The First Temptation of Daphne
Aired 2nd October 2001 · Written by Gayle Abrams · Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Daphne
Hey!0:00
Martin
[grumbling] Thanks, Daph.0:14
Niles
He-hey, Dad!0:14
Martin
Hey, boy. You missed me, huh?0:16
Daphne
So, how was your trip, Mr. Crane?0:20
Martin
Oh, the hunting was awful. I didn't bag a damned thing. [hangs up his coat] Duke and I sat there for two days just waiting for something to happen. It's like when Frasier took me to see "Nicholas Nickleby." Thank God this time I had a gun!0:22
Niles
Dinner is almost ready. Shall I set you a place or would it make you feel better to go out and shoot your own eggplant?0:37
Frasier
Dad, what have I told you about bivouacking in the entrance way?0:44
Martin
I'm sorry.0:48
Frasier
Well, how was your hunting trip?0:50
Martin
Oh, came home empty-handed.0:52
Frasier
Oh, dear. I guess that means for the next several weeks we'll hear you grouse about the grouse and carp about the carp. [laughs at his own joke as he carries Martin's bags over to the hallway]0:52
Niles
You've been working on that, haven't you?1:01
Frasier
Well, there was traffic!1:01
Niles
Oh, Daphne - I have to take the roast out of the oven. I need the recipe for the glaze. Could you get it? It's in my briefcase; in the "Burnt Sienna" colored folder.1:07
Daphne
No problem.1:14
Martin
Brown. But don't tell anyone I know that.1:15
Frasier
Dad - sorry to hear your trip was a bust.1:23
Martin
Oh, it's all right, it wasn't so bad. You know, the worst day of hunting still beats the best day of working.1:23
Frasier
You don't work either!1:30
Martin
You don't think it's work talking to you? Duke, on the other hand, is a lot of fun. You know he can fit twenty- seven marshmallows into his mouth at one time.1:32
Frasier
What was that?1:47
Martin
What was what?1:47
Frasier
That! That's a cricket.1:51
Martin
How did that get in here?1:51
Frasier
It must have stowed away in your gear, get rid of it!1:53
Martin
Oh, don't worry - Eddie'll take care of it. Terriers are born hunters. [puts him down] Go get him, boy.1:55
Daphne
So.... This woman is in love with you.2:08
Niles
[concentrating on the roast] What?2:08
Daphne
Heather Murphy. Says right here she's obsessed with you.2:13
Niles
[realizing] Oh, wrong file - you're not supposed to look at that.2:16
Daphne
Yeah, I can see why. And when were you planning on telling me about this?2:18
Niles
[out of pure honesty] Em, never. [taking the files] These are session notes, they're confidential.2:22
Daphne
But she is in love with you?2:27
Niles
First of all I can't discuss the woman in this file... which, by the way, is clearly umber and not "Burnt Sienna!" I can tell you that it's very common for patients to displace feelings they have for someone else onto their psychiatrist. It's called transference. So even if a patient thinks she might be in love with me, she really isn't. And usually those feelings disappear as therapy progresses. Okay?2:28
Daphne
Okay.2:50
Daphne
So how did she tell you? Did she come on to you? Did she try and kiss you?2:53
Niles
I can't tell you.2:57
Daphne
All right. I understand. Your little secret.3:00
Daphne
Just blink. Once for yes and twice for no.3:06
Frasier
I think it's coming from in here.3:10
Niles
What?3:10
Frasier
Dad has brought home a cricket!3:12
Niles
[genuine fear] A cricket?! Get behind me, Daphne.3:12
Frasier
Everybody freeze! Don't-move-a-muscle.3:19
Frasier
Well, I hope that cricket saw what I just did to this toasted almond!3:35
Frasier
I tell you, Roz, it was the worst night of my life. Just as I begin to doze off, the damned cricket would start strigilating again. Honestly, have you any idea what it's like to be awaken intermittently throughout an entire night?!3:45
Roz
I have a three-year-old, I can't remember the last time I slept through a night.3:56
Frasier
Yes, of course, but this constant chirping and chirping, over and over — really, you can't imagine it.3:59
Roz
Really? Did the cricket crawl into bed with you? Did the cricket throw up on you?4:03
Frasier
Gee, I wish I had a three-year-old so I could win every argument!4:12
Roz
Hey, Daphne.4:19
Daphne
Hey, Roz.4:19
Frasier
Oh, hi, Daph.4:21
Daphne
Dr. Crane. [sits with them] Oh, that scone looks good.4:21
Frasier
Yes, well, it's all right. They call it "Nervosa Berry," but I'm convinced it's just yesterday's banana. I have half a mind to have a discussion with someone about it.4:25
Daphne
[agreeable] You should. [here's the reason why] So what do you know about transference?4:35
Frasier
Hm? Oh, more than most.4:40
Daphne
Is it true that patients can actually fall in love with their therapists?4:42
Frasier
Oh, yes, yes, as a matter of fact it's quite common. You see, in a therapeutic setting a doctor's empathy can be misconstrued as romantic interest, especially when the patient is of a particularly vulnerable nature.4:46
Daphne
But therapists never return those feelings, right?4:59
Frasier
[contemplating, perhaps with Diane in mind] Well, they're not supposed to. But it does happen. Eh, well, I mean, think about it, really, it's... we are human. Transference can be very, very powerful. I remember back in my days of private practice, uh, I did have my share of female adulation.5:01
Roz
Oh my God, were you able to cure them?5:21
Frasier
[gives her a look] I'm not a miracle worker, Roz!5:27
Roz
Do you smell bananas?5:32
Frasier
I knew it! You smell it too! [to a passing waiter] Excuse me. This day-old scone is fooling no-one. [the waiter passes, Frasier stands in anger] Don't you walk away from me. Don't you dare walk away from me.5:32
Roz
Okay, so who is she?5:46
Daphne
Who's who?5:46
Roz
Niles' patient?5:49
Daphne
All right. I saw one of his files by mistake. The woman is madly in love with him.5:52
Roz
So who is she?5:57
Daphne
Her name is Heather Murphy.5:57
Roz
Heather, huh? That's trouble. What else do you know?6:00
Daphne
That's it. I only got a quick look at the files.6:05
Roz
So what are you going to do?6:08
Daphne
Nothing. Niles said he can't talk about his patients. So, what choice do I have? I should trust him.6:08
Roz
If I found out some babe was after my guy I would have to know everything about her. What she looks like, her profession, what she's being treated for.6:18
Daphne
Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.6:26
Roz
What if she's a sex addict?6:26
Daphne
You can be treated for that?6:29
Roz
[cynical] So they say.6:33
Frasier
[unsuccessful] Damn it!6:44
Martin
Oh, geez, are you still at it? Why don't you go in your room? You won't even hear the thing if you close the door.6:44
Frasier
Close my door?! And just concede defeat. I know, here's a better idea: I'll just move out and let him have the run of the place! That's good, I'll have two apartments; One for me, one for my cricket! [off Martin's look] I tried closing my door, I can still hear it.6:52
Frasier
Dear God, can't you make him shut up?!7:10
Martin
That prayer doesn't get answered around here!7:14
Frasier
This is your fault! You're the one who brought him here.7:19
Martin
[sits] What's the big deal? If you were paying a ton of money to stay in some country inn, you'd be loving the sound of crickets.7:23
Frasier
Yes, well, I love a babbling brook too, but it doesn't mean I want one surging through my condo! I'm calling an exterminator.7:26
Martin
No, you can't do that! The chemicals are too dangerous for Eddie.7:33
Frasier
All right, fine. You have twenty-four hours to get that intruder out of here or I'm calling, Eddie or no Eddie!7:38
Frasier
[looking around the room, incensed] It taunts me!7:48
Daphne
So, how was your day?7:57
Niles
Fine. Thank you.8:00
Daphne
Why don't you tell me about it?8:02
Niles
What do you mean?8:02
Daphne
You know, couples come home, they talk about their day. Why don't you ever want to share?8:07
Niles
Well, I-I... suppose I'm not used to it.8:12
Niles
Maris always needed silence to cope with her chronic migraines, Mel couldn't talk because she'd be wearing the moulds from her teeth bleaching kit.8:15
Daphne
Well, I'm interested. Why don't you tell me something about your day?8:25
Niles
Okay. Let me think. [suddenly, excited] I saw the best pair of driving gloves!8:29
Daphne
[less interested than him] That's good. Anything else?8:37
Niles
I had a cob salad for lunch. [beat] You're right, that was fun. [stands] Okay, I'm going to go; brush my teeth. I'll be right back.8:41
Daphne
[still anxious] Okay.8:48
Hart
Julia Roberts just signed on for twenty million dollars to play a woman who falls in love with her psychiatrist. Of course, she gets him in the end. Sound familiar, Daphne?8:56
Hart
Look in the briefcase, I know I would. And now let's hear the details...9:08
Daphne
Oh, thank God.9:35
Niles
[looks up] What? [smiles]9:35
Daphne
[covering] I missed you.9:37
Niles
Mmm. I missed you too.9:37
Niles
Oh, my beeper's going off.9:44
Daphne
[seductive] Well, let's see what we can do about that.9:44
Niles
It could be an emergency.9:47
Daphne
Who is it?9:50
Niles
[pulls out of the hug] Ooh, uh, it's a patient.9:50
Daphne
That woman?9:53
Niles
I really can't talk about it. Daphne, I'm sorry, I may be a while.9:55
Frasier
I was trying to. I'm attempting to re-arrange my schedule. Apparently, His Royal Chirpy-ness is nocturnal, so I have to be as well.10:32
Martin
Well, I've got the answer to the problem right here in this box. [lays it down on the table]10:43
Frasier
What, we couldn't squash him with the shoes we already own?10:47
Martin
[taking jacket off] Not shoes. Eddie's vet told me to get a gecko. It's a cricket-predator. You know, like you get lady- bugs to eat aphids, if somebody would let me grow tomatoes on the terrace!10:51
Frasier
Dad, I told you, it's a condo board regulation: no fruiting plants.11:01
Martin
Whatever. Anyway, just give me a half-an-hour and I'll have that pesky cricket out of the kitchen and inside this gecko.11:06
Frasier
I see. So we set a lizard loose to catch the cricket?11:16
Martin
Mmm-hmm.11:21
Frasier
Then what? [Martin looks confused] We get an owl to eat the gecko?! Then we get a tiger to eat the owl? [pause] What eats the tiger, Dad, tell me that!11:23
Martin
An alligator, for one, smart guy! But that's not going to happen and you know why? Because we'll put a little harness on the gecko so it doesn't run away.11:33
Frasier
[sarcastic] Oh, this just gets better and better.11:43
Martin
I thought I had some twine here.11:45
Frasier
Well, I used it to stabilize a veal shank. Why don't you just make a little harness out of, uh... the dental floss.11:47
Martin
Hey, that's not bad!11:53
Frasier
I wasn't serious... not my cinnamon waxed!11:55
Daphne
I've changed my mind, I can't go through with this.12:08
Roz
You have to, Daphne. You know you're not going to sleep until you see what this Heather looks like.12:10
Daphne
I thought I'd feel better once I'd got a look at her file, instead I feel worse. She's successful, well travelled, well educated, what if she's gorgeous too?12:14
Roz
Daphne, you've got this all built up in your head. Once you see her, you'll know what you're up against.12:21
Daphne
I suppose. But what if we get caught?12:27
Roz
We lie.12:27
Daphne
I'm a terrible liar.12:30
Roz
Listen up. Lying is all about confidence. As long as you're confident, people will believe anything you tell them.12:30
Daphne
Are you sure?12:38
Roz
Frasier thinks I'm at the copy machine right now!12:39
Roz
Excuse me, we're looking for Heather Murphy.12:45
Assistant
This is her office. And you are?12:47
Roz
Her two 'o clock!12:47
Assistant
[checks computer] I don't have anything on the books.12:52
Roz
This is unbelievable. [to Daphne] Make a note: Re-evaluate all scheduling procedures, C.C. all department heads.12:52
Assistant
Heather'll be back in five minutes if you want to wait.12:59
Roz
Oh, we'll wait. In the meantime, two coffees, cream with sugar, think you can handle that?!13:01
Assistant
[scared] Yes.13:08
Roz
We'll be in her office. Let's go.13:08
Roz
[shouts in a style we'll now call Lana-esque] NOW!13:16
Daphne
You know, I think coffee might make me more nervous.13:20
Roz
We're not going to drink it. I'm just trying to buy some time so that we can look around. She's got to be in one of these pictures somewhere.13:24
Daphne
There's a lot of people there. Which one do you suppose she is?13:32
Roz
[referring to a woman who has just appeared at the entrance to the office] I think it's the one who looks like her.13:35
Heather
Excuse me, can I help you?13:38
Roz
We flew in from corporate for a meeting which the geniuses in your department managed to screw up. I don't know what kind of monkey business is going on around here, but we are this close to shutting this entire branch down.13:41
Heather
How could you fly in from corporate? Corporate's downstairs!13:55
Heather
I'm calling security. Who are you?14:04
Daphne
Who am I? [with growing dignity and confidence] Who am I?14:07
Roz
[Lana-esque] JUST RUN!14:10
Frasier
It's asleep, Dad.14:24
Martin
No, it's not.14:27
Frasier
Really, he hasn't twitched his tail for two minutes.14:30
Martin
That's because he's lulling him into a false sense of security. The most dangerous part of a gecko is its mind.14:34
Frasier
What-are-you-talking-about? A gecko's brain is, like, this big. [holds his thumb and fore finger apart by less than an inch]14:49
Martin
Yeah, but a cricket's brain is only this big. [holds his thumb and forefinger touching each other]14:59
Frasier
All right, fine. Where were we?15:07
Martin
[thinks a moment, then] Ann Margaret.15:10
Frasier
You cannot just blurt out "Ann Margaret" like that. I'm sorry, we can only take ten women to Love Island, all right? We have to put a little thought into this. I'll tell you who makes my list: that dark haired temptress who works at the bookstore.15:12
Martin
[smiling] Lisa.15:33
Frasier
You know her name?15:33
Martin
Are you kidding?15:37
Frasier
All this time you've been going down there, I... I thought you belonged to some kind of book club.15:38
Martin
Oh, there's a club all right! You know, she got a belly ring last week.15:42
Frasier
[off in a fantasy] That's fantastic!15:51
Martin
[stands] Here, hold onto this for a minute, will ya, while I grab a beer?15:55
Frasier
Sure.15:59
Frasier
Ooh, Dad, Dad! He's making his move, I can feel him!15:59
Martin
Oh, all right, give him a little play!16:01
Frasier
[reels out the thread] Right, I am doing...16:01
Martin
A little more-16:04
Frasier
Right.16:07
Martin
A little more-16:04
Frasier
Right.16:04
Martin
He got him! Reel him in! Not too fast now, not too fast, you don't want to tug at it.16:08
Frasier
I can't believe this worked. That was amazing! [picks up the gecko with his protected hand]16:14
Martin
Oh great work, buddy.16:16
Frasier
Thanks, Dad.16:16
Martin
I meant the gecko.16:19
Frasier
Yes, yes, of course. [to gecko] Good job, well done. [places him back into the box]16:19
Martin
Will you be using this floss anymore?16:24
Frasier
[gives him a look] I think we'll just let him keep it, all right?16:31
Martin
Okay.16:31
Frasier
There we go. In you go, little man. Congratulations. [puts the lid on] Well, that's it.16:34
Martin
Yeah. Cricket's dead.16:42
Frasier
Gosh, even though I am savoring the newfound silence, I, uh, sort of miss the excitement of the hunt.16:46
Martin
Yeah, well, all right.16:54
Frasier
You know, Dad... [Martin returns] Were you aware that the male cricket chirps in order to attract the female cricket?16:58
Martin
Wow... and that cricket was doing an awful lot of chirping.17:07
Frasier
Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?17:12
Martin
There might be another cricket.17:12
Frasier
There might be more than one. I'd hate to go to bed and then have to get up again.17:15
Martin
Probably we should just play it safe.17:20
Frasier
Release the gecko.17:22
Martin
Yes!17:22
Niles
Well, this is an unexpected treat.17:31
Daphne
Niles, I have something to tell you.17:35
Niles
Is it that I'm the sexiest man you've ever known?17:39
Daphne
No. [beat] I mean yes you are, yes, but that's not why I'm here.17:41
Niles
Is something wrong?17:46
Daphne
Well sort of. [carefully] It's about Heather Murphy.17:46
Niles
Daphne, I've told you. I cannot talk about my patients.17:52
Daphne
You don't have to. I found out by myself.17:56
Niles
[thoughtful pause] Did you look in my briefcase?18:02
Niles
[angry] You read her file?!18:06
Daphne
I know, I know, it's bad.18:06
Niles
Those files are confidential. How could you?18:14
Daphne
Look, before you get going, you should probably know...18:16
Niles
No, there is no excuse. That is the worse thing you could have done!18:18
Daphne
You would think so.18:21
Niles
What else did you do?18:31
Daphne
I went down to her office to see what she looks like. Well, she never found out who I was or why I was there - I know it doesn't make it okay. But I was just so worried and I had to find out who she was, and [in tears] I'm so sorry, I feel so ashamed! [cries] It was all Roz's idea!18:33
Daphne
Look, I know you're angry, but Niles, please, say something.18:57
Niles
Anger doesn't begin to describe it.19:02
Daphne
Niles...19:02
Niles
You have violated this person's privacy. If she found out, I... they could suspend my license.19:05
Daphne
I am so sorry.19:12
Niles
And you don't trust me. How could you possibly think there could be somebody else?19:14
Daphne
Because I was somebody else.19:24
Niles
What?19:26
Daphne
You were married to two other women while you claimed to be in love with me. Now that we're together how can I be sure, really sure, that there won't ever be another "somebody else"?19:29
Niles
Because I would never...19:41
Niles
Because this time it's different. Our love is different. It's not based on somebody's expectations or... or anything I'm supposed to be. When I was with Maris, or with Mel, I found myself thinking about you. Going about my day or even when I was in a session, I found myself thinking about you. Well, now we're together. I find myself thinking about you. It's not going to stop.19:52
Niles
I'm still mad at you.20:36
Daphne
I know.20:39