Three Blind Dates
Aired March 5, 2002 · Written by Gayle Abrams · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Skyline
Red, yellow, and blue balloons rise over the buildings.0:00
Roz
Hey, Daphne!0:10
Daphne
Hey, Roz.0:10
Roz
Hey, Niles.0:11
Niles
Come on in.0:11
Roz
Is Frasier here? I need him to approve the latest version of his bio.0:12
Niles
[taking it from Roz] Why does he keep updating his bio? What's changed in the last few years. [reading] Oh, his date of birth! He's now four years younger than I am.0:16
Daphne
Well, that's silly. Does everyone fake their age in radio?0:28
Roz
[with anxiety] No! [Daphne chuckles.]0:32
Daphne
Oh, Roz, sit down. I'm glad you're here. There's something we want to ask you. [Roz sits between Daphne and Niles.] When Niles and I get married, it would make us very happy if you would serve as maid of honor.0:32
Roz
[flattered] Really? I'm so touched. I don't know what to say. Well, of course, of course I'll do it. [She embraces Daphne.]0:46
Niles
Now, uh, set aside September 1st.0:54
Roz
Oh, is that Labor Day weekend?0:56
Niles
Yeah, is that a problem.1:00
Roz
Well, there's this picnic that I always go to, and I make the potato salad. [Daphne and Niles look bemused and slightly hurt during this speech.] What am I saying? Your wedding is more important than potato salad or any salad! [She and Daphne embrace again.]1:02
Daphne
Then it's settled!1:13
Roz
I'll make the potato salad the night before, and then I'll get someone...[off Niles's look] I'll figure it out.1:14
Frasier
Hello, all!1:22
Roz
Hi!1:22
Niles
Well, look who's here, it's my little brother Frasier!1:23
Roz
I brought your bio.1:26
Frasier
[hanging his coat] Oh, yes, well I'll have to deal with that tomorrow, Roz, I've got to be across town in half an hour. I'm previewing a new Benjamin Locklear exhibit and then I'm having dinner with the artist afterward. Promises to be a very exciting evening!1:26
Daphne
And what lucky lady are you sharing it with?1:37
Frasier
Well, I'm going alone.1:39
Daphne
Oh, I'm sorry.1:41
Frasier
Well, don't be. Truth is, I'm a pretty terrific date. I know when to arrive, I know when to call it a night, and frankly, I always leave myself wanting more. [He exits, smiling.]1:41
Daphne
Oh, it's too bad Dr. Crane doesn't have anyone to share these things with.1:56
Roz
I know. When was the last time he seriously dated anyone?1:59
Daphne
Well, that would be Claire, but that was months ago.2:04
Roz
We should set him up with someone.2:08
Niles
Well, it seems to me he's choosing not to date.2:09
Daphne
[ignoring him] I have this friend at yoga he might like.2:12
Roz
No, she sounds flaky. I have the perfect person for him!2:14
Niles
You know, he's always been completely capable of meeting people on his own.2:18
Daphne
[again ignoring him] No, we should go with my person first. You don't have the best track record.2:22
Roz
Me? Whenever you've set me up with guys, I knew they were losers the second I saw them. They turned out to be bad in bed, too.2:26
Daphne
Well, there's no reason why we both can't try to set him up with someone.2:35
Roz
Okay, but we have to find someone who's gorgeous, sexy, and smart.2:39
Martin
Smart's good, but I'm not a fanatic about it. [He moves to sit in his chair.]2:43
Daphne
It's not for you, it's for Dr. Crane.2:47
Niles
Yes, even though he's expressed no dissatisfaction with his love life whatsoever, these two have decided to make it their mission to find him a mate.2:50
Martin
It's not a bad idea. It's been a long time since Frasier was excited about someone. I kind of miss that spring in his step, you know. The nervous energy he gets where every first date might be "the one." The electricity of that 30-point self-inspection before he rolls out of the showroom.2:56
Niles
But he says he's happy!3:17
Daphne
Isn't that what you would have said too before your brother helped bring us together?3:19
Niles
That's my point exactly, let's start calling babes!3:23
Daphne
What about Caroline? She'd get along great with your brother!3:32
Niles
Is she the one missing a tooth?3:35
Daphne
She had it replaced. That dental school did a good job too. You can only tell it's fake under a black light. [Niles glares. She turns to another page.] What about Jennifer? She's pretty, smart, she has those perky breasts...3:37
Niles
I wouldn't call them perky so much as, uh...[stopping himself] I don't remember Jennifer. [faking an attempt to recollect and then giving it up] Well, besides, didn't Frasier already go out with her?3:54
Daphne
Oh, you're right. Well, that's everyone I know. Oh, it's too bad. I was hoping we could help.4:05
Niles
[reflecting] There is this one woman I know--Lisa. She'd be great. They share a lot of interests. She even owns a bookstore.4:14
Daphne
You've been holding out on me!4:23
Niles
Well, she's a former patient, so that's kind of an ethical gray area. I'm not sure I'm comfortable setting her up with Frasier.4:25
Daphne
What if she didn't know you were setting her up? You could point her out to me and then I could strike up a friendship! We could go out for coffee, see movies, tell each other everything. [moving to the kitchen] Maybe I was a little hasty making Roz my maid of honor.4:32
Niles
[following her to the kitchen] As soon as she finds out you're my fiancée, well...there's my ethical dilemma again.4:49
Daphne
Well, what if they just happened to meet by themselves?4:54
Niles
Like at her bookstore?4:59
Daphne
Exactly.4:59
Niles
Frasier is always going into bookstores. She does own a bookstore. [rationalizing] Over time, it's highly probable he would find himself...in her bookstore. Perhaps I could just place them within range of one another, and I'd just stay out of sight.5:02
Daphne
That'll do. So what does she look like, anyway?5:22
Niles
Oh my God, she's gorgeous! She has these...[sighs and stops himself] I'd have to check my notes.5:23
Niles
Oh, hi, here we are. [They enter the bookstore.]5:41
Frasier
Well, it's a lovely little bookstore, Niles, but I hardly see how it's worth driving all the way across town. Doesn't seem to have much of a selection.5:43
Niles
Well, they don't cater to all tastes, but I'm confident you'll find something to confident your interest.5:52
Niles
Um, Frasier, Frasier. [Frasier approaches him.] Um, Daphne had asked me to provide her with a reading list, you know to broaden her mind.6:03
Frasier
Oh, that's admirable.6:10
Niles
Yeah, and I was thinking of starting with Shakespeare. And, uh, you have such a grasp of his work, I was wondering if you could help me make a selection.6:12
Frasier
Well, of course, although I'm a bit surprised. You always considered yourself the more well-versed.6:19
Niles
Well-versed, yes, but you're the expert.6:24
Frasier
[beaming] I've waited since third grade to hear you say that!6:27
Frasier
Hmm...6:34
Niles
Um, you know, maybe she'd appreciate Shakespeare more if she knew something about him. Perhaps a biography.6:40
Frasier
That's good thinking.6:46
Frasier
Ah.6:48
Niles
[following him] Although, philosophy is the basis of all thought. Any mind-broadening exercise should begin with philosophy.6:51
Frasier
[seeming a bit confused by Niles's behavior] Very well.6:56
Niles
Or sports.6:59
Niles
No, philosophy.7:02
Frasier
You're certain?7:04
Niles
Unquestionably. Go. Go.7:04
Frasier
Here we are. Plato's Republic. Can't say I agree with everything in there, but it's a place to start.7:24
Niles
Ooh, there's a little tear in the cover. Would you get me another copy?7:32
Frasier
Good heavens, Niles, what am I, your lackey?7:34
Niles
No, no, no, I-I'm just engrossed in this [mispronouncing] "Heroes of Nahz-KAR."7:36
Frasier
Fine.7:46
Frasier
Here you go. Pristine condition.7:49
Niles
[defeatedly] Thank you.7:51
Frasier
You know, while we're here, I'd like to try to find a book on the early British monarchy. I've recently read The Isles: A History, and they didn't go into as much detail as I might have liked about the Plantagenets.7:53
Niles
Hmm. [He sees Lisa approaching them.] Well, um, you know, why don't you ask someone here? I found the staff her very knowledgeable.8:03
Frasier
Well, um, yes, all right, all right, I'll be right back.8:09
Frasier
Ah, excuse me. Um, do you happen to have a book on the Plantagenets?8:11
Clark
That's like a banana, right?8:17
Frasier
Never mind. [He returns to Niles.]8:21
Niles
Any luck?8:23
Frasier
Finding dunderheads, yes.8:23
Niles
Oh, well, uh, maybe you should ask someone else.8:25
Frasier
All right, um...8:27
Lisa
Can I help the next person?8:27
Niles
Or maybe what we should do is just pay for our books and go.8:30
Frasier
Niles, we just got here! You're acting very strangely.8:30
Niles
No, I'm not.8:33
Frasier
What the hell is wrong with you?8:37
Niles
Dizzy spell.8:37
Frasier
There's a footstool in the Shakespeare section. Why don't you just go have a seat for a minute?8:40
Niles
I'll be fine, you just pay for the books!8:43
Frasier
Right, yes, of course.8:43
Lisa
Clark, can you take over?8:45
Clark
Sure.8:45
Clark
Hello again!8:51
Frasier
Hello.8:51
Clark
So, did you find what you were looking for?8:52
Frasier
Not really, no.8:52
Clark
OK. [He begins to ring up Frasier's books.]8:55
Frasier
Oh, I have Book-Lover's Discount.8:58
Clark
Ah, we don't accept that.8:59
Frasier
Independent Booksellers?9:01
Clark
No.9:01
Frasier
Uh, Bibliophiles? Dewey Decimal Discount? Dust Jacket Gang?9:04
Clark
I'm sorry. We do have our own card. It's $25.9:09
Frasier
$25? For a little card?9:12
Clark
You get 50% off all purchases.9:14
Frasier
[putting away his cards] Very well. How much will I save today?9:18
Clark
The discount starts with your next purchase.9:21
Frasier
What? What kind of a Ponzi scheme are you operating here?9:23
Clark
Store policy. [We see Niles notice Frasier's raised voice with concern. He approaches the register.]9:26
Frasier
I would like to speak with the store owner please.9:28
Niles
[approaching rapidly] Ooh, what's going on?9:30
Frasier
I'm going to give the owner a piece of my mind.9:31
Niles
Ooh, that's all right, that's all right, forget it, I don't want the book.9:34
Frasier
Yes, you do, you're getting the book!9:34
Niles
No, I don't.9:36
Frasier
You're getting the book and a discount!9:36
Clark
Lisa, we have a card challenge at checkout!9:38
Niles
[nervously] No, no, no, challenge withdrawn.9:41
Frasier
Over my protest!9:41
Niles
No, no, look, we're leaving. Everything's OK.9:44
Frasier
All right, all right. [Niles begins to hurry them out.] You know, by the way, you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!9:45
Roz
I just know the two of you are going to hit it off.9:56
Susanna
I thought you were always complaining he's such a tight-ass.9:59
Roz
Not complaining, bragging, you know? That I work with someone whose got such a tight ass! [She rings the doorbell. Frasier answers.] Frasier! Susanna. Susanna, this is Frasier.10:01
Frasier
Come on in! Roz has told me all about you.10:12
Susanna
She's told me all about you, too.10:15
Frasier
Oh.10:16
Susanna
I thought since you were making dinner, I'd add a little contribution of my own. It's nothing special, just a key lime pie.10:16
Roz
[exuberantly] "Nothing special!" She made the whole thing herself from scratch! The crust, the meringue--she even baked it in a pie plate she fired in her own home kiln!10:22
Susanna
[downplaying Roz's compliments] In my spare time, I use my power of invisibility to fight crime.10:33
Roz
Am I overselling this a little?10:38
Frasier
Just a bit, yes, Roz. Um, I'll just go put this in the kitchen. Why don't you ladies make yourselves comfortable?10:40
Frasier
Would anyone care for some wine?10:52
Susanna
Thank you, sure!10:52
Roz
Frasier knows pretty much everything there is to know about wine. [exuberantly, selling again] Tell us some things about wine, Frasier!10:55
Frasier
[teasing Roz] Sometimes you have to know when to put a cork in it. [He pours the glasses.] So Roz, where's Roger?11:04
Roz
I don't know. I'll call him and see what's holding him up. [strongly encouraging] You know, Susanna, now would be a good time to show Frasier your portfolio. [She sits on the arm of the couch and puts her arm around Susanna.] Susanna's an artist. She even has a gallery that shows her paintings exclusively!11:09
Susanna
[feigning embarassment but clearly pleased with Roz's praise] It's not so much a gallery as a restaurant-slash-bowling alley.11:24
Roz
[placing both hands on Susanna's shoulders and hugging her with admiration, with great exuberance] She's a hell of a bowler too! Someone better snatch her up before she joins a league and there go her Saturday nights! [She has given Susanna's shoulders several enthusiastic shakes during this speech.]11:28
Frasier
Roz, go make your call, all right?11:40
Frasier
[handing Susanna a glass] Here we are.11:43
Susanna
Thank you. I don't usually travel with my portfolio, but she made me bring it.11:43
Frasier
I'm glad she did. I actually fancy myself a bit of collector. I'd love to see it.11:50
Susanna
Oh, all right, but be gentle!11:53
Frasier
Of course.11:55
Frasier
[observing] Oh, boy. Well that is interesting, it's quite remarkable, really!12:01
Susanna
Thanks, the original's hanging over the shoe rental.12:06
Frasier
Wonderful texture...and these blues...so much sadness.12:13
Susanna
[flattered] Most people don't get that.12:20
Frasier
Yes, and your elongated figures are actually reminiscent of Modigliani.12:24
Susanna
That's interesting. I used to love Modigliani as a girl. Maybe I was subconsciously influenced by him.12:27
Frasier
Quite possibly, yes. I see you're also a fan of Benjamin Locklear.12:32
Susanna
[suddenly taken aback and defensive] What?12:35
Frasier
Benjamin Locklear. He has a show...12:35
Susanna
[abruptly and nervously interrupting] I know who he is! His stuff isn't anything like mine!12:37
Frasier
Well, maybe you haven't seen his latest work. You see, I was just in attendance at his most recent opening. I purchased a fantastic piece myself. [He rises and goes to a side table, from which he retrieves a polaroid.] Here, let me show you. Hmm?12:40
Susanna
[taking the picture and rising] Oh, my God!12:52
Frasier
Yes, it's magnificent, isn't it. You know, I'm thinking of putting it in my bedroom to set off the duvet.12:52
Susanna
That hack ripped me off!12:57
Frasier
[shocked] That's quite an accusation.12:59
Susanna
The guy is a thief. Everyone in the art community knows it.12:59
Frasier
[defensively] I consider myself a member of the art community. All I've heard is good things...13:03
Susanna
[with increasing agitation] Oh puh-leeze! The guy steals from lesser-known artists and markets himself to suckers with more money than taste!13:05
Frasier
[calmly, taking the picture] You know what. You're right. Maybe he did copy you. [instantly venomous, with great disdain] Maybe he got his inspiration one evening when he was out bowling a few frames! [He returns the picture to the side-table drawer.]13:18
Susanna
I do not need to be insulted by someone who buys art because it matches his bedspread!13:30
Frasier
It's a duvet and you're delusional!13:36
Susanna
Dilettante!13:38
Frasier
Forger!13:38
Susanna
Man who uses the word "duvet!!" [She marches toward the door with her portfolio.]13:40
Roz
Hey, guys! How's it going?13:46
Frasier
She is crazy! That's how it's going.13:49
Susanna
And for your information, Benjamin Locklear is as overrated as your ass! [She exits in a huff.]13:49
Frasier
What the hell was that supposed to mean?13:59
Roz
[exiting hurriedly] I have no idea. Have a nice weekend.13:59
Martin
What's going on out here?14:04
Frasier
I let Roz set me up on a blind date with one of her friends.14:07
Martin
Ah, big waste of time, huh?14:11
Frasier
Well, there's pie.14:13
Martin
Homemade?14:16
Frasier
Yeah.14:17
Martin
Cherry?14:17
Frasier
Key Lime.14:17
Martin
[excitedly] I can live with that!14:20
Martin
Sorry, son, tough break. [observing the pie] Ooh, I bet it's got a lard crust! Ooh!14:23
Frasier
I brought you a fork, Dad.14:31
Martin
Thanks!14:31
Frasier
I wish I'd never let Roz set me up on that date.14:34
Martin
Well, you can't hit the ball unless you take a swing. Oh!-- Now, there's this gal in the building where I work...14:36
Frasier
[interrupting] Dad, Dad. You're not proposing another blind date?14:43
Martin
Now, she's a beautiful young lawyer, and she couldn't be nicer.14:45
Frasier
I am not interested.14:48
Martin
Now, don't say that. You've got to see her!14:48
Frasier
Dad...14:51
Martin
Frasier, listen to me. [suggestively] You've got to see her!14:52
Frasier
[giving in] A young lawyer, you say?15:00
Kris
Thanks for meeting me here.15:07
Frasier
Sure.15:07
Kris
I thought it would be nice to have a drink before dinner.15:10
Frasier
You know, I don't think I've ever really been here before, but it does have a nice sort of neighborhood feel to it.15:13
Kris
It is my favorite place.15:18
Frasier
Ah. So my dad tells me that you're a lawyer.15:20
Kris
Actually, I'm a legal secretary. But I'm planning to go to law school next fall.15:23
Frasier
Oh. Well, that's admirable. [The bartender hands him a drink.] Thank you. Of course, you know, paradoxically, you'll have to pass the bar if you expect to pass the bar.15:28
Kris
[laughing] You're so funny!15:39
Clint
Hey, Kris.15:43
Kris
Hey, Clint.15:43
Clint
Nice to see you. Hey, that's a great sweater.15:44
Kris
Oh, thank you!15:47
Frasier
[a bit uncomfortable] So, uh, what did my dad tell you about me?15:52
Kris
Oh, he talks about you all the time.15:55
Frasier
Really?15:55
Kris
Yes, he's very proud of you. But what he didn't tell me is how good-looking you are.15:58
Frasier
[flattered] Well, thank you.16:06
Bartender
Compliments of the gentleman in the Hawaiian shirt.16:08
Kris
Thanks, Graham! [She waves. Graham waves back.]16:12
Frasier
[again uncomfortable] So you, uh, you know him?16:16
Kris
[laughing] Oh, you know...16:16
Jason
Hey, you!16:22
Kris
Hey!16:22
Jason
Wouldn't mind stopping and smelling those roses! [He refers to Kris's shirt, which is decorated with white flowers.]16:23
Kris
Oh, you are so funny!16:26
Kris
Jason, this is Frasier. Frasier, Jason.16:28
Frasier
[shaking his hand] Nice to meet you.16:31
Jason
[to Kris] So you owe me a pool game!16:31
Kris
Another time.16:34
Jason
Oh, sounds like somebody's scared!16:34
Kris
Yeah, you! Scared of getting your ass kicked.16:38
Jason
Uh-huh.16:39
Kris
But it'll have to be another time. I'm on a date.16:42
Jason
Frasier doesn't mind. You don't mind, do you?16:45
Frasier
[looking at his watch] Well, uh, actually...16:47
Jason
Thanks, champ.16:47
Kris
I'll be right back!16:49
Jason
Mind if I break?16:53
Kris
Sure, go ahead.16:53
Kris
Looks like you're stripes!16:58
Jason
[flirtatiously] And you are definitely solid.16:58
Kris
[flirting back] Shut up!17:02
Graham
I got next game!17:02
Clint
I'm after Graham! [He stands next to Frasier.]17:05
Frasier
So, uh, how do you know Kris?17:08
Clint
Oh, you know...17:12
Frasier
No, I really don't!17:15
Harry
I got her next! Oh, Kris. I got my car checked out. You were right. It was the transmission.17:18
Kris
[taking a pool shot] Then you owe me a pitcher!17:23
Harry
Oh!17:26
Frasier
[to Harry] So, you've known Kris a long time.17:29
Harry
Who are you?17:31
Frasier
I'm her date. 17:31
Harry
Nice job! She's hot tonight. So who are you?17:34
Frasier
Excuse me.17:41
Frasier
Hello. Oh, Dad. Yeah...Oh, yeah, she's very pretty, and, uh, and nice. A little too nice, perhaps.17:50
Kris
Frasier, the table only takes quarters. Would you get some change?18:11
Frasier
You know, Kris, maybe we should cancel our plans for tonight.18:16
Kris
What?! Why?18:19
Frasier
Well, you're having such a good time with your crowd here.18:21
Kris
No, I--I just have to teach this one guy a lesson, and then I'm all yours, I promise.18:24
Frasier
Well, I guess I could ask the bartender for some change.18:30
Kris
Oh, Smitty's too busy. But try next door at the dry cleaner's. Tell them it's for me.18:33
Frasier
Thanks for the tip. [He takes the bill.]18:39
Kris
You are so sweet. [shouting] Isn't Frasier sweet, guys?18:40
Martin
I thought for sure that Frasier was going to hit it off with Kris. She's really popular in the office!18:50
Daphne
Poor Dr. Crane! I feel like we failed him.18:58
Martin
Well, I'm not ready to throw in the towel. There's this woman at the dog park...19:00
Daphne
[interrupting, to Niles] Well, if you're going to try again, we should try again too.19:04
Niles
Maybe Frasier had the right attitude by leaving it up to fate.19:07
Daphne
There's nothing wrong with lending a helping hand. Maybe we were destined to fix him up with someone.19:10
Niles
[as the voice of wisdom and reason] No, I'm afraid whatever we wanted for Frasier, fate had other plans.19:15
Frasier
Hi, uh, can you give me change for a dollar.19:22
Andy
No change.19:24
Frasier
It's for Kris.19:27
Andy
Oh, yeah, sure!19:27
Andy
Here you go.19:34
Frasier
Thank you.19:34
Andy
Hi, Lisa.19:35
Lisa
Oh, Andy. Can you get out spray paint?19:35
Andy
How did this happen?19:39
Lisa
I was at the new Benjamin Locklear exhibit--and this crazy woman came in and started ranting about how he'd ripped off her work. And then she started spray-painting everything! Actually, I don't know if I should clean it or hold onto it until after she dies. [Andy does not react to the joke.] You know, because art increases in value after the artist...[Andy still does not react.] Think you can get this out?19:42
Frasier
Excuse me, you only gave me three quarters and a nickel.20:05
Andy
Huh, I guess I don't have any more quarters left. You want your dollar back?20:09
Lisa
Oh, I might have some change! Let me look.20:11
Frasier
Oh, that's very kind of you.20:14
Lisa
Um, gum, candy. Oh, oh, oh, oh! There you go. [She hands him a quarter.]20:16
Frasier
Thanks. Um, say, uh, don't you have a coat? It's kind of cold outside.20:19
Lisa
[showing him the claim check] I just got spray paint on mine. I wanted to get it cleaned as soon as possible.20:28
Frasier
Did you put seltzer on it?20:32
Lisa
Of course.20:32
Frasier
You know a lot of people mistakenly use...20:34
Both
Lemon juice. [They laugh.]20:35
Lisa
Which never works.20:38
Frasier
No. No, and it attracts bees.20:38
Lisa
I did not know that!20:42
Frasier
Well, I'm not exactly certain that it attracts bees, but, I mean, um, it does make sense, doesn't it?20:44
Lisa
Not really, but you say it with such authority, I bought it.20:50
Frasier
[laughing and smiling] Oh...say, uh, do you play pool?20:53
Lisa
[finding the question strange] No.20:58
Frasier
[beguiled] Neither do I. Hi, my name is Frasier.21:00
Lisa
[equally delighted] Hi!21:05