first half-hour and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet! And I consider that one of our good days!8:06
Frasier
Well, so where are these so-called buyers of yours? You told me they'd be here in a few minutes.8:19
Lana
Well, they're obviously running late, OK? It'll give us time to go over the plan.8:23
Frasier
What, what, there's a plan?8:26
Lana
Well, sure. When the Smolenskis get here, you act like you want the house. You know, a little competition, put a little pressure on the deal.8:29
Frasier
You're asking me to be your shill?8:35
Lana
[slaps her forehead in mock surprise] That's the word! Yes, yes! Now listen, you don't have to say anything!8:37
Frasier
I'm sorry, no!8:42
Lana
Well, why not?! Well, look, OK, all you have to do is walk around with an interested look on your face. You know, they'll fill in the rest!8:42
Frasier
I will do no such thing!8:48
Lana
Why won't you help me?!8:51
Frasier
Because I refuse to lie for you!8:51
Lana
Oh fine, then go wait in the car!8:53
Frasier
I never wanted to leave the car!8:53
Lana
Oh, just get out!8:56
Frasier
All right, I got some cream-sicles, and fudge-sicles, and something they call, uh, "Bomb Pops!"9:11
Lana
I called the Smolenskis, I bought us a little extra time.9:16
Frasier
Right, good, good. All right, let's spread out some paper and then build us a house!9:19
Lana
So Frasier, with all your talk about honesty, how do you justify faking this thing?9:24
Frasier
Well... we're simply protecting the feelings of an innocent man. Nothing dishonest about that.9:30
Lana
Uh-huh. [holds up a piece] So, uh, are you gonna write, "I love you, Daddy" or am I?9:37
Frasier
[It's a dirty job, but] I'll do it.9:46
Jim
Sit. Wave, wave. All right, hide your eyes, hide your eyes. Hide 'em...9:51
Niles
Hey Eddie, don't worry about that other dog. He may be bigger and flashier and better-looking, but...you have substance. She knows that.10:02
Daphne
[coming back] How amazing is Jim? He's so connected to animals, it's almost magical.10:13
Niles
Daphne, I've been musing about you and me, and I have a thought.10:20
Daphne
Yeah?10:23
Niles
In every healthy relationship, I may ask for an occasional - very occasional - irrational demand.10:24
Daphne
What do you mean?10:31
Niles
Uh, a thing we insist the other do or not do, and the other one has to do it or not do it, without question.10:33
Daphne
Is that fair?10:41
Niles
It is. Because we each get one, and only one, for our whole relationship.10:41
Daphne
Well, if it's important to you.10:49
Niles
Then it's agreed?10:49
Daphne
Agreed.10:52
Niles
Good... oh, I've got mine!10:52
Daphne
Already?10:58
Niles
Yes. Uh, I want you to promise never to come to this dog park again.10:58
Daphne
What?11:04
Niles
I know it sounds extreme, even unreasonable - but that's the beauty of the irrational demand.11:04
Daphne
Is this about Jim?11:11
Niles
The, uh, demand cannot be scrutinized. It is, by definition, irrational.11:14
Daphne
And are you sure this is how you want to use your only one?11:19
Niles
Absolutely. I've thought this through, a lot. Irrationally, of course.11:23
Daphne
OK, if you're sure. I promise never to come to this dog park again.11:28
Niles
Thank you. I knew you'd understand. [kisses her]11:34
Jim
All right, we're going home. Tank needs to re-hydrate, and, oof, I'm late for a deltoid workout.11:39
Daphne
Well, I guess this is goodbye, Jim.11:45
Jim
Yep, by this time next week I'll be leading my first raft tour in Chile.11:47
Niles
Really?11:51
Jim
Yeah.11:51
Niles
Wow, when do you get back?11:52
Daphne
Oh, he's not coming back. He's moving there. [to Jim] Good luck, Jim.11:52
Jim
Yes, you too. [hugs her; to Niles] And, uh, stay cool, buddy.11:57
Niles
Oh, you know it.12:02
Daphne
[sighs] I wonder how I'll use my irrational demand... oh, what's my rush? I've got years to think it over.12:11
Joanne
Hi, Martin.12:38
Martin
Hello, Joanne.12:38
Joanne
How have you been?12:43
Martin
Pretty good. Oh please, have a seat.12:43
Joanne
Thanks. [sits] I was worried I was going to be late with all that construction going on.12:47
Martin
Yeah, I know, it's a mess.12:53
Joanne
How's your hip?12:57
Martin
Ah, you learn to live with it.12:59
Joanne
I think about you a lot, you know. I've wanted to call, but... I don't know.13:03
Martin
I understand, it's OK.13:12
Joanne
So... another year has gone by.13:17
Martin
Yeah. Time really flies.13:17
Joanne
I guess it goes a little slower for me.13:26
Frasier
How's our roof coming?13:33
Lana
Almost done.13:33
Frasier
Good. [looks at her] You know, there was a time back in high school when I would have paid a thousand dollars to watch you eat a popsicle.13:35
Frasier
It was a long time ago.13:53
Lana
I think it's kind of funny that we became friends.13:58
Frasier
We're friends?14:01
Lana
Well, sure we are. Why wouldn't you think so?14:04
Frasier
Oh, dear...14:08
Lana
Nice going, dipstick! [takes a tissue and wipes his shirt]14:08
Frasier
It's a brand-new shirt.14:12
Lana
I hear a car. It's the Smolenskis. [gets up] OK, keep working.14:17
Frasier
Right.14:19
Lana
I gotta go up to Phil's room and spray some air freshener around. His room reeks of... I don't know, despair!14:21
Mrs. Smolenski
It's even nicer than I remember!14:57
Mrs. Smolenski
Well, hello there! Are you having fun making your little house?15:02
Lana
Oh, there you are! Hi - oh, I see you've met Frasier. I am so glad you came today, because the interest on this place is really heating up!15:11
Mr. Smolenski
Well, we're certainly interested as well, but we've- we've heard that a lot of homes in this area have a flooding problem. Now, what do you know about the basement here?15:20
Lana
Honestly?15:30
Mr. Smolenski
Yes.15:30
Lana
This house is sixty years old, and I have only heard of it flooding once.15:32
Mr. Smolenski
Oh!15:36
Lana
And I could tell you for a fact that the permanent owner stores some of his most cherished keepsakes in that basement.15:39
Mrs. Smolenski
Are you choking on your lolly?15:47
Frasier
[takes out popsicle] No. I am choking on something far more dangerous and destructive than a simple sugary treat. It's a prolific and powerful poison known as: deception!15:53
Mrs. Smolenski
He's very verbal!16:08
Lana
Oh, you know, I just remembered! Gosh, you know, the owner did mention something about a recent little moisture problem downstairs. Tell you what, why don't I give him a call and see if he'll come down just a tiny bit in the price?16:15
Mrs. Smolenski
Oh, that'd be wonderful!16:28
Mr. Smolenski
If he could give us a break in the price, I'm sure we'll make an offer.16:29
Lana
Oh, great! I'll call you tonight.16:32
Mrs. Smolenski
Thank you.16:32
Mr. Smolenski
[to Frasier] Bye, sonny.16:35
Lana
[as they leave] Call you tonight!16:38
Frasier
There now, you see? You did the right thing. That wasn't so bad, was it?16:43
Lana
I guess not. Oh, look at our little house, it looks great!16:47
Frasier
Say, you know, we got a few extra popsicle sticks left, why don't we add on a half a bath?16:56
Frasier
You know, Lana, I think the house should go the other way around - with the door facing the couch. [off her look] Feng Shui!17:03
Lana
Fine, fine, fine, fine.17:14
Frasier
Ah, perfect.17:33
Lana
Perfect.17:33
Frasier
Now you see, doesn't it feel good to tell the truth? It's like breathing a breath of fresh air, and-17:35
Lana
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go!17:40
Frasier
Oh, all right.17:40
Roz
OK, Alice, before we see Uncle Frasier, let's remember together what really happened.17:52
Roz
Now, did you throw up in Uncle Frasier's car?18:01
Roz
No-you-didn't. That smell was there before, wasn't it?18:05
Roz
That's-my-girl. [holds out a pack of M&M's] There you go.18:11
David
And besides the library assignment, I've been taking a computer class on Wednesdays. I hope to get a job with computers... when I get out.18:15
1st BM
Can you tell us what consideration, if any, you've given this crime?18:27
David
Well... I regret it, everyday. I was young at the time, and I wasn't thinking - you know, about the consequences. And I'm very sorry.18:32
2nd BM
The victim is here. Mr. Crane? [Martin stands up] Would you like to make a statement?18:49
Martin
I have nothing to say. [sits back down]19:07
3rd BM
Would you give us a moment?19:10
3rd BM
Mr. Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in the in-house programs to better yourself, and for your record of excellent conduct. We have weighed this against your conviction of shooting a police officer during the commission of a robbery — and find that the length of your time served has not yet met the standards for proportionality, equality, and justice as required by state law. Parole is denied.19:22