Don Juan In Hell
Aired 25th September 2001 · Written by Sam Johnson & Chris Marcil · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Claire
I'm crazy about you. I just started to feel like you didn't want to be here with me.0:09
Frasier
Oh gosh, nothing could be further from the truth.0:14
Frasier
I'll tell you something else. I'm happy.0:17
Lana
I'm glad, Frasier. I'm happy, too.0:28
Frasier
I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, Claire - a woman who, by all conventional measures, is "perfect" for me. And yet I've just had a vivid, sexual dream about someone who differs from her entirely. [ ] It's a woman named Lana...0:33
Diane
Excuse me, but why do I have to sit in the back seat? Seriously, my legs are starting to cramp back here-0:55
Lilith
Seriously, why is she here at all?1:01
Diane
I have just as much right to be here as you!1:04
Lilith
"Here" doesn't mean the front seat!1:07
Frasier
All right, listen, ladies, we've got about an hour to go. I would like to have a little quiet, I'm going to turn on some music.1:09
Niles
Morning, gang. [they all ad-lib hellos]1:29
Daphne
How's my natural man?1:32
Niles
Mmm, as hungry as I am hairy. [kisses her]1:33
Claire
No kidding, that goatee sure came in fast.1:35
Niles
I know. I credit the hothouse atmosphere of this tropical paradise — that and our nearly constant nudity. [Daphne chuckles] Gone is the citified dandy of just last week. In his place stands a feral Caliban, a sandy-bottomed Dionysius, a lusty, insatiable - ooh, scones!1:38
Waiter
Here is your special order.2:00
Claire
Thank you.2:00
Martin
I'm starving. Claire and I have been up fishing since 5 A.M.2:04
Daphne
You've already got more fish than we could eat in a year.2:08
Martin
Well, we didn't just fish! We went for a swim, we explored some caves, and watched a school of dolphins-2:11
Claire
But the best part was when he taught me how to hypnotize a lobster.2:16
Daphne
You what?2:20
Martin
It's all in the eyes.2:20
Claire
Hey, Marty, try this. [offers a bite of pancake]2:28
Martin
[eats it] Mmm, not bad! Hey Niles, try this pancake! Claire had them crumble the bacon right into the batter.2:32
Niles
Oh, I don't really like pancakes.2:37
Martin
Well, that's 'cause you're used to Daphne's. Here.2:40
Niles
Oh, those are magnificent!2:47
Martin
Yeah! And Claire invented them!2:50
Daphne
Yes, no doubt on the seventh day while You were resting. [laughs]2:52
Frasier
Good morning, all. [everyone greets him]2:58
Claire
Hello, my sweet darling man.3:00
Frasier
[kisses her] Hello... kiddo.3:02
Daphne
So, have they found your luggage yet, Dr. Crane?3:05
Frasier
If they had, would I be wearing this shirt three days in a row? Huh, fat chance.3:07
Photographer
Souvenir of your stay?3:10
Martin
Oh, sure!3:10
Frasier
By all means.3:13
Martin
Yeah, this is a brunch to remember.3:10
Niles
It's not a vacation until Dad takes a picture of one of his meals.3:15
Frasier
Very good! Thank you very much, well done. [tips him]3:20
Photographer
You can pick them up at the front desk.3:23
Frasier
Thank you.3:24
Claire
[gets up] Well, sorry to run off, but I have to finish packing.3:24
Frasier
Right.3:27
Claire
I'll see you up at the room.3:27
Frasier
OK.3:29
Martin
Oh, she's a real find, Fras.3:31
Frasier
Yes, she is, isn't she? [waves the photographer back] Oh, excuse me?3:31
Photographer
Yes?3:35
Frasier
Do you think we could have another picture, of just the family?3:37
Photographer
No problem.3:39
Frasier
Thank you.3:39
Martin
Well, what about Claire? She's practically family.3:41
Frasier
Oh, very much so, but there may come a time when... say, she isn't.3:43
Frasier
Thank you again.3:52
Martin
[checks his watch] Oh, hey! We better get going, Daph. We got fish to pack! [he and Daphne get up] Oh, and I didn't fillet 'em, because Claire said you can use the heads for soup!3:53
Daphne
Well, when I'm chopping them off, I'll be thinking of her.4:02
Frasier
Niles, listen, I didn't want to say anything in front of the others, but I find myself in a bit of a quandary. Well, it's not so much a quandary, really, it's more of, uh, a pickle. Well, not so much a pickle, but well, but, no more than a, a... a cornichon.4:06
Niles
What is it?4:20
Frasier
I think I want to be with Lana, not Claire.4:22
Niles
Forgive me, Frasier, but that's one big-ass cornichon.4:26
Frasier
I know, I know. I'm having a perfectly wonderful time with Claire, it's just that my mind keeps drifting back to Lana.4:29
Niles
For God's sake, why? She's loud, she's crass-4:36
Frasier
Yes, yes, but she's also challenging, and sexy, and exciting. I'm just afraid I may have let go of that too hastily.4:39
Niles
Frasier, you do this every time. You are in a great relationship with Claire. Don't overthink it. Embrace it.4:47
Frasier
You're right, Niles. Thank you. Yes, I should just go with it. Gosh, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I keep insisting on overanalyzing everything.4:56
Martin
[whispering] Because you're crazy, that's why!5:06
Martin
Claire's perfect for you, but I like her too! How many times does that happen?5:09
Frasier
But what about Lana?5:13
Martin
Oh, forget Lana! Stay with Claire. [stares at Frasier, chanting] Stay-with-Claire. Stay-with-Claire.5:13
Frasier
Dad, I am not a lobster. Of course I'm going to stay with Claire. I was just going through some momentary doubts, and I needed your guidance.5:23
Martin
Well, glad you got what you needed.5:34
Frasier
Thank you. I feel completely at ease now. No more doubts, no more nagging questions. I'm just being a little overly cautious, that's all.5:34
Daphne
Who could blame you?5:45
Daphne
I'm not sure about Claire either. God knows she has quite the fan club around here, but I think you can do much better. You'll know when you meet the right person. You feel it in your gut.5:47
Frasier
It's true. But you see, I don't want to feel like I'm leading her on. Maybe I should just tell her what I'm going through. You know, be completely honest.6:03
Guy
Whoa, that's just what you don't want to do.6:13
Frasier
So, you vote for Claire?6:15
Guy
I don't know. Lana has her good points. And don't underestimate the crush you had on her in 11th grade. But Claire can give you sophisticated conversation. And she leaves a clean area!6:19
Guy
I don't envy you your choice. Lift your feet, please.6:32
Niles
Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?6:44
Roz
[glances up, then checks her watch] Yes, it's- [double-take] Niles?6:46
Niles
[Jamaican accent] Ya, mon!6:48
Roz
You look... did you get hit on the head by a coconut?6:51
Niles
The coconut of revelation. I discovered a whole new side of myself in Belize, and I'm not going to abandon Island Niles just 'cause my vacation's over.6:57
Roz
Well, Island Niles might want to rethink the short pants.7:05
Niles
Island Niles would prefer not to wear pants at all. You should have seen us, Roz - out in the elements, nothing on our bodies but sunblock 120. It was exhilarating and primal, and... frankly, it's disappointing to have to strap myself back into these fabric shackles.7:10
Roz
So you're going to be spending your time at the nude beach now?7:30
Niles
Seattle has a nude beach?7:34
Roz
Well, not officially, but just south of Alki, there's this little strip near the White House.7:36
Niles
Thanks for the tip, Roz.7:42
Roz
Here's another one: don't go on Thursdays, it's Senior Volleyball Day.7:44
Frasier
Oh well, Roz, I see you've met Island Niles. At least he did you the courtesy of putting a shirt on.7:48
Niles
[proudly] I'm still not wearing underpants.7:54
Frasier
[to the counter person] May I have a latte, please? [sits down] Well, Roz, you'll be pleased to know I have come to a decision: Claire it is; So long, Lana!8:01
Roz
Are you sure?8:05
Frasier
Trust me, Roz. The brain is racked, the soul is searched, the window is closed. Claire in, Lana out.8:09
Roz
I'm glad to hear it.8:15
Frasier
Yes.8:15
Lana
Hey, Roz. Hi, Frasier.8:16
Frasier
Lana, uh, hi, uh... hello.8:19
Lana
Wow, you look great.8:22
Frasier
Not as great as you do. I mean, thanks.8:26
Kirby
Hey, Roz.8:29
Roz
Kirby.8:29
Kirby
It's been too long.8:33
Roz
No, it hasn't.8:33
Kirby
Or has it?8:37
Roz
No.8:37
Frasier
So, what brings you here?8:41
Lana
Well, actually we just picked up the invitations for Kirby's graduation party.8:42
Frasier
Oh!8:44
Lana
Roz, you're invited too. After all, you motivated Kirby to study.8:46
Roz
Well, no, Frasier was the one who helped him. I was just his last-minute prom date.8:50
Kirby
You were the prize that I kept my eyes on! And, uh, for your FYI, I'm cool for hanging out, just as platatonic friends, or whatever.8:54
Lana
Um, Kirby, we should go if we're gonna pick up your inhaler.9:07
Kirby
Thanks a lot, Mom! [to Roz] I only need it in the fall.9:10
Lana
Well, we'll see you at the party.9:20
Frasier
Right.9:20
Lana
Hey, Frasier, don't you be a stranger.9:21
Frasier
Oh, no, I-I won't. Uh, don't you be a stranger, either. To me.9:23
Roz
Let me guess: Lana in, Claire out.9:36
Frasier
What, that? Oh, that was nothing. It's just, she merely caught me off guard. Don't go reading anything into that.9:36
Roz
OK, if you say so. [gets up] Listen, Frasier, I got to go.9:47
Frasier
Oh, alright.9:50
Roz
But let not... either us... be strangers... be.9:50
Clerk
Oh, I apologize for the inconvenience, but, uh, at least there's a happy ending, right?10:01
Frasier
[sarcastic] My suitcase is inside this to keep it safe?10:09
Clerk
So...10:16
Frasier
That is not my bag.10:16
Clerk
Right. I'll keep looking.10:17
Man
Have you been waiting here long?10:24
Frasier
Time is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell — a place where even despair dies. Prepare yourself for a lifetime...10:26
Man
Oh, here it is!10:36
Frasier
Oh, well, how nice for you.10:38
Man
Hey, you're Dr. Frasier Crane, aren't you? I'm a big fan!10:42
Frasier
[shakes his hand] Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan.10:45
Man
Yeah, thanks. Hey, do you give advice, you know, off the clock?10:47
Frasier
Well, this isn't really a good time.10:50
Man
Well, because I've really gotten my life into a tangle.10:50
Frasier
I'm sorry.10:53
Man
No, but, you see, I'm torn between these two women!10:53
Frasier
I'm listening.10:57
Man
I'm with this woman, her name's Kathy, she's great. But the only problem is, I can't stop thinking about my ex. I mean, she was a real handful, but now that we're apart, I just miss her like crazy.11:00
Frasier
Of course you do! And no matter how hard you try to focus on this new relationship, your mind keeps drifting back to her.11:09
Man
Exactly! I mean, I even have these, um...11:15
Frasier
Dreams!11:20
Man
Yes! Wow, you're good. What should I do?11:20
Frasier
Well, what are you thinking of doing?11:25
Man
Classic shrink response. Um, I'm thinking... do I really want to break things off with this woman?11:29
Frasier
Who you thought was so perfect for you.11:37
Man
OK, but how perfect could she be if I'm obsessing about another woman?11:37
Frasier
That's the conundrum!11:42
Man
I know, but am I sure enough to break her heart?11:42
Frasier
Especially when the rest of the family just loved her.11:47
Man
Yeah- no, they don't.11:50
Frasier
Alright, stick with me, stick with me. It all boils down to this: which of these two women do you see spending the rest of your life with?11:50
Man
Right. Right, of course. Well, I think it's pretty obvious what I have to do. What a relief! Thanks, Doc. [starts to leave]12:05
Frasier
Wait, wait! Let's go back! Just so I'm sure you're sure-12:16
Man
Yeah.12:19
Frasier
Who are you picking?12:22
Man
My ex! I mean, if I'm really honest with myself, she's the one I love. As long as I stay with Kathy, I'm just being a jerk.12:24
Frasier
No, well, to be fair, you have struggled with these issues.12:30
Man
No, I've really just been trying to have my cake and eat it too. [shakes his hand] Thanks, Dr. Crane. I know what I have to do now.12:32
Daphne
I'm sorry I'm a little late, I'll start your lunch right away.12:47
Martin
Oh, no need. Claire made the best deviled ham sandwich in the history of deviling.12:50
Daphne
Oh, too bad. I missed her.12:56
Martin
Mm, more good news! She's still here.12:58
Claire
Here you go, Marty.13:01
Martin
Oh, thanks, toots.13:01
Daphne
Claire! I can't imagine you came all the way over here just to make sandwiches.13:04
Claire
Oh, no. Here, let me take those. [takes the groceries] I'm making fish jerky. [heads back to the kitchen, but stops] You know the secret to making fish jerky, don't you, Marty?13:07
Martin
No idea.13:17
Claire
Feed 'em coffee.13:18
Martin
Feed 'em...? [laughs uproariously, Claire laughs with him] That's terrific! You hear that, Daph?13:18
Daphne
I'm standing right here.13:25
Martin
Don't you love her laugh? It's like music.13:28
Claire
Marty, you are just the sweetest! [goes to the kitchen]13:30
Daphne
You used to think my accent sounded musical, didn't you... Marty?13:35
Martin
Yeah, but now I'm used to it.13:38
Niles
Afternoon, Daphne, Dad.13:44
Martin
Niles.13:44
Daphne
What happened to my noble savage?13:46
Niles
[hangs up his coat] I'll tell you what happened. Roz told me about this wonderful nude beach, so I went down there this morning to check it out for us. Well, it was so peaceful I decided to do my sunrise Tai Chi, have my naked body caressed by the rosy fingers of the new dawn, you know?13:49
Martin
Oh, jeez.14:03
Niles
Well, I left my clothing and my cares in the car, walked down to the beach and settled in for my first exercise, "Grasping the Bird's Tail."14:04
Niles
Just at that moment, the sun peeked over the mountaintops, illuminating not only my splendid nakedness, but the bus for the Christian Women's Society.14:14
Martin
They went to a nude beach?14:23
Niles
No, and neither did I. Uh, the next few minutes are a blur, as I zig-zagged my way back to the car, while being pelted with driftwood and Bibles. Needless to say, Island Niles died on that beach.14:25
Daphne
Oh, honey. Will he ever be back?14:39
Niles
Maybe at Christmas.14:41
Frasier
Hello, all. [sees Niles] Oh, Niles, welcome back.14:47
Claire
Hi, Frasier.14:54
Frasier
Claire.14:55
Claire
Did you get your luggage?14:55
Frasier
Uh, no. They didn't have it. Uh, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute?14:58
Claire
Sure.15:04
Daphne
OK, Mr. Crane, it's time for your exercises.15:05
Martin
Already did 'em.15:07
Niles
When have you ever done your exercises before lunch?15:09
Martin
Claire and I did 'em together. She has a way of making them seem like fun!15:12
Daphne
Yeah, well, if they're fun they're not really working, but all right!15:15
Martin
Actually, Claire says-15:20
Daphne
Oh, shut up.15:20
Claire
If we need privacy, it's either very good or very bad.15:25
Frasier
Well, it's-it's not so good, I'm afraid. Uh, I realize this is sudden. It's just that I've been tossing and turning for the last several days, and I just can't keep going like this.15:29
Claire
Well, what are you talking about?15:41
Frasier
Well, Claire, I'm talking about... parting ways. I'm sorry.15:45
Claire
It's over? Just like that?15:52
Frasier
Claire, I realize how painful this must be for you.15:55
Frasier
Ow! You kicked me!15:59
Claire
Well, you dumped me!16:00
Frasier
I said I was sorry!16:03
Frasier
OW!16:06
Niles
Well, I guess I'll go home and take down the hammock. I love you, darling. [kisses her]16:09
Daphne
I love you, too.16:14
Niles
Hello? Hello, Roz. The wrong beach, really? Thanks for the warning, that would have been embarrassing.16:19
Daphne
Well, see you later.16:30
Claire
Well, actually you won't. Frasier just dumped me.16:32
Daphne
What? What happened?16:36
Claire
I honestly don't know! I was having such a good time, and... now I'm out here. I-I don't even know what went wrong!16:38
Daphne
Oh, um, I'm sorry.16:47
Claire
I really liked him. I liked all of you so much. I was starting to feel like part of the family. I was... hoping we'd end up like sisters.16:52
Daphne
Sisters?17:03
Claire
I never had a sister, [voice breaks] just brothers.17:05
Daphne
[voice breaks] Same here!17:10
Martin
What the hell happened? Claire just ran out of here without even saying goodbye.17:15
Frasier
We broke up.17:19
Martin
What?!17:19
Frasier
Well, I broke up with her.17:20
Martin
You are a piece of work, aren't you? You just couldn't stand a good thing, could you? I bet you were planning on this since Belize.17:23
Frasier
I have not!17:31
Martin
Ah, don't give me that. You did the same thing you always do: you go around asking everybody's advice, then you just do whatever the hell you want - and it's usually wrong, by the way!17:31
Frasier
Look, I was just being true to my feelings, Dad. There's no reason to be mad at me.17:42
Martin
I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I knew this was coming and I let myself get attached.17:44
Frasier
Well, I'm sorry, Dad. Claire's great, it's just she's not the right person for me. Daphne knows! [to her] Will you tell him?17:53
Frasier
OW! Would you people stop doing that!18:00
Lana
Oh, come in! [sees gifts] Oh, you didn't have to do this!18:12
Roz
[as she takes them, to Frasier] Told you.18:16
Frasier
I sense a scholar in our midst! [shakes Kirby's hand] Ha-ha, congratulations, Kirby! Let's see the sheepskin!18:20
Kirby
Dude! Wait until the party gets going a little.18:26
Frasier
[trades a look with Roz, then] Good thinking. I'll just, uh, see what your mother's doing. [goes to kitchen]18:35
Kirby
Hi, Roz.18:39
Roz
Kirby.18:39
Kirby
Got our prom pictures back.18:41
Kirby
I had them retouched a little. You're smiling in them now.18:44
Roz
[looking at the pictures] I notice you also have your hand on my ass.18:50
Kirby
Where? Oh, you mean now. Do you not like it?18:53
Frasier
You know, I'm having a devil of a time with this cheese can.19:04
Lana
Just hold the nozzle close to the cracker so you make a little flower, like this. [does] Here, try one. [feeds him the cracker]19:08
Frasier
Mmm, well, I can honestly say that is the best canned cheese I've ever had. [they laugh] Lana, listen, there's something I'd like to talk with you about.19:21
Lana
If this is about Claire, I already know.19:36
Frasier
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, it's just I-19:38
Lana
Frasier-19:44
Frasier
She's a perfectly wonderful girl-19:40
Lana
You don't have to explain it to me. I mean, sometimes you just don't feel it. That's OK.19:40
Frasier
Really? I thought you'd be mad at me.19:49
Lana
Well, why would I be mad? I mean, it's not like I get a commission on every match I make. [laughs]19:50
Frasier
So, we're OK?19:58
Lana
Well, sure we're OK. We're better than OK.20:01
Frasier
Right. Better than OK.20:06
Girl
[o.s.] You total slut!20:08
Frasier
Oh. Oh no, Roz. Uh... [gets up]20:11
Kristi
You told me not to come because this was just gonna be some boring party with your mom's friends!20:16
Kirby
Roz is my mom's friend!20:21
Kristi
She was your prom date!20:21
Kirby
...Damn, baby, why you got to be this way? I'm trying to show you respect by keeping you from seeing my other lady!20:25
Roz
I was never his lady!20:32
Kirby
Damn, baby, that's cold.20:32
Kristi
She's old enough to be your mother practically!20:37
Roz
Damn, baby, now THAT'S cold.20:39
Kristi
Whatever!20:42
Kirby
Wow. That did not go so great.20:46
Frasier
Well, those things rarely do, Kirby.20:48
Bob
Hey, buddy!20:53
Kirby
Dad, you're here!20:54
Bob
Oh, I wouldn't miss it for anything! [hugs his son] Where's Mom? I really need to talk to her.20:54
Kirby
I'll go get her. [exits]20:58
Bob
[sees Frasier] Wow, small world! What are you doing here?21:00