The Proposal
Aired 4th February 2002 · Written by Rob Hanning · Directed by Wil Shriner
Frasier
Niles, are you sure you want to do this without Daphne? You know, when Lilith and I got engaged, she insisted on being involved with the ring selection process.0:10
Niles
I appreciate your concern, Frasier, but I want to surprise her.0:18
Martin
[pointing] How 'bout this one? It's nice and sparkly.0:21
Niles
[looking] That's an earring, Dad.0:24
Martin
Huh? Oh, I guess I better put on my glasses.0:24
Frasier
Niles, prepare to relinquish your breath.0:29
Niles
Which one?0:33
Frasier
That one right there.0:33
Niles
Next to the gaudy one?0:35
Niles
The GAUDY one?0:39
Frasier
All right, all right, which one do you like?0:40
Niles
I was thinking of something more along the lines of that one, with the feathered band. What do you think?0:43
Frasier
I think it's a good thing I'm here to talk you out of it.0:47
Niles
I'm think I'm starting to regret bringing you along at all.0:50
Frasier
I think it's a...0:53
Clerk
Gentlemen, gentlemen, I'm sure we can find something that will bring you both a lifetime of happiness.0:54
Martin
[laughing] Oh, no! They're not a couple! My son Niles is here to pick out an engagement ring for his girlfriend Daphne. And Frasier, who's been married twice, just came along to help him.1:01
Clerk
I'm very sorry, I'll come back when you've had more time to look around.1:12
Niles
Where did that come from?1:18
Frasier
I mean, REALLY! To just assume something like that, out of the blue...1:20
Both
Latent!1:24
Martin
Well you gotta admit, it wasn't such a big leap, given the situation.1:28
Frasier
And just what is that supposed to...?1:32
Frasier
What bejeweled seraph has escaped her provenance now?1:36
Martin
I'm gonna go see if there's a line at the Orange Julius.1:42
Frasier
Now, I have several candidates, Niles, but before you turn up your nose at this...1:46
Niles
That's it, right there. That's Daphne's ring.1:49
Frasier
The very one I was going to show you.1:52
Niles
Stylish...1:55
Frasier
Classic...1:55
Niles
Stunning... Daphne. [to the clerk] Excuse me? I'd like to see that one, please.1:56
Clerk
Excellent choice, sir.2:01
Frasier
Do you know her ring size?2:04
Niles
Oh, even better, her ring finger is exactly the same size as mine.2:04
Clerk
Well, perhaps you should try this on, then.2:11
Niles
Oh, it's...2:15
Niles
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous. I think it just hit me what this all means.2:15
Niles
What happened?2:23
Frasier
Nothing, it's just my back. It's been acting up a bit in the last week.2:23
Niles
Well, here, do you want me to give you a hand up?2:27
Frasier
No, no, here's the ring, I'll just stay down here for a moment.2:27
Frasier
Does it fit? Oh, here, let me help. No, come on. Oh, Niles.2:32
Niles
Frasier, it's perfect! You know, I always dreamed this would happen!2:39
Martin
No, wait! They're not a couple!2:45
Martin
Oh, jeez.2:51
Roz
Hey, Niles.3:23
Roz
Is something wrong?3:28
Niles
No, no, I uh...3:28
Roz
Oh my God, is that Daphne's proposal?3:32
Niles
What? No, I don't, what are you...3:33
Roz
Frasier told me.3:37
Niles
That gossiping ninny!3:38
Roz
Don't worry, he swore me to secrecy.3:38
Niles
I swore HIM to secrecy!3:44
Roz
So how's it coming?3:48
Niles
I'm afraid I poured so much emotion into this speech I don't know if I can say it all without crying.3:49
Roz
Oh, that's okay. Women like a man who isn't afraid to shed a few tears.3:56
Niles
Last time I got all the way through it, I got dehydrated.4:01
Roz
Well, maybe if you cut it down a little bit, you could get through it before the waterworks start. Let me take a look?4:06
Roz
Well, what about this paragraph here? I mean, aren't words like "hopeless" and "despairing" kind of a downer in a proposal?4:16
Niles
Oh, well this is where I describe my life before I met her. See, and then comes the part where she comes along and the meter changes to a more sprightly iambic4:24
Roz
It's all right. I'm sure there's other stuff we can cut.4:47
Roz
Thank you. Okay, like here: I mean, now do you really have to compare her to three different roses?4:47
Niles
Well, which one would you have me eliminate? The one that represents her beauty or her passion or... [breaking down again] her sense of humor...4:58
Roz
Niles, you're just making this too complicated. I mean, all we really want is for a guy to get down on one knee and say, "I love you. Will you be my... wife?"5:09
Frasier
Excellent. Nice bite, smooth oaky blend.5:32
Niles
Mmm, lovely finish. I think this is definitely a contender. How about you, Dad?5:37
Martin
Well, this one dislodged that piece of pot roast that's been buggin' me since lunch.5:42
Martin
I'm sorry, Niles, I'm just not the right guy to help you pick a wine for your proposal dinner.5:49
Niles
Well, Dad, this is an important night for me, and, and I want you to play an important part.5:54
Martin
I guess it is an honor to be included. Thanks. [rising] Well, time to cleanse my palate, I'm gonna get a beer.5:59
Niles
[leans forward] Now?6:11
Frasier
Not yet.6:11
Niles
Well, exactly how drunk does he have to get?6:13
Frasier
[pouring more wine] To agree to take Daphne's mother out while you propose to her? DRUNK, Niles.6:15
Niles
You're right. Fill 'er up. Go ahead.6:19
Martin
[offstage] Whoopsy.6:22
Niles
You're sure he hasn't had enough?6:25
Frasier
Dad, what was the name of that widow you dated several years ago?6:27
Martin
You mean Claire Wojadubakowski?6:31
Frasier
Not yet.6:33
Martin
Well, my taste buds are all sudsy clean.6:37
Niles
Let's dive right back in. Bottom's up.6:44
Martin
Boy, I tell ya, I haven't had this much to drink since the night I proposed to your mother.7:00
Niles
Really?7:08
Martin
Yeah. That was quite a night, I was nervous as hell...7:08
Frasier
I love this story.7:13
Martin
And then she said "No."7:15
Frasier
What? I've never heard this version.7:15
Martin
Well, she wanted to get married, but she just wasn't ready.7:20
Frasier
Well, what was it that finally convinced her to say "Yes"?7:23
Martin
Oh, you don't want to know.7:26
Frasier
Well, come on, Dad, what Marty Crane magic did you weave to get her to change her mind?7:28
Martin
Actually, I didn't change her mind, Fras. You did.7:35
Frasier
Oh, dear God!7:45
Martin
I'll never forget the look on that minister's face when your mother waddled down the aisle of Saint Barthalelamew. Did you hear what I said? I said "Barthalamar..."7:48
Niles
Dad, there's a question I've been meaning to ask you...7:58
Frasier
Niles, how can you change the subject after this bombshell?8:01
Frasier
You knew?8:05
Niles
Well, remember that time I had the chicken pox? Mom told me to cheer me up.8:07
Frasier
Oh, go ahead.8:17
Niles
Thank you. So, uh, listen, Dad. Daphne and I, of course, want to be alone on the big night.8:17
Martin
[laughs and nudges him] Oh, yeah.8:26
Niles
And I was wondering if perhaps you could take Daphne's mother out for the evening.8:28
Martin
You want me to take out Daphne's mother?! Is that what this has all been about?8:33
Niles
No! More wine?8:37
Martin
I can't stand that woman! But if it'll help you out, sure I'll do it. I'll go out with her.8:42
Niles
Oh, Dad, thank you! I will never forget this.8:49
Martin
Forget what? Ha! Just kiddin' ya.8:54
Daphne
Hello, all.9:00
Niles
[rising] Hello. How was the movie?9:00
Gertrude
Not bad, considering my daughter's famous sense of direction made us forty-five minutes late. Then she got me popcorn without butter and kept shushing me, just because I can predict what people will say next in a movie. [sweetly] Hello, Marty.9:03
Martin
Ah, excuse me.9:19
Martin
I need a beer! Now, now!9:24
Frasier
Dad, you know we were just talking about the fact that I was a, a guest at your wedding?9:28
Martin
Yeah?9:38
Frasier
Well, it's just the least bit startling and I have always respected you and Mother and the decisions that you made throughout your lifetime, but this information does beg one question. Dad, am I...?9:41
Martin
A year older? No. Your birthday's the same, we just faked our anniversary all these years.10:03
Frasier
[collapsing with relief] Oh, thank heavens!10:11
Gertrude
You know, Marty, I'm not surprised you asked me out.10:20
Martin
Um, you're not?10:24
Gertrude
Oh, don't be coy. A romantic boat ride to a remote island. I know when a man's trying to seduce me.10:24
Martin
Uh, Mrs. Moon...10:34
Gertrude
Oh, it was inevitable, really. I mean, here we are, two comfortable old shoes, looking for new mates.10:35
Martin
Actually, I'm not that comfortable.10:45
Gertrude
Oh, maybe you just need someone to break you in.10:48
Suzy
Isn't that Marty Crane, from work?10:52
Peg
Right.10:52
Suzy
Didn't you two have a thing goin' on?10:57
Peg
No, we just made out at the office party.10:59
Suzy
Then what happened? Blew you off?11:02
Peg
Actually, I think he was kind of interested. He slipped a Note in my lunch, he drove past my house, he called me a couple of times and hung up.11:04
Suzy
And you didn't do anything. What were you thinking? He's cute.11:12
Peg
He is cute, isn't he?11:15
Gertrude
What a wonderful sunset. I bet you ordered it just for me, didn't you, Marty?11:17
Martin
Actually, the sun goes down almost every night.11:23
Gertrude
Oh, you! Stop making me fall in love with you.11:26
Martin
Uh, you know, I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding here. I didn't mean this to be a DATE date, more of a friendship thing. You know, I really enjoy your company...11:31
Gertrude
No, no. I should have known. [getting up] What could you possibly want with a dried-up old prune like me?11:43
Martin
[following her] You're not a dried-up old...11:51
Gertrude
Please, I don't want your pity. I'll just stand at the bar and drink all night. Even though my doctor told me one more episode could cost me me liver.11:51
Martin
Oh, now come on...12:02
Gertrude
If you want to pretend not to know me, I'll understand completely.12:02
Martin
Look, you've misunderstood what I said.12:07
Gertrude
Oh, then you don't think I'm unattractive?12:10
Martin
Unattractive? You said that, not me. 12:14
Suzy
It's not too late, go over there and say hello.12:21
Peg
He's with somebody! It'd be weird.12:23
Suzy
You don't have to make a play for him, just say hello. You Can tell by his reaction whether or not he's still interested.12:25
Martin
Gertrude, this is wrong. Your husband just left you, you're vulnerable.12:31
Gertrude
I'm not vulnerable. I'm ripe and receptive.12:38
Martin
Okay, I'll tell you the truth. You know, I was shot, right?12:43
Gertrude
Yes, in the hip.12:52
Martin
Except that the damage wasn't confined to the hip. There were fragments that traveled... south.12:53
Gertrude
Ohhh. You mean...?13:04
Martin
Yep.13:04
Gertrude
Yes, but you can still...13:07
Martin
Nope.13:07
Gertrude
But they have pills now...13:09
Martin
Nope.13:12
Gertrude
Acupuncture?13:13
Martin
Ooh! Don't remind me!13:13
Martin
No, the sad fact is, it just doesn't work.13:18
Martin
I have absolutely no sexual feeling in my groin area, period.13:24
Gertrude
Oh, Marty, that's terrible. Oh, I am sorry I brought it up.13:32
Martin
Oh, that's all right, no harm done.13:37
Frasier
Excuse me, Mr. Puck?13:49
Wolfgang
Yes, Dr. Crane?13:52
Frasier
I, I couldn't help noticing, the crab cakes are getting just a bit... brown.13:54
Wolfgang
They're getting beautifully crunchy.14:00
Frasier
I see. Because when I said "brown" I actually meant more like "black"... like "burned."14:00
Wolfgang
They're Cajun.14:10
Niles
Is everything all right in here?14:13
Wolfgang
With the food, no problem. [motions at Frasier]14:13
Frasier
Everything's under control, Niles, we're all set. You just relax, okay?14:19
Niles
I can't believe it, I've worked so hard to make everything perfect for Daphne and now the moment is... almost... [sniffing] do I smell burning crab?14:23
Wolfgang
It's Cajun!14:31
Niles
It's her!14:36
Frasier
Go! God speed!14:36
Niles
Everyone, everyone, places, places!14:41
Niles
Coming, my sweet!14:44
Niles
Are you all right?14:51
Daphne
Don't touch me, I have the flu.14:51
Niles
Oh, you poor dear. Here, here, here, come here. Sit right down here until we're ready to eat.14:56
Daphne
I can't eat. I need me mouth to breathe. I hope you didn't go to too much trouble with dinner.15:02
Niles
Oh, no, no. I uh... Hey, you know what? A good cup of tea and you'll be rallying in no time. [rising] You'll never guess what I have planned for tonight.15:13
Daphne
All I want to do is stuff Kleenex up me nose, collapse on the couch and pray for death.15:22
Niles
Keep guessing.15:29
Daphne
I'm sorry, Niles.15:32
Niles
Oh, that's all right. You lie here. I'll go heat up some soup in the kitchen.15:32
Niles
Dinner's off.15:44
Wolfgang
[turning] What did you say?15:44
Frasier
Look, Niles, even if the crab cakes are a total write-off, we can still salvage a meal...15:47
Niles
No, no. Daphne's sick. Oh, oh, Wolfgang. Could you open up a can of plain chicken broth and heat it up for me?15:51
Frasier
You're just canceling everything? The choir, the string quartet, the dry ice?16:00
Niles
Yes, all of it. I want this proposal to be the greatest night of Daphne's life. What's the point of doing it if she's too sick to enjoy it?16:02
Frasier
Yes, but we spent weeks pulling all of this together.16:10
Niles
Well, we'll just get everybody back sometime when she's feeling better.16:12
Wolfgang
[muttering] Not everybody.16:15
Niles
All right, all right, listen. I'll take Daphne into the guest room to lie down so you can get everyone out of here. Just be quiet, I don't want to spoil the surprise for next time.16:22
Frasier
Rest assured, she won't suspect a thing.16:29
Daphne
[from the other room] Niles? I think there's a bird loose in here.16:32
Frasier
[guiltily] I thought doves might be a nice addition.16:37
Daphne
It looked like a dove.16:42
Niles
Oh, I think your fever is causing you to hallucinate.16:44
Niles
[loudly] Come along, let's take you to the guest room for a good lie down.16:55
Daphne
[rising] Why are you yelling?16:59
Niles
Because your ears are all stuffed up.16:59
Daphne
No, they're not.17:02
Niles
They're not? Oh, maybe mine are. Gee, I hope I'm not getting what you have.17:02
Frasier
Shh, shh, everyone! Very quietly, I have an announcement to make. I'm terribly sorry, but tonight's festivities have been indefinitely postponed, due to illness.17:18
Angel
But we still get paid, right?17:32
Frasier
Yes, you still get paid. Now, I need all of you to file, quickly and quietly, out the front door. It is imperative that the young lady not know any of you were ever here.17:32
Daphne
[from off stage] I'm telling you, that room has a draft.17:44
Frasier
Hit the dirt!17:47
Daphne
[o.s] Why can't we sit in the living room and build a nice fire?17:49
Niles
[as they come in] No, no, no, we can't go in the living room, it... has... that... [looking around] of course we can go in the living room and have a nice fire! Come here and sit down. Do you want to borrow my pajamas?17:51
Daphne
No, I feel silly in those, they're so big and baggy.18:04
Niles
I'm the only one here who's gonna see you.18:07
Niles
Oh, how about some tea?18:19
Daphne
Not now.18:19
Niles
Oh, I have some of those raspberry candies you like.18:28
Daphne
[pats the arm of the couch] No, you stay right here next to me, Niles Crane.18:31
Niles
Get you a blanket, you'll catch a chill, darling. Get you all comfy.18:38
Daphne
Oh, I'm sorry I ruined our evening.18:45
Niles
Oh, you did nothing of the sort.18:48
Daphne
I don't know what I did to deserve you.18:50
Niles
You kidding? I got the better end of this deal.18:50
Daphne
Oh, yeah, look at me: nose running, hair a mess, I must look a real fright.18:54
Niles
You are simply the most adorable creature I have ever seen on this Earth.19:19
Daphne
Oh, I'm sure.19:23
Niles
No, I mean it. From your beautiful toes all the way up to your crusty nose, there's not an inch of you that I don't adore.19:23
Niles
You know, it's funny. You could take a million years to plan the perfect evening, and you'd never come up with this. Daphne, I have to ask you a question.19:43
Daphne
Hold on.19:57
Daphne
You were saying?20:16
Niles
Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes and your exquisite ankles and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers, shoulders... [holds up the ring] Will you marry me?20:19
Daphne
...Oh, Niles! Of course I will.20:46